Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Friday, April 30, 2010

You Might Just Be a Bitch


What happened to all you mean girls from middle school, high school?

You grew up, is what.  Before eighteen you were just a surly, self-absorbed caterpillar with a body that wouldn't cooperate, no real spending power and only a remedial knowledge of how to manipulate men for personal gain.  But somewhere in your late teens or early twenties you spun a cocoon and emerged from it a fully-developed adult butterfly bitch.  (Congrats, by the way.)

Since then your ultimate pastime mission has been informing the world-- and men, specifically-- that you are the boss of you and them.  First and foremost, you don't take any shit from anyone.  The world didn't start rotating until you touched down.  As far as men are concerned, they should happy to even get a whiff of your ass; and they should be willing want to spend their time, money and energy on you-- because you're worth it!

Your body is on point now (or so that employee at Express told you).  You've got a fledgling career which means your own bachelorette pad, an endless wardrobe (with new shoes?) and a fresh bludgeon for the boys at the club who don't approach with tail tucked and neck exposed.
"Excuse me?  You must've had me confused with one of these lesser females in here.  That's not how you address me.  Besides, I can already tell you're not my type.  How tall are you, anyway?  I appreciate the drink but seriously, I'm just hanging with my girls tonight.  Goodbye."

You intimidate men (and some women) because they can't handle you, your "essence."  You're strong, a fact that shouldn't be forgotten; that's why you remind us every five minutes.  You've got options and you want us to know that, too.  You don't need anybody for anything, anytime, anywhere.  And you're not afraid to explode the decibel level in a room if any man disrespects you in the slightest.

You're Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha all rolled into one... with Attila the Hun and Cujo.

You don't mind the bitch label.  You'll wear it to the grave.  You'll never change.  You've been getting your way since you learned to walk and talk (and balk).  Never mind that people can't stand you, that men throw up their hands and retreat.  Never mind that it's become more important to you to be right than to be happy, truly happy.  You've got a point to make, a fiercely independent woman to be.

Be nice?  For what?  You're way too busy bitching living it up!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

(Answers to) More Questions & Manswers #3

Men have better peripheral vision than women.  I wonder why.

If your attitudes toward sex, love and relationships could be summed up in a song, what would it be?
Nice & Slow-Usher
What's the longest time you've had to wait to have sex with a woman?
3 months
How do you feel about "going Dutch" on a date?
no problem as long as it's okay with her
What's your favorite sexual position?
da buck
What's your biggest beef with women?
lack of self-worth
Finish this sentence: When I see a beautiful woman my first thought-- after "I'd like to hit that"-- is...
I hope she's more than her looks
What personal flaws do you think prevent you from being an optimum husband, boyfriend, or "friend" to a woman?
too much of a nice guy
True or false: Women are more emotionally mature than men.
true
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?: "You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money." Explain your answer.
Agree because chasing money is symbolic of you focusing on your career and achieving goals and women look up to that. So...if you are chasing your career you will never have a problem getting a woman.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Why "Soft Landings" Don't Work

Relationship "experts"-- in their books, blogs, seminars, advice columns, and TV guest appearances-- have been letting you women off easy.

And you know it.

Women say they want the ugly truth but this is horse shit.  They want Truth Ultra-Lite, honesty buffered by so much hand-holding and reassuring that it isn't even taken seriously.

Dr. Phil comes to mind.  So does Steve Harvey.  Remember that these men are trying to sell books, and they figure they'll sell more if they cater to your egos while giving you the "soft landing."

I don't do soft landings.

The reason I started this blog was because of the looks I saw on women's faces when they asked me a question about men and I answered it-- bluntly and succinctly.  Some of them even said in that moment, "...that's kinda fucked up."  But they knew they could trust the answer.

Aside from Questions & Manswers, I keep a tight handle on how men express themselves on this blog.  Many of them carry their own peculiar hang-ups, disappointments and bitter resentments about dating and relationships and would just as soon tell you to eat cock off the floor as teach you anything about how they think and operate (not all of them, but many).  I do act as a filter of sorts.

I don't think I'm being hard, just fair.  Some of you say I don't offer solutions like the "experts," but that's because you probably wouldn't listen anyway.  If I told you the way to keep your man from cheating was to blow him whenever he asked, you wouldn't do it if you didn't feel like it-- so it'd be a moot point.  I give you better information-- "the game," as some men put it-- to help you make more informed decisions.

[Postscript: Despite being against soft landings, I know when to use a broadsword and when to use a scalpel.  If you have a question about men, dating, sex, and/or relationships, know that while the answer might be a hard pill I'll always try to make the swallowing as painless-- and funny-- as possible.]

Birthday Sex


It's my birthday so you know I want to talk about birthday sex.

Not just birthday sex but any kind of sex attached to a holiday.  When a man is married this might not be the cat's pajamas because holidays-- birthday, anniversary, Christmas (she's drunk)-- are probably the only times he gets any sex worth a standing ovation.  But a single man sees sex on a holiday as a chance to attach a meaning to the day that's satisfying beyond visiting with family you don't really like or watching a lame-ass fireworks show.

Birthday sex, in particular, speaks more to the male ego than any other type of holiday sex.  It reaffirms our sexuality, masculinity and virility on a day where we're being reminded, "I'm a year older."  It shows that someone else gives a shit-- I mean really gives a shit-- about our b-day other than Mom, and is willing to prove it by letting us put it anywhere.  It allows us to revel in going into a vagina while commemorating the day we came out of one.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 5

I don't know about other men but my sauciest fantasies have always been inspired by music videos for songs about doing the nasty (because I like doing the nasty).

Ciara's "Promise" has been in constant rotation on my YouTube playlist since winter of '06.  If you haven't seen the video (shame) or if you need a refresher, click here.

I'm not a Ciara fan but that video does it for me from start to finish.  In the era of the rap video vixen, simply clapping asses and doing handstands has taken the wheel from a true show of seduction.

Everyday women are to blame also.  Your ideas of titillation reach about as far as a Carmen Electra stripper exercise DVD or some bullshit you saw in an after-dark Cinemax movie.  I've had women attempt to be sexy in front of me; I've had to grind my teeth to keep from laughing out loud.  (And please don't look at me with your eyes set on "hoot owl;" I go limp when I'm afraid.)

I'm a man who likes to be led into a fantasy you've created, but only if it's original-- and visceral.  What Ciara's video lacks in the former it more than makes up for in the latter.  It's pure, high energy, something the average female lacks.  Ciara and her backup dancers don't just lie there, don't complain about not being that flexible.  (They're in great shape... like, circus performer great.)  And they don't ask you if you love them; they just know it.

Despite what I said in an earlier post music and sex can complement one another, but not when it's just to make the woman feel like she's something more than a jumpoff getting pounded down on a squeaky bed for all the roommates to hear (and beat off to).  A hearty love ballad such as "Promise" should transport us into a world where rules are broken, where temptation is given into utterly, where light and dark combine in a swirling hurricane that rains down all over our naked bodies.

Basically, the champagne room at the Spearmint Rhino.

Monday, April 26, 2010

(Answers to) More Questions & Manswers #2


If your attitudes toward sex, love and relationships could be summed up in a song, what would it be?
Every Girl or Lil Freak
What's the longest time you've had to wait to have sex with a woman?
Depending on how hard I tried, a few weeks to a month or so
How do you feel about "going Dutch" on a date?
Sounds good, either way can be a lose lose
What's your favorite sexual position?
69 and Doggy
What's your biggest beef with women?
They over analyze things. Make a small situation into a larger one
Finish this sentence: When I see a beautiful woman my first thought-- after "I'd like to hit that"-- is...
I then try to read what kind of "sex girl' she is. Long hair? Dont care... if its pulled
What personal flaws do you think prevent you from being an optimum husband, boyfriend, or "friend" to a woman?
Hell if I know, think some things are good when they arent
True or false: Women are more emotionally mature than men.
False, men control theirs often
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?: "You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money." Explain your answer.
Agreed! No matter what women say, they will eventually be drawn to the money. And if they are with the money, like a girlfriend, then they arent leaving. Now when they are married, they are prolly gonna tax ya ass and take half of it, leavin u with one

Omission

Don Draper, lauded inventor of "Don't ask, don't tell."
Men don't lie as much as you think.  We omit.

It's actually a man's preferred method of deception (and sometimes self-deception).  A man will cheat on you and pretend it never happened.  Because it never happened there's nothing to remember.  And because there's nothing to remember there's nothing to betray us in words, actions and behaviors.

Women think of honesty both as telling the truth when asked and disclosing "pertinent" information; men don't consider the latter as such.  To offer unsolicited information seems to us wholly unnecessary.  Besides, we already think that anything we say can and will be used against us in a (divorce) court of law.

Women lie by omission as well-- big lies-- such as, "Of course the baby's yours."  We just assume that you keep weighty secrets from us as well, not because we feel guilty about our own but because you have a knack for exhorting us to confess everything while you confess nothing.

I'm all for omission, personally-- so long as no one's seriously wounded.  The older generations of women knew: don't ask, don't tell.  You may say it's why many of them went crazy within their quiet lives, but a lot of you are already bat-shit at twenty-something.  Omission is never malicious where relationships are concerned; in fact it may be necessary to keep things on a even keel.

So the next time you look into a man's eyes and see in them a question that needs answering, ask yourself instead if what you discover will improve your situation in the slightest.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

You Weren't Connected in the First Place!

When you've officially run out of shit to talk about.
I hear some women say, "We just need to get away from everything, from the house and the kids and work and just reconnect with each other."
Reconnect?  You weren't all that connected in the first place.

I hate weddings (the food tastes better at funerals) but I've been obligated to attend a few.  Past the bride's mother's outfit and the groom singing his vows, the thing that makes me giggle the most is watching older couples who were probably punching each other in the car interlace fingers and lean against one another with tears in their eyes.  I assume they're experiencing some sense of nostalgia watching these young folks get hitched, remembering why they got married.

Or trying to remember.

Most people really don't have all that much in common.  Once the rush of hormones and adrenaline wear off, what you're left with is a person you probably aren't compatible with.  You can go on some expensive-ass cruise-- where Montezuma's revenge awaits-- and you might even have some above-average sex in your tiny-ass cabin, but when you return to the real world you'll immediately be reminded that you're still married to a stranger.

This is especially true for men.  Old men will tell me about how they married the first girl who paid them any attention (basically the first girl who let them fuck).  This sudden boon of in-house pussy caused them to overlook all the obvious conflicts; they were so happy to be getting the milk that they bought the cow!

Ladies, quit trying to reclaim the old magic-- there never was any.  Despite what those dumb Internet articles say, what you're experiencing now with your man is what was always intended: something boring and routine with a splattering of sex and thoughts of divorce once the kids leave for college.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

(Answers to) More Questions & Manswers

"Uh, your drink's over there."



If your attitudes toward sex, love and relationships could be summed up in a song, what would it be? 
porn
What's the longest time you've had to wait to have sex with a woman? 
a couple of months but that was in high school
How do you feel about "going Dutch" on a date? 
all for it, but even then i still have a problem ....... i don't like dating cause it probably ain't going no where and so even if i only pay for me i still feel like im wasting money by wasting time with you.
What's your favorite sexual position? 
69 (no butt crack edition)
What's your biggest beef with women?
they talk to much. they don't listen. they think they know everything. and when you tell em something they always try and find some underlying theme to what you said.
Finish this sentence: When I see a beautiful woman my first thought-- after "I'd like to hit that"-- is...
i hope she nasty. like ain't nothing better on this earth is a nasty fine woman. ooooohhhhh and i hope she can dance nasty too!!!
What personal flaws do you think prevent you from being an optimum husband, boyfriend, or "friend" to a woman?
too many to list on this form.
True or false: Women are more emotionally mature than men.
FALSE!!!!!!!
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?: "You can lose a lot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money." Explain your answer.
Hell yeah, look at lil wayne, nigga did both. got boppers on him everyday cause he rich and yet he keep adding these babies mamas to his monthly bills by chasing nu nu from atl.

On Doggystyle

"Take the wood, bitch!"
A long-circulated scientific theory posits that human females' breasts grew to their current size(s) to compensate for the buttocks pulling in as we began to walk upright (guess that explains why seeing a woman push them together is so hot).

That said, men still prefer a "rear view," especially during coitus.  Why, you ask?  Two reasons, mostly: 1) He can forget, at least for a little while, that you're a unique individual with a brain and feelings (sorry!) and 2) It hides anything sketchy going on with your tits or your gut, or that ungodly front-butt (sorry x 2!).

Women take personally the impersonality of doggystyle if it's a man's preferred position, as if watching you watching us make stupid O-faces while we bear down on you missionary-style is what constitutes lovemaking.  To be sure, some women have bad breath (real life).  Nothing humbles an erection like the smell of sinus drainage.

Going at it from behind also affords us a couple of luxuries.  We don't have to sell the ecstasy on our faces or else worry about you asking something dumb like "What's wrong?  Am I not turning you on?" (if he's inside you he's more than likely turned on); a blank stare can preside over this orgasm.  And if the TV's still on (please let there be a good movie on) then we get to engage in the kind of multitasking you're always demanding of us.

Friday, April 23, 2010

(Answers to) Questions for Women: Dating



How should a perfect (good) date play out? 
When the date is over, you actually want to see this person again
What topics of discussion are most important to you on a first date
Anything that helps shed light on whether or not he is a Ted Bundy type of person.
Many men consider paying for things-- dates, gifts and such-- in exchange for a woman's affections as glorified prostitution, especially in these times. Your thoughts? 
You get what you give.
How soon after a date should a man call you? 
The next day. It doesn't have to be the Gettysburg Address, but a brief convo lets you know that you at least crossed his mind.
How do you feel about "going Dutch" on dates? 
I have no problem with that at all. Women pride themselves on being independant, so why should a man pay for everything to spend time
Do you-- or would you-- date online? Why or why not? 
Tried it, never again! Everyone online portrays themselves as "real" and "no games", trust me they anything but that.
Would you ever ask a man out on a date? Under what circumstances?
Why not, all he can do is say no. To see if he is worth more that just sex.
If the date obviously went well, should he attempt to kiss you at the end? 
Sure, if it went well, we would probably both want that. Doesn't mean sex, just a kiss.
What are your dating pet peeves (first and subsequent dates)? 
Cell phone usage! Yeah you recieve a text, reply, no problem. But don't spend that much time having a convo with someone else through texting when you asked to spend an hour or two with me.

Topdog/Underdog

"No, I'll go to work and you can stay home with little Barack!"
Two incomes are better than one-- both my parents have always worked-- and it's doubly important these days for one partner to be able to carry the load when the other is laid off (or fired for being on Farmville too much).

But for all of human history-- with a few exceptions, of course-- men have been the primary providers for the household and by implication the master of said domain.  Situation's changed now, especially in America, and a cold war has erupted between men and women over who should be topdog in matters of marriage, household and finance.

Men are intimidated by their partners earning more than them (or being sole providers) because earning the most gives you the most power and, by implication, command of the household and its decisions.  In a man's world competition is everything and days must be counted as wins and losses.  To capitulate to a woman who earns more or holds higher office makes a loser, if you will, out of a man if his manhood is tied to his potential to provide for, and preside over, his family (most men "suffer" from this).

Women often say that they have no problem falling under their husbands but the truth is that the impulse to make a show of power when one has it is as compelling to females as males.  And women have more to prove in the 21st century than men, constantly reminding us that they can do what they do, what we do, and all of it better.  So you can imagine the trepidation a new millennium man has at being "joined" to someone who's part-woman, part-gladiator.

I'm not making a case for women shutting up and sitting down forever (because that'll never happen), but there has to be a way for a man to keep his worth while a woman measures her own.  What does it mean for a woman to be topdog, to swing power like a blunt sword and roar with bloody fangs, if it only earns the enmity of the man she claims to need and love?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Burning Question: What is a "Real Man"?

A New Questionnaire for the Men!


How Men Let Relationships "Bleed Out"


When a relationship is terminal, it's on you to put it down-- because we won't.

Why not?  Because men naturally become complacent in relationships which means we're not willing to end things even when out is all we want.  We'd rather watch things fade away than burn out-- and with good reason.

There's an old saying about a monkey not letting go of one branch until he's got a firm grip on another.  Men aren't fools.  We know that if things look grim we can start searching for a replacement killer while still keeping you around to cook, clean up and occasionally get on top.

Chances are, if your man tries to end the relationship or start a mushroom cloud of a fight to make you pull the trigger then he's already found a new place (or lap) to lay his head.  Women get mad when a man cheats on them as opposed to just saying, "I don't want you anymore, I want _____," but for the man it's win-win (unless he's married).  He gets you and the side order, and if and when you confront him he can simply hop from you to her like billionaires hop islands.

If your relationship is hemorrhaging and there's no way to stop it then it's you that has to call a time of death.  At such a point the rule is Do Not Resuscitate!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 4

Red Dawn
I have a strange attraction to redheads.

For the record, the type of Caucasian women I'm usually drawn to have dark, almost "Mediterranean" features.  Paleness is unnatural to me.  That's why I don't get the whole Twilight craze.  What's hot about getting freaky with someone whose skin is almost see-through?

That said, natural redheads are often pale, but this doesn't bother me.  Is it the hair?  Is it some kind of Celtic fetish?  Folks with red hair are concentrated in Western Europe (only 1-2% of the human population has this characteristic).  Could it be the rarity?  The color?  Red is the color of war, and since I'm like a bull (Taurus) in a china shop when expressing my deepest beliefs or making moves to realize my dreams it makes sense that this color-- the color of fire and aggression-- would charm me.

Even ugly redheads give me pause.  It's the weirdest thing to me, but like most of my desires I don't run from it.  I'm neutral on the freckles, though; looks like the spray tan machine exploded all over you.

[Postscript: I did watch an inordinate amount of I Love Lucy as a kid.  Maybe that's something a therapist could start with... or my next FWB (dyeing ain't lying).]

Love Vs. Money, or: How Women Rob Men of Their Ambition

"...all that's left of the dreams I hold is a band of gold..."
"You can lose a lot of money chasing women, but you'll never lose women chasing money." -- Edward Herrmann in the comedic film, I Think I Love My Wife

Let me start, ladies, by saying it's not your fault.

Every woman wants a man with ambition (I think).  Hell, the number one aphrodisiac in my experience has been communicating to a woman the grandiose dreams that consume me and my specific plans for realizing them.

But something peculiar happens to the average man when blessed by "in-house pussy."  He's no longer the surging, conquering young warrior with the eye of the tiger.  He's content to lay up with his queen and be the king of the couch watching reality TV shows and waiting for his dick to get hard.

Again, this isn't your fault.  It's just that the chase is everything, especially for young men.  To be ever in pursuit of something-- money, fame, power, respect, ass, ass, ass, and the perfect chicken fried steak-- gives us purpose now as it has for millennia.  This is why so many of us are loathe to remain faithful to one woman; it dulls the sharpness of our basic instincts, the spirit that moves us.

"On to the next one" isn't just a choice but an imperative, lest we fade under your watch.

Money is just as fickle a mistress, but it is easier to control and command.  It can't buy love-- to be sure, it's not supposed to-- but like the quote that prefaces this post it points surer to the true North of our purpose than your romantic intentions for happily ever after (and bragging rights among your sex).

So if your man says he needs to be rid of you in order to find his compass, trust that it's not a cop-out.  Even if it is it's no sweat off his back (once he kicks you as a habit).  The money fits more easily, and readily, in his pocket.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

New Shoes Term: Cuckoo

The bird's the word.

My amigos and I coined this term with the element of surprise in mind.  So often there's a girl at a club or party who makes it plain that she intends to sleep with no one present-- especially you-- only to end up taking the walk of shame from your apartment the following morning.

Needless to say, she got "cuckooed."

To receive a more complete explanation of this term, visit the New Shoes Wiki and browse other terms you may not be up on.

"The Rush I Get is Worth the Price I Pay"

Before and after they tried to make her go to rehab.
 "9 1/2 Weeks is better than 12 Steps..." -- from Jay-Z's single, "I Know"

It's 2010 and as a woman you've never had more choices, more avenues to cruise.  To hell with always making the safe, responsible decisions-- leave that for Mom.  You aim to fall in love, to fire those serotonin receptors every chance you get.  You want a man in your life that excites you, because let's face it: everyday life is quite blah.

Only problem is, once the dopeman's got you you're no longer the sharp, intelligent, wily woman you were (or thought you were).  All those women you once laughed at, whom you ridiculed for following behind some man and embarrassing themselves by accepting excuses and excusing offenses-- that's you now.

You're hooked... and he knows it.  A man senses weakness like a wolf, and burns like a fire.

I haven't known many women to kick a useless man cold turkey.  It's often a long, drawn-out and undignified affair, full of pitched text message battles and Facebook skirmishes, rebound lovers and mean revelations, hopelessness and-- oh, fuck it.

Look, a wise man once told me to at least check to see where the exit is upon entering a building-- and be prepared to use it.  Breaking up with a man you once loved (or still love) is a sad tale; breaking up with him after he's dragged you through the gutter is a tragedy.

Ditch the habit, go to rehab and get on with your life before you end it as the bag lady.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Dutch Courage

The flag of the Netherlands... and Bombpops.

Glorified prostitution.

Like it or not, that's how many men see paying for dates-- or anything for women who aren't their wives.  Women think it's silly and cheap, the mark of a man who can't even invest in a dinner much less in a long-term relationship.  (Of course, a majority of younger men are all about the short term-- and that thing.)

In their book, Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love, Allan and Barbara Pease mention a "debt ledger," an unspoken tally that all men, married or single, keep of things they do for women with sex being the payback.  They're like those kids at Chuck E. Cheese who play game after game (with tokens bought by their parents) to get tickets for redemption of prizes.

I know women feel it... the ledger getting longer... the "debt" rising... confrontation looming.

So go Dutch, wooden clogs and all (j/k).  It's not chivalrous or romantic-- and a bit tacky, I'll admit-- but it's fair and that's what women have been asserting since the 19th Amendment: equity between the sexes.

I've heard women say that their love and their "goodies" don't cost a thing, so I hope you all won't mind if we don't pay.  A man isn't promised anything on a date but a woman always is-- a free meal, at the least.  That breeds resentment (childish or not), and that's no way to start off a good thing.

[Postscript: Some men are conditioned to spend money on women; it's a part of their swagger DNA, something they're most comfortable with.  If you can hook one of them then more power to you!  Just don't go thinking every man will be as geeked to see you reaching into his pockets.]


Sunday, April 18, 2010

Do Not Inter-?

"He had me at 'Are you down with the swirl?'"
I've heard a lot of women, minorities mostly, who've complained about the dearth of quality men for relationships and marriage yet refuse to search outside their own race or ethnic group.

Your loss.

Seriously, quality men come in all shapes and sizes; but we've beaten this maxim so early and often about the face, head and neck that I wonder why I bother.  I will say that I've "tasted the rainbow" of available women out there and find you all to be similar in many ways (including craziness).  I can't think it would be any different with men.

Addressing black women specifically-- that most "underserved" group of single females-- it behooves you to look elsewhere.  Complaining about the lack of good black men does nothing for you; neither does complaining about some of them being with white women-- or any other race, for that matter.  Black men take advantage of the variety for the same reason as all men: because we can.

I'm not pushing you to defy your own preferences (the heart wants what it wants, right?).  Just don't bitch about having to dig your heels in and wait for a shining prince whose skin tone and background match your own.

It could be a while....

Saturday, April 17, 2010

A Dating Questionnaire



First Date or Game Show?

"'Awkward silence' for two hundred, Alex."

We've all been there-- men, I mean.

You're sitting across from a gorgeous or at least decent-looking woman having dinner at Benihana (or Applebee's if you don't even have enough to fake it), but you might as well be sitting across from Trebek!  All these silly-ass questions-- and you know that how you answer will determine whether you "win" or attempt to write this off on your taxes (under "'Bitch, are you real?' expenses").

Then there's the awkward silence-- which is always on you-- but there's no commercial break coming to save you.  You feel you're being judged for your quietness, but you're busy savoring a steak that may be the highlight of the evening.  You'd give up even the possibility of sex on the first date if you could just let a fart rip from your nervous guts.

All this whining, you say?  Why can't a man just pay for dinner like a gentleman, answer questions like an academic and return you home like a Boy Scout?  And then call like he said he would?!!!

Because a date is not a game show... or an interview or an exercise or an aptitude test.  You may own all the prizes but you don't get to own all the fun-- not on a date.  Truth be told, we'd rather skip to the "lightning round"; game shows aren't really all that fun until the curtain is pulled back and the bounty revealed.

Dates don't have to be game shows.  You can just keep the chatter to a minimum and enjoy whatever activity we choose (since we'll be paying)-- whether that's learning to roll sushi with other couples or buying a five-dollar DVD at Walmart to watch at home-- and let the evening occur naturally.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Burning Question: Why Do Men Prefer to Hang Out with Their Friends Rather Than with You?

A Time to Kill: Cockblocking

Truer words have never been spoken.
"Yes, they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in HELL!!!" -- Samuel L. Jackson in the dramatic film, A Time to Kill

Trust, it's hard enough trying to pull a cuckoo move on one of your SATC girlfriends in the club without having to suffer your side-eyeing, your huffing and puffing, your snide remarks... your weak bladder ("Girl, come with me to the restroom.  No, right now!")  Watching you all run to the loo with your hands joined like kindergarteners on the way to the cafeteria makes us wonder why we don't just propose to a fleshlight.

Women go to clubs or bars for various reasons, the most annoying of which (to men) is, "I'm just hanging out with my girls tonight."  You see, men go out specifically to pull strange ass.  Some of us treat it like the quest for fire; if we don't fall balls deep into something by a quarter past 2 a.m. then the world might end-- immediately!

COCKBLOCKING IS A HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION.

If you're the ugly chick (grenade) or the fat chick (grenade launcher) in the clique-- or if you've got a grudge against men because so many have used you like a moist towelette-- then your reasons for cockblocking are as lame as you are; kill yourself.

Your girl got extra shitfaced tonight for a reason, and who are we-- any of us-- to question her motives?  Wouldn't you be happier spending time with friends who were getting at least some average dick on the regular?  Life's too short to spend it lying on train tracks.  Your friend is going to get her panties peeled by someone.  Better one of us than your man.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Fire Your "Sales Rep"

The "quiet" before the storm.
You can't front your whole life, so why even start on the first date?

Dating advice aside, pretending to be shy when you're outspoken or poking at a salad when you normally eat like Kobayashi builds a janky bridge which he'll never quite be able to get over.

We all like to send our "sales reps" out to speak for us, to pitch us to the opposite sex and procure a deal.  This is great if you're selling something short-term.  A diet pill, for instance, will make you lose weight very quickly because it's primarily caffeine.  It acts as a diuretic which suppresses the appetite and flushes water from your cells, but as soon as you stop taking it the weight will come back-- and then some.

We men are like those diet pills: we'll make you feel great for a little while, but the physical and psychological side effects could leave you worse off than before you first began ingesting us (no pun intended).

Women, for the most part, are searching for something long-term and in this case transparency-- a more proactive form of honesty-- is best.  If you're in the market for a husband and the subject of marriage comes up, don't pretend not to care.  If you're the kind of girl who likes to wait a long time before sex don't be overly flirtatious or touchy-feely off the bat (men are more likely to misinterpret a woman's speech or body language as a sexual overture).

And if you're not where you think you should be in life just be plain about it rather than attempting to inflate your status or image with a lot of big words and grandiose bragging (women do it, too).  As long as you're not a psycho or lugging baggage from previous relationships, men are more than willing to accommodate your imperfections.

I said all that to say... relax, and keep it one hundred.

Shrews Don't Get Tamed; They Get Dumped

Shrew par excellence

"What a shrew I am!" -- Rosie Perez in the comedic/dramatic film White Men Can't Jump

NEWS FLASH!: Men don't like to be nagged, hassled, or harangued.  I know how you feel; if he'd only act right...

Thing is, men are going to act however they want, but what about the way he represented himself when you two first met?  What about the promises he made?

I was an Obama supporter in '08, but even then I thought "Bullshit" to myself as I heard him talk about some of the changes he planned to make in Washington.  I knew Chocolate Jesus wasn't going to be able to deliver on everything he said, but it sounded nice.  That's why I'm not disappointed now (at least not as much as others); I've been able to separate the romance from the honeymoon from the marriage.

All the complaining in the world won't get your man to straighten up-- not long-term, anyway-- but it will push him in the direction of a chick who won't complain, not even about the fact that his idea of a suitable date is a U-turn around the Wendy's drive-thru.

Nagging accomplishes nada.  You'll only become an urban legend among men.  You can't complain bad behavior away so don't even try.  We may actually appreciate it more and attempt to make an effort-- or not.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

On Sex Tapes

"...but you ain't gon' tie me down!"

I won't spend too much time on this since you would never, ever in a million years tape yourself having sex with your beau, boo, baby-daddy or dude that assistant-manages the mall Foot Locker.

You can make a sex tape with your man (not some random) if you want but make sure the only copy goes with you.  No matter what a man says he will show somebody the tape-- probably his best friends, or whoever happens to visit after he's smoked out.  And if you two break up you can believe that sex tape will end up on a site like RevengeTV.com.

So don't let it play out that way.  You may not be running for public office one day but you will be in your kids' P.T.A.... with all those hateful bitches/Google fiends.

He Won't Say No (Unless You're Ugly)

"As your girlfriend, I'll find a way to moisturize these rough-ass hands."

If you like him just walk up to him and introduce yourself.  Afraid of rejection?  If you look like a Decepticon in the face then it very well could be a FAIL ("mirror, mirror..." that shit right fast).  But if you're at least a seven or higher it's likely he's already noticed you.

So why doesn't he step to you?

We know that you get hit on all day, every day by the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This stiffens your face and body language, making you appear closed off.  You may be fine as hell but we don't want to catch an eye-roll for being the umpteenth guy today who asked, "What's your name?"

Just smile, play with your hair and be brief with it, for Christ's sake!  Tell him that you're attracted to him-- in your own way-- and leave him your phone number.  He will take it.  This effectively puts the ball in his court and frees you from the "What if... ?" that'll hit you when you're watching DVR'ed episodes of Grey's Anatomy-- alone.

Afraid you'll seem desperate?  To hell with that.  You're always saying that you're the type of woman who knows what she wants and has no qualms about asking for it.  Here's a chance to prove it.

[Postscript: If he doesn't call then it's his loss, right?  I mean that's what you've always lead men to believe.  Make sure you believe it, too.]

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 3

A portrait... in boxer briefs... with the camera in the pic (corny!)
I love to work out.  For me the gym is a temple, a place where I go to tune out the rest of the world while I throw up weights for an hour or so (and watch SportsCenter).

I know a lot of dudes go to the gym to hit on women, but not me.  I'm not saying I don't look.  There's nothing like a round bubble butt climbing up the StairMaster to help you push through those last two reps; however, the gym's not a place where I like to fish for trout.

I've been asked by women in the gym why I work out so hard and the answer's simple: I want to look good naked.  Imagine how much harder it would be to accomplish that if I had to worry about entering the gym and being confronted by someone I'd put the screws to and then never called again.

I will admit, though, that the gym is one of the few places where a woman can convince me to try something new.  It was a woman who got me on the elliptical machine and I have to say I'm grateful.  It's easier on my knees and good for loosening up stiffness in my back and hamstrings on days when I do squats and deadlifts.  It was also a woman who turned me on to yoga which has helped with my breathing while lifting and kept me from tightening up after workouts (I purposely try not to walk like Debo from Friday)-- again, grateful.

I only have two beefs with women in the gym:

1) It's not a fashion show.  I'm not saying you have to dress like the bag lady but keep in mind that the gym is where you go to get grimy with it .  Trying to be too cute and pretty-- why do you have perfume on?-- not only makes you seem fake but attracts greasy meatheads who still rock Zubaz pants.

2) Do work out.  This is another reason why I leave women in the gym alone-- they need to be focused too.  Whether you want a body that's petite, muscled (Angela Bassett), or tight and toned for your size, you need to take advantage of everything such facilities have to offer: cardio machines, yoga and spin classes, and the free weights.

[Postscript: I hear a lot of women say they avoid free weights because they fear looking like the She-Hulk.  Chill out.  Men get big and hard fast (no giggling!) because we have an abundance of testosterone, the hormone you need to get that way.  You women have it as well... but in such small amounts that it's neglible.  So stop with the excuses and pick up a goddamn weight!]

2 + 1 = ?

"Excuse me, ladies... would you like a hot dog for those buns?"

"What's up with men and girl-on-girl, or wanting to bring another girl into the bedroom?"

Variety, is what.  Keeping in mind what I've said about "new shoes," men desire something different than... well, you every night.  Sometimes this takes the form of another woman.

Within relationships, pressing for a threesome can be a man's way of testing your commitment to satisfying him sexually.  Women talk a lot about spicing things up sexually with their men, but lackluster stripping in the living room and unflattering lingerie (if you're not hot naked you won't get much hotter with a teddy on) don't really get it.  If you're willing to explore your bi-curious side-- even against your own inhibitions-- then he'll see it as a sign that anything goes.

Girl-on-girl provides visual creatures such as men with the equivalent of a double-scoop ice cream cone placed in a child's hands; the kid might not know where to start-- or how he'll finish-- but he's down to try, dammit!  To be sure, some men would rather watch two women having sex than to actually participate.

"If I agree to join in a threesome, how will this affect the way my man sees me?"

If he never valued you in the first place, it'll make him view you as just a powered screwdriver for which he's acquired another interchangeable bit.  If he does value you then you shouldn't worry about whether this knocks you out of the running for wife status.  This might actually put him more at ease with spending the rest of his life with you (again, if he truly values you).

If your man brings up or proposes a MFF scenario, ask him to explain why it's so important to him that he's willing to expose your relationship to third-party interference.  If he can't muster more than a six-word argument-- "'Cause that shit's freaky as hell!"-- tell him to work off that extra energy at the gym while he listens to Usher's "Little Freak."

Monday, April 12, 2010

Questions & Manswers #4


Questionnaire created with Formstack.  [Note: Answers (in italics) are presented exactly as they were received.]

What are qualities you find most attractive in a woman?
...soft brown skin, receptiveness, sense of humor, her form, and her intelligence quotient

What annoys you most about women?
...dishonesty...

On a scale of one to ten, how honest are you with the women you date?
9

What is your typical response to “What are you thinking?”
...a lot...

Would you cheat if you knew you wouldn’t get caught?
No

How important is a woman’s weight to you?  Would you mind if your girlfriend/wife gained a lot of weight after you two got together/married?
Not really. However, her health is certainly a concern of mine. I also have to consider her form.

What are you looking for: marriage and kids, just marriage, a live-in girlfriend situation (relationship), friends with benefits, dating with sex being the ultimate goal, or just straight Internet hook-up sex?
...just marriage...

Do you see marriage as a benefit?  How so?
Yes. If you marry correctly, your wife will be the key to your next level of success..

What do you think motivates women: love, money, security, children, “the show” of getting married, etc.?
...security...

... But Will He Buy the Cow?

100% Cambodian
You knew it was a FAIL when you agreed to it, but he was hot and you were enthralled (horny)... and maybe the rest of that stuff-- love, marriage, the baby carriage-- would come later, right?

Not so much.

Your first mistake was thinking that he could resist the proposition: an endless supply of sub-tropical freaky without all the messiness of feelings and obligations.  A man knows in the back of his mind that you'll eventually either want more or want to move on.  He's just hoping it doesn't all go down in teary-eyed, crying-out-loud, horrible Twitter-ranting flames-- but this is after he's had an orgasm.

Your grandmother knew what she was talking about.  Few men will buy the cow when the milk's been free and plentiful (and those few wear a Scarlet S, for "sucker").

Doesn't mean he sees you only as a walking repository.  Men often do form emotional attachments to their BFFs (Best Fucking Friend), but for a man it's almost a matter of principle; "no strings attached" is what was originally agreed upon... nothing more.

Friends with benefits should never be viewed as a temp-to-hire situation.  It's not about him respecting you or wanting something more out of life.  With these types of arrangements you leave the way you came (no pun intended).

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Burning Question: Are Men Intimidated by "Independent" Women?

"What are You Thinking?"

"How much longer do we have to cuddle before I can turn the TV on?"
He's thinking...

"I hope she doesn't ask what I'm thinking."

Stop trying to read that blank stare on his face; he isn't thinking about shit.  If he is then it's a medley of images, sounds, past and present events, that song he hates but can't get out of there, and why he keeps burping up hamburger from two days ago.

Here's what you need to know: He's more than likely not thinking about anything that has to do with you.  Yeah, I know you two just got through screwing but... no.

We zone out-- that's it.  Let a grown man get a quiet moment and he'll disappear into it like another dimension, freeing himself of outside stimuli and perhaps regressing to a time in his life when he was stinky, happy and easily placated by shiny, moving objects (yesterday).

This is especially true just after sex when most of what's occupied his thoughts has been flushed out in a ten-second Hallelujah! of ecstasy.  (Note: If it was a casual roll, then he might be thinking "How do I escape?" unless he's already got it planned out.)

So before you ask what he's thinking, consider substituting another vital question: "When's the last time you had something to eat?"

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Definition of a Dime: A Points System


[This is a reproduction of a Facebook Note written by Anthony A. Armstrong, CEO of Armstrong Athletics (and a good friend of mine), and originally published on February 6, 2007.]

After 23 years of studying the female sex, I have come to realize that looks only get you so far. Some females may have the perfect legs, breasts, ass, face, etc. but they don't have anything inside that pretty little head of theirs. From these observations I have chosen to re-evaluate the "dime" criteria, because looks are not everything. I have decided to chop the popular "ten" ranking into two parts to determine one overall ranking. Five points will be given for the physical appearance, and it will be based on the opinion of the person giving the grade. To get that score just take what you would rank the person on the regular 1-10 scale and divide it by 2. i.e. 8/2=4

The five remaining points will come from a survey that assigns points to reach one final number. When the two numbers are combined together you will then have one sum to give the final grade. The five categories are Children, Education, Job Status, Living Arrangements, and Domestic Responsibilites aka Cooking and Cleaning. This is strictly for novelty uses, but it is actually pretty accurate and makes you think a bit. This is something that can go both ways, so feel free to give it a try.

When you go through the survey you add up the points that best represent you, then divide your total score by five. i.e. 20/5=4 In this situation this person [after adding both the physical appearance rank and the survey score] would be an 8. Now this is just a starting point because conversation can change your feelings towards the person.

Let Me Know What You Think!

Children:
5 Points = 0 Kids
4 Points = 1 Kid
3 Points = 2 Kids
2 Points = 3 Kids
1 Point = 4+ Kids

Education:
5 Points = Master's Degree or Grad Student
4 Points = Bachelor's Degree or Senior
3 Points = Associate's Degree to Junior
2 Points = Freshman
1 Point = No School

Job Status:
5 Points = Full Time, Very Secure, Over 40k
4 Points = Full Time, Under 40k
3 Points = Part Time During School
2 Points = Part Time, No School
1 Point = Unemployed

Living Arrangements:
5 Points = Own Place, No Parental Assistance
4 Points = Own Place with Parental Assistance, or Dorm
3 Points = Parent's or Guardian's House but Graduated and Employed
2 Points = Parent's or Guardian's House Only School or Job
1 Point = Parent's or Guardian's House, No School or Unemployed

Domestic Responsibilities:
5 Points = Food Network Chef, plus Cleans and does Laundry
4 Points = Decent Cook, Cleans and does Laundry
3 Points = Cooks and either Cleaning or Laundry
2 Points = No Cooking, Just Cleans and/or does Laundry
1 Point = Nothing at all

Chexting?!?

"I'm hitting you from the back and you're loving it-- send!!!"
As if we needed another texting portmanteau, "chexting" is a new term that describes cheating on your significant other with... wait for it... text messages!

I guess this falls under the communications section of the cheating rulebook for women-- along with phoning, e-mailing, and two cans connected by a string-- but for men texting outside the relationship for immoral purposes is more like being a dental office receptionist.  We send reminders before the visit to make sure she comes in for her scheduled "drilling," then do a follow-up to gauge client satisfaction and ensure future visits.

Chexting is a cute term but it's not an issue until your man tries to download his own personal "penis app" into one of the chicks on his contact list.  Men like text messaging because it's non-invasive (sorta), quiet, and gives them time to formulate a response.  It also gives them myriad opportunities to cultivate some corny-ass Casanova alter ego, as evidenced by Tiger's racy texts.

[Sidebar: If you plan to do some chexting of your own, consider using TigerText.  It sets a lifespan for the texts you send, deleting them from the recipient's phone as well as your own.]