Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Thursday, September 30, 2010


(The following is a re-print of a post from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

When I tell people that I am not monogamous, they often think that I am not interested in repeat dating, or seeing the same person more than once.  They think that I somehow manage to evade, escape or deny the emotion that creates a bond between two people.  This is not the case.  Though, I often wish it was.

It's a fine line I walk.  As I have said in the past, I am not into sex for the sake of sex.  It doesn't have to be love, but it does have to be loving.  I think sex devoid of a connection is sex devoid of passion.  It all goes back to being a good lover, putting forth effort and putting yourself into your sex and into your partner, for whatever amount of time you choose to spend with them.

With some, this can be a one time act.  It can be performed without words, with only looks, smiles and touch.  You can have a sexual connection with someone, feeling their movements and reading their body to discover and fulfill their wants.  This can be a one time act and still be beautiful and fulfilling.

Or, it can be repeated and consist of more.  Sometimes, you meet someone and you have all of the things I mentioned above, while also having a connection on another level.  You can have that amazing sex, while also being able to carry on a great conversation and make each other laugh.

I think it silly to forsake this because you don't want to be monogamous.  Some connections are physical and fleeting, while others are lasting and more substantial.  They can be confused at times, but as long as honesty is the key element, I see no harm in blurring the lines a little.  I also see no point in forsaking a good thing for the sake of variety or out of the pride that comes out of knowing that you are not the only one.  Each connection is different and unique and some need to be explored longer than others.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

How to Impress a Guy

(The following is an excerpt from an article on

Impressing a guy will mostly depend on the type of guy you are trying to get the attention of. If your guy is a sports fan, it may impress him if you find out as much as you can about his favorite player. This way you can join in conversations about sports with him, and since many females do not generally get involved, he will know you are willing to try.

If you are trying to impress a shy guy, take charge with him and let him know how you feel. Helping him out of a tough situation by giving advice will impress him. If he is a smart guy, learning a little about what he is the most interested in and talking to him about it will be enough to impress him. This is especially true if he knows you are not the type of female to get into that subject to begin with. It shows you are willing and able to be interested in the things he likes, and this will impress him.

In relationships it seems that a guy is always forced to get into whatever his girl gets into. So, if you as a female are willing to do things he likes, or learn and talk about things a guy likes, it will impress him. If your guy is a car fanatic, learn a little about his favorite type of car. From headers to cylinders, he will be impressed when you can tell him the cc’s of the engine that goes into his favorite car. If you need help finding out this information, ask his friends for help. When he finds out you are asking about the things he likes so you can impress him, he will pay more attention to the detail you put into it.

Lastly, impressing a guy does not mean you have to have sex with him. It simply means that you have to be on his level, and willing to engage in the interests he has. If this means he loves karaoke, you don’t have to sing but you do have to be supportive. If your guy likes drawing, find out where to buy the best paper and pens from and let him know. Ask him what he likes to use and why, then buy him some supplies. Little things mean the most, and it does not have to cost you an arm and a leg to get your point across.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


(The following is a re-print from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

It has been brought to my attention by more than one man (3 to be exact), that my sharing of "everything" is "too much."  I do note that men have told me this, because I have yet to hear this from a woman.  I have been told by an ex, a current and a friend that I have lost their respect or any ability to be taken seriously as anything more than casual sex or casual dating.  I have accepted what they say and tried not to pay it too much mind.  Every once in a while, in the depths of night, I worry that I might be alone forever.  That in writing this blog and making my sexual experiences known to all, I might be sealing my fate to never deserve the love and respect of that special someone.  It should also be noted that sometimes late at night I worry that the soda I drank earlier in the day will give me cancer.  Late at night, I am quite positive that I am going to fail all of my finals that are months away and I am sure I will never get a job.  This is the time when my mind plays tricks on me.

In the light of day, I remember that the reason I am not in a relationship is because I am not looking for one.  And that even though people tell me that I am fighting the instinct to settle down or that I am fooling myself, I know what I want.  Irrational thoughts have a time and place, so I save mine for the dark of night.  These are private moments.  Privacy.  This is what these men have told me I should be clinging to.  I should be retaining some scrap of privacy and maintaining some dignity.  So, I decided to take some time and put real thought into this argument.  Am I losing something by giving so much of my privacy away?

The conclusion I have come to is; I don't know that privacy really exists.  Think about what would happen if you died today.  Just suddenly.  No warning.  Bam ... Right now ... Dead.  Someone would go through your things.  Maybe your mother or your husband.  Someone would have to throw out your half used bottle of lube.  Someone would sort through your papers, go through your computer files, delete your naked pictures, erase your history, read your journal.  This might happen out of necessity to clean up or it might happen in an effort to get to know you better or to hold on to you once you are gone.

Letters Jefferson and Madison shared are actually referred to as "The Private Letters," yet, they are published and used in every lecture regarding the creation of the Bill of Rights.  They were only private in intent.  They were meant to be private, but eventually, it all comes out in the wash.  People read text messages and emails to find their spouse is cheating.  Kids stumble upon their mother's vibrators.  Parents search their kid's rooms for drugs and condoms.  Journalists and campaign workers work to uncover the 'dirt' on the opposition.

Young women have sex, believing that it is a private moment, only to have sex tapes revealed, pictures passed around school, stories told behind their backs and a whole slew of violations on their trust.  When their secret moments are revealed, they are called sluts and hoes.  They are laughed at and belittled.  And for what, for enjoying sex, for trying something new or even making a mistake?  Well, my sexuality isn't a mistake and it doesn't have to be that private.  I will wear a scarlet letter for some, but for others, this blog is just good clean fun.  I'm not the butt of anyone's joke.  I'm not disrespected and I'm not here to disrespect anyone.  

People have different reasons for keeping things 'private' and people have other reasons for digging that privacy up.  Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it's accidental, but it can always happen.  I have spent my entire life hiding things and deciding that it wasn't worth it.  We all do it.  I hid smoking pot from my parents when I was a teenager for a bit, but eventually I just let it be known.  It was easier than hiding.  I knew they didn't approve, but hiding it didn't make it any less true.  I hid cigarettes from my sister for a bit, but then I just smoked in front of her and eventually I quit that altogether.  I have never cheated on anyone, because I can't fucking hold water.  I spill everything I do.  It's just me.  My sexuality and my love for sex were just the last thing to go.

I could have waited to be found out.  I could have written it in my journal or kept it in my head.  I could have acted like I don't love sex, but then I would either have to hide it or ignore that part of myself.  I didn't have to come out like this, granted, but why not.  My mama knows I am sexually liberated and she doesn't judge.  She doesn't read the blogs that are sexually explicit, because she doesn't want to know the details.  But she doesn't mind that this is a reality that exists, it just makes her a little sick to think about.  She doesn't judge it, it just grosses her out.  Fair enough.  So, if it makes you sick to hear the details, get smart like my mama and stop reading.  Otherwise, just enjoy it.  It's not a violation of my privacy.  If I want something to be totally private, I will keep it to myself.  But, for the most part, I want to share and I want to be open.  This is a learning experience for me and it's mine to share with the world if I choose.  My body is MY temple and my 'private' parts are mine to do with as I choose.  And, until Blogger says otherwise, I can share all I want. :)

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Who and the Why in Cheating

(The following is a re-print from an article on

Infidelity happens for a multitude of reasons, some quite complex. Regardless of the reason, it can be extremely hurtful to the people who are cheated on, and it can leave those people bitter for the rest of their lives. In addition to destroying families, cheating can shatter illusions of what love is, destroy one's ability to trust, and cause people to question how people should treat one another.

Who Cheats and Why?

The Cheater In Need is someone whose needs, wants, and desires (physical or emotional) are not being met within the relationship.  Often this person does not know how to communicate their needs, or he or she feels uncomfortable asking for what they need. The cheater in need's partner may, equally, not be able to understand what the cheater is asking for, or they may be unable (or unwilling) to meet those needs. This type of relationship vividly demonstrates the need for honest and open communication between partners as these cheaters cheat because they do not know how to get their needs met in a more productive way.

The Passive Aggressive Cheater wants to be caught and left by the non-cheating partner. Rather than facing the partner and saying that they want to break up, he (or she) cheats and hopes to be discovered so that they can get out of the relationship. Yes, it's a passive aggressive way to break up.

The Narcissistic Cheater is someone who wants to have the best of both worlds ...or three worlds, or four, whatever the case may be. He (or she) doesn't have any regard for anyone else's feelings or needs. The narcissist only cares about themselves, period.  It is important to realize that someone with a narcissistic personality is unlikely to ever change. These people seek out partners to satisfy their needs -- their needs, and theirs alone.

The Adrenaline Junkie Cheater is addicted to excitement, sex, and risk. These people often get bored in a healthy relationship and crave the feeling of almost being caught and the adrenaline rush that comes with that fear.

The Self Destructive Cheater suffers deep seeded psychological problems and they don't feel that they deserve love, so when things are going well, and they start feeling loved, they will do whatever they need to do to end it. Often that dysfunction takes the form of cheating.

The Symptomatic Cheater is someone whose cheating behavior is just the tip of the iceberg -- a secondary symptom of some other problem. For instance, alcoholics or drug addicts may cheat on their lovers or their spouses as a symptom or a part of their disease. Cheating may not be the main problem -- rather a symptom of something else that's wrong.

Cheating Exposed: How You Find Out Your Partner is Cheating is Important 
  • If the partner confesses his or her infidelity to you, it may be a cry for help. He or she may want you to help him either fix your relationship or end it.
  • If you find out that your partner is cheating by discovering without his or her input, you’ve got a tougher problem because in addition to the extra curricular activities, there is lying going on.
  • If your spouse is a serial cheater, which means they have been cheating with more than one person, then it's going to be much harder for them to change their behavior than if it was truly a one time thing.
Is A "More Than Just Friendly" Email Cheating? How About Cyber-Sex and Internet Porn?

It may sound funny, but cheating has taken on a whole new set of definitions today and it means different things to different people. Some people think that cheating involves sexual intercourse only. Others think that cheating is any sexual activity, including oral sex, kissing, fondling, and any sex act that results in orgasm. But there are other ways that cheating can be perceived.
  • Flirting. Flirting can be threatening to a woman who sees her boyfriend doing it with another woman. Many men get very jealous if they see their girlfriends or wives flirting with another man. On the other hand, some people think nothing of their partner flirting with someone else -- the important thing to them is who they go home with.
  • Bachelor party incidents. Having sex with a hooker or a call girl at a bachelor party may count as cheating to one person, but not to another, who figures it’s a one time thing with someone he doesn’t know.
  • Virtual relationships. If a partner has a chat room or an e-mail relationship with someone of the opposite sex that he’s never met in person, the other partner may or may not consider it cheating, even though they’ve never met in person.
Are All Cheaters Created Equally? Should Stay with Someone Who Cheats?

If you find out your partner is cheating in your relationship that involves your marriage and children, you have more at risk than just your relationship. You have a family at risk. If you can solve the problems and stay together, then you should.

Serial Cheaters

If your spouse is a serial cheater, then you have a difficult problem that requires professional help to either keep the marriage intact, or to unravel it. While you are doing this, try to keep the children uninvolved in the drama. If they see you crying or red-eyed, you can tell them that - daddy and I (or mommy and I) are having some grown-up problems, and we're working them out, but sometimes it makes us feel sad. And something that makes me feel better is when I go to yoga (or whatever it is that does make you feel better).
This allows the children the dignity of your not lying to them about a problem, and also gives them the safety of knowing that you are doing something to get help -- even if it's as simple as going to yoga or having lunch with your best friend.

These are very hard wounds to heal, but they can be healed if you choose to attempt this. It is important to discover the extent of the cheating, when it began, and most importantly, why.

If a cheating partner is not something you can ever accept, then your choice to end the relationship is clear.

When Cheating Actually Helps

In some cases, cheating can actually save a marriage that is going through rough patches. If no one’s feelings are hurt, which usually means that someone doesn’t find out, or if the cheating is going on with both spouses, but there is a strong commitment to the family unit, the cheating can take care of sexual and intimacy needs of the individuals, while the business of "running" the family is going on as usual. In many European histories, this was common and accepted, and affairs were a way of keeping marriages that had political ramifications intact.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Top 10 Dating Tips

(The following is a re-print of an article on

Whether you are new to the dating scene, are reentering the dating scene, or are a serial dater, you can use dating tips and advice. No one is a dating expert – even the most beautiful and wealthy people all struggle with matters of the heart. Everyone can learn something about how to date more, how to attract the types of people we want to attract, and how to make sure initial chemistry blooms into an enduring relationship.

The truth is, there are no magic formulas, no fail-proof tricks, no cunning ways of trapping Mr. or Miss Right. There are however some essential facts that you should always bear in mind along the way. Dating tips are just that -- tips, not one-size-fits-all guarantees. Different tacks will work for different people. It depends on the situation, who we are, where we are in our lives, etc. However, there are some threads of advice that are fairly universal and can benefit anyone who practices them:

Top 10 Dating Tips
  1. Get prepared for dating. If you really want to succeed in the dating game, be ready to commit to dating. Half-heartedness won't work. In fact, it won’t even get you half-way. If you really want to date, put some effort into it. Do some research and think about what you want out of dating. Prepare yourself for the inevitable rejection we all face at some point in dating and commit not to give up.
  2. Get your act together. Begin a regime of looking your best. Join a gym, read health magazines, get fit and start a diet. Get your hair cut or styled and begin a new regime of good grooming or beauty treatment. Though it will not find you a date in itself, you will feel a million times more confident about yourself, and others can sense that.
  3. Go shopping and treat yourself to new clothes and even a whole new look. Get your image right, one that you can manage and live with, but one that flatters you. Don't try to be someone you’re not, but amplify and accentuate your positives. Throw out those tired jeans, old sweaters or cardigans and spruce yourself up. Your date will appreciate that you demonstrated some effort.
  4. Think about what you want to gain from dating and what timeframes you expect. Do you see yourself married within 2 years? If you do, then approach dating accordingly. If you are more laid back and don't take dating too seriously then ask yourself some honest questions about why you are dating and what you hope to achieve. If it is purely sex then ask yourself if you are about to be honest with those you hope to date.
  5. Surround yourself with people who will support your dating aims. By following the first four tips you will feel better and be more focused. Don’t sabotage this by sitting around with friends who are negative about love and relationships (often the married ones). Start attending social functions frequented by singles. Sitting alongside couples at dinner parties in suburbia is not necessarily where you need to be right now.
  6. Choose those you have a good chance of dating. Be realistic. In other words, your dating is based on the whole package you present as well as just your personality. If you are looking for a glamour girl or boy and want to date someone trendy and gorgeous, great! Just know that others will expect you to be the same.
  7. Join clubs, societies, sports events, drama groups -- anything that might help you meet like-minded potential partners. You will not meet people by staying indoors and playing video games – many have tried and failed at this approach.
  8. Take time off from dating occasionally if it’s not going well or causing dating fatigue. Recharging your batteries and keeping confidence and optimism levels high is an absolute must. We all hit rough patches, but don’t let your search for love become a death march. Date in phases if necessary.
  9. Enjoy dating for what it is, dating. It is meeting people and socializing and spending time in the company of stimulating individuals who may or may not play a bigger part in your life down the road. The fact is, most people have something interesting to offer. While you may not be out on the dating scene looking for new friends, you may well find one or two fabulous people along the way.
  10. Never make yourself too available. People like mystery and enigma and the thrill of the chase when dating. As part of keeping up the mystery, do not sleep with your dates early on. The longer a person is made to chase and fall for you within reason, the more likely that love may blossom. (And yes, this goes for both men AND women!) If the chemistry peaks too early, your emotions may never have time to catch up and the relationship will eventually wither away.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Rejection: The Tale of How I Wanted More

(The following is a re-print of a post from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

... and why I didn't get it.

I made a mistake.

I know I don't talk about him much, but I think about Todd all the time.  Todd took me on my last 'official date' of the summer.   While on said date, we played pinball.  When I got back to school, I discovered that the school had purchased a brand new pinball machine.  I am addicted.  And, every time I go play, I think about him.  I even take pictures of my high score so I can prove that I scored 25,000,000 in one game.  Yep.  I did that.

Anyway, there is a point to this.  I think about him a lot. We've only been on two dates and we never text or talk on the phone.  We don't IM.  We really don't know each other that well, at all.   But, somewhere in the back of my mind, I see him as someone I would be really compatible with.  He said he would come visit me here in New England, but I don't think he will.  I mean I didn't think he would, now I know he won't.  Yeah, this is the lead in to that mistake I mentioned earlier...

I texted Todd and asked him if he's ever thought of having more with me.  More than just casual dating.  That was the mistake.  I just think about him so much and maybe I have romanticized it all, but I just really liked him.  I don't write about him much.  I don't talk about him much.  I just think about him.  It's just the way I am.  I like to tell my friends that I am in love with every guy I meet.  I like to write about guys and talk about the emotion I feel after sex.  That's just talk.  It's the influx of emotion/adrenaline of something new.  It's different when you think about someone daily.  Especially if you don't talk to them daily.

I talk to Lewis daily and as much as I adore that man, I know we can't have anything.  It breaks my heart sometimes, but it's just the way it is. Aside from neither of us wanting a relationship, we would not be a good match.  We have a lot in common and we are both very passionate, but we could never work.  I know this.  Don't get me wrong.  I think he is amazing and he might prove to be one of the best friends I have ever had.

The Beautiful One is another great guy that I could never be with.  I talk to him often too, but I have really never considered him as more than what we are.  He's great, but he's in love and he's ready to settle down.  I am not mad at all that I am not the woman he is in love with.  I am sure they will be happy and I am sure he will be a great man for her.  I wish him all the best and I want to be his friend, but that's all.

Then, there's Todd.  No one else makes the short list.  Let me just start by saying, I am not in love with Todd, I just wanted to maybe see where it could go with him.  See if there could be more than casual dating.  I wanted to invite him to my going away party, but I thought that was too forward.  Asking him to come meet all my friends and family would have just been too much after only three dates.  I was right in not doing that.  I did invite him to come visit and he said he would.  That was just a fantasy as well, I guess.  I hoped it wasn't, but thought it might be.

I have said it before.  I am not against relationships.  I just don't think my life should be guided by a search for one.  I wanted to get out and date a bit.  I don't want to keep falling into relationships based on the sheer need or want of a relationship.  If it did happen, I wanted it to be more organic than that.  I will consider it if the feelings are there and the spark is there.

I felt that for Todd.  But, he didn't feel it for me. Todd has never thought about me for more than casual dating.  That is what about 20 text messages revealed.  (Note - This is written with the bitterness that comes with a fresh rejection.)  Let me say, I didn't ask Tdd to be my boyfriend.  I didn't say I wanted a relationship.  I just asked him if he had thought about me in that way.  He hasn't.  It's for the best, I am sure.  My relationship fantasies about Todd were just that.  They were fantasies about someone I really hardly know anyway.  I won't say it didn't sting.  I even cried.  I may or may not be teary eyed right now.  But, it's whatever. (Bitterness.)  It is what it is.  Life goes on.

His final response was "Mentioning the blog doesn't help if there is a chance that you are interested in more than casual dating, more info than a potential mate should know."  The trouble with that is, I am not actively seeking a relationship.  I just considered one with him.  I told him about the blog, because it was the only honest thing to do.  Kind of a double edged sword.  He also suggested that maybe I was just homesick.  Maybe I was just stressed.  Maybe he is right.  So, I suppose this is a dilemma that will happen from time to time.  Probably not that often, since this is the first instance in my two years of being single where I have considered entering another relationship.  It was just a thought.

He said I seemed upset after Rejection Fest 2010.  I suppose I was.   I am.  Nobody likes being rejected, but I am a big girl and I can take it.  I am proud of myself for being honest with him and telling him how I felt.  And I am more proud for telling you guys.  I considered a relationship folks.  I did it.  It was a failure.  And now it's time to dust off my chaps and get back on the horse.  It's probably all for the best, because I am not ready to give up the blog just yet and I am sure he would not have appreciated having a blog written just about him, anyway.

I am glad that I got to have this experience.  I like knowing that I can't be pigeon holed, even by me.  I am not a dating machine.  Every once in a while, I will fall for someone and I might be rejected.  I will share that side of myself with you guys, as well.  Happy reading, folks.

by Poly Amory

Friday, September 24, 2010

How to Make Your Man Appreciate You

(The following is an excerpt from an article on

When we've been in a relationship for some time it's easy to start taking each other for granted. This happens often with couples and sometimes it's the woman who just doesn't feel that her man values her enough. If you are beginning to feel this way you know it's not good. You can grow to resent your man which just leads to even more relationship problems. There are things you can do to make your man appreciate you more than he does now.

One reason why men start to take the woman in their lives for granted is her availability. If you've made it clear, through both words and actions, to your man that you'll always be no farther than a phone call away from him, he's going to start treating you like he would an old shoe. He won't pay you nearly as much attention as he once did because he knows you aren't going anywhere. If you want to make your man appreciate you more, you need to show him that you aren't old faithful. The best way to do this is to start being less available. Make plans that don't include him and don't go into elaborate explanations for why you can't spend time with him.

You can also make your man appreciate you more by doing less for him. As women we sometimes take our natural caretaker role too far. It may feel wonderful to do everything you can for the man in your life, but there will be a point where he'll start to expect it and not appreciate it. If you want to reignite his respect for you, you need to stop doing as much as you have been. If you are always the one cooking dinner, don't do it every night. If you've taken care of his laundry for him, tell him he needs to do it himself. If you two live together a great way to do less for him is to simply go away for a week or so. Let him fend for himself. By the time you return he'll fully understand how much you really do mean to him.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


(Reprinted from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

I did a bad thing.  I lied to Todd.  I told him Lynn was taking me to the airport, when I was really going to meet The Beautiful One.  I didn't think about it again after I sent the false text.  I just sent it and went about my evening.

I started this blog because I wanted to be held to the truth.  I wanted to work on being the most honest me I could be and I wanted to be accountable when I strayed from the truth.  I am not a liar, I don't make a habit of telling lies and I don't use lies to make my life more convenient, because in the end, they make everything more murky and they just make things worse.  That's exactly what happened.

The moment of truth came when I sent Todd a text that was just a heart and he responded by asking why I had lied to him.  He had read a blog post that contradicted something I had told him. This was what I was looking for from the blog.  Eventually, I would be thankful that he called me out.  But, my first reaction was to say "shit." It was a combination of "Why did I lie?" and "Dammit, I'm busted."

The question that has reared it's ugly head since the inception of this blog is "When is honesty good and when is it just cruel?"  When am I just telling too much?  I think this is frequently the problem with total honesty and it's often the justification for lies.  "If I tell her/him I cheated, it will break her/his heart."  So, I lie.  That's not valid.  I think that we enter a sticky territory when we start to play with honesty, molding it to save feelings.  I am still not sure how I feel about confessing an affair to clear your own conscience, but that's not the issue here.  I didn't have to lie.  This blog frees me from lies.  I don't ever tell a man that he is the only one.  Lying was a bad decision.

Todd and I have both been hurt by lies and he is probably the one person that knows, first hand, how I feel on the subject of honesty.  I think about that lie every day.  Whether it was a 'small lie' or a 'white lie,' it demonstrated my ability to lie.  And I know how destructive that can be.

Moral of the story, I find lies intolerable.  Whether the violation is committed by me or someone I care about, it will not be permitted in my life.  I've decided to be open and honest.  It's an everyday battle.  Until we really face it head on, we don't realize how big a part of our lives lying really is. I would like to take this moment to apologize to Todd and to the rest of you.  I am far from perfect, but I am working on being good, at the very least.

by Poly Amory

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

How to Win His Attention

(The following is an excerpt from an article on

Every woman wants to know how to get men’s attention and how to make him interested in the relationship. There are several simple ways to do so. Read this article and you will get his heart without too many efforts.

It’s very important to know these easy rules for every woman. First of all because many women just have no idea how to get men’s attention. Women remember their teenage years when they followed the guys they liked but never succeed. Or their crush disappeared after the first date. Some women never understand what they did wrong and have the same problem later on.

Well, let’s talk about the first date. To begin with let’s say that women regard the first date much more important than men do. Men expect to win a prize after a successful date. Women take the first date differently. For them it’s like an exam and they don’t have right to make mistakes. So it will be useful to read what men expect from women on the first date. Hope these simple tips will help you to understand what to do and what not to do on the first date.

First of all don’t overdress. Usually women try to look the best they can. And sometimes they try too hard. Sense of proportion is very important. Choose neat casual wear; do not use too much jewelry and too much perfume. Also be careful with make-up. Don’t give a man reason to think that you dolled up for him, it may put him off.

Don’t talk too much. Sure you have a lot to say but let a man lead the conversation. You need to listen more and to talk less for being a good company. Ask your date about his childhood or his favorite soccer players and let him tell you funny and interesting stories. All you need to do is to keep the ball of conversation. Psychologists say that an easy way to be wanted, no matter how physically attractive you are (or are not), is to make him feel good about himself. Listen to what he says, make him laugh and help him forget his troubles. He will get a feeling of having a great talk.

Don’t be too fastidious and imposing. Let your man choose the restaurant or an activity for the first date. Sure if you absolutely don’t like his choice tell him about it and suggest another variant. . But do not be to domineering about deciding every little thing. Remember, men do notice immediately if a woman is dominating and they do not like it.

Don’t do sappy things. For example never bring any little romantic gifts to him on the first date. It’s really untimely and importunate. Another bad idea is going to the cinema to a melodrama. He won’t be happy to see a sniffling woman on the first date. Also you shouldn’t show and focus on your weakness or delicateness. Be natural and remain yourself.

Using these tips will help you to learn how to make a man to be really interested in you. This will give you the chances to get a healthy, strong relationship with the man you have been after. Just don’t forget to let him know that you have an independent personality; you don’t have to better than you are. Keep these points in mind if you want to retain the man you are dating.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Waiting to Sexhale -- Not!

"If I needed snatch to breathe, I'd be in a relationship." -- George, 47 ( fellow member of the author's gym)

Somewhere along the way, women got it twisted.  Pussy is powerful stuff, but it ain't the cure for cancer.

Men aren't sexual camels like some women.  How a female can go for weeks, months, even years without ding-a-ling is beyond us.  Men like sex, love sex ... but we don't need it.

It's a luxury.  Like the shit you see in Robb's Report.

Personally, I try not to get my ankles caught in any woman's bear trap.  There's so much that comes attached to the P-U-S-S-Y that even the most hands-off chick can become a distraction.  Only men with nothing going on have all day and all night to scrounge for ass.

And ladies ... do you really wanna fuck those guys?

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dating Tips Every Woman Over 30 Needs to Know

(The following is an excerpt from an article on  Brackets, [ ], indicated my personal emphasis.)

If you're a woman over thirty back in the dating game then these dating tips should help you play a little smarter without needing to work harder. This is your time to shine. Don't let anyone else tell you any differently.

So, what are these wonderful tips and how are they going to help you land Mr. Right?

1) Be confident. You're a woman in your prime. You are bright, savvy, and beautiful. It doesn't get much better than that. If you believe otherwise take a nice long, objective look in the mirror and don't stop until you've seen the beautiful, intelligent, creative thinker looking back at you that Mr. Right is going to see when he looks at you.

2) Know that life and fun did not end at 29. It really is just a number no matter how devastating the world is going to try to convince you it is. If you allow anyone to convince you that you are somehow diminished by the passage of time you might want to remind them that many works of art become more valuable with time.

3) Laugh often. It is especially important to laugh while on dates. If he doesn't laugh along with you then he's probably not Mr. Right. Who wants a Mr. Right that either takes himself too seriously or just can't seem to loosen up and have a little fun? The purpose of dating is to have fun with someone else if you're not both having fun it's not going to be a great date. Laugh. Have fun. Be prepared for a good time instead of worrying about what could get wrong.

4) Relax! Do whatever it takes to calm yourself. Whether you need a massage, a facial at the spa, or a nice healthy dose of chocolate to calm your nerves do whatever it takes to find your place of Zen. When you are comfortable and relaxed you'll be in a much better frame of mind to have fun and to be fun. You want to make sure that he's having a great time too: especially if you'd like a second date.

5) Don't let outside pressure allow you to feel desperate to find Mr. Right. It's not important to get married right now. It's more important to find the right man to get married too. Undo pressure to get married or make grandchildren has led more than one woman down a path that wasn't wise. Don't leap into a relationship you don't really want because you think it will make other people happy. Instead, focus on what it will take to make you happy and find the man that will deliver.

Chances are you've already met Mr. Right and he's slipped through your fingers.  [Look closer next time.]

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Relationships: Do's vs. Don't's (for Women)

  • pay him compliments and give him presents
  • introduce him to your friends and don’t ask him to give up his friends
  • control your jealousy of his children if he’s divorced; - let him spend time with his children
  • ring the doorbell even if you have a key to his door (would you like to be taken unaware in your own bathroom?)
  • go with him to a football game (he shouldn’t think that you are going to be a football fan)
  • if you bump into your ex, try to ignore him (even if he looks great and you are not over him)
  • tell him how clever he is (at least once a week)
  • not try hard to win his confidence and make him a member of your family -- you are with him because you like him and you should always show it to him
  • never criticize his friends, even if you feel like killing some of them; give him a chance to spend time with them
  • try not to focus on his defects
  • date married men because it’s in poor taste and things are going to go wrong
  • try to be his children’s mother: they already have a mother
  • tell him about your past relationships in great detail
  • spy on him -- it’s a sign of distrust and a total lack of self-confidence
  • stop looking after yourself
  • vocalize your admiration for Kevin Costner or Tom Cruise on your first movie date
  • fixate on his past love affairs and give all his girlfriends an angry look -- you should try to make them your allies
  • take your girlfriend with you everywhere just because the poor girl is so lonely

Saturday, September 18, 2010

How to Tell If a Guy Likes You

(The following is an excerpt from

One of the first things to do is to ask yourself this question: Does he frequently smile, wink or jokingly touch you?

If the answer is yes, you can safely assume that he is romantically interested. Men do not touch women that they are not interested in. Depending on the man and how confident he is depends on the level of joking and/or touching.

What I mean by touching is a pat on the back, shoulder or other parts of the body during conversation or other meetings.

Another way of to tell if a man is interested is if he seems to get into a better mood or smiles a lot in your presence. In some cases you can tell there is a definite mood improvement when you come around.
Many times you can tell that the man may be nervous, but is still delighted to see you. They will usually be interested in conversations and talking with you about whatever is going on around you.

Don't discredit a man because he doesn't talk to you or show outward affection in the beginning. It could be that he is shy and unsure of himself or does not know if you are interested in him. Sometimes with men in this situation it is difficult to know because the signals may be mixed out of insecurity and/or fear.

Give him a chance and watch for small body language signs like smiles, winking or other suggestive comments. It may take a few times of being around him for you to be able to tell the difference.

Men are hard to read because, in general, their ego's cannot stand rejection. Most men will walk a mile around a woman if he fears that she will reject him. That is the reason it is important to always build a man's confidence and speak positively of him in his presence.

If you ever knock his self esteem or reject him he will probably stay away. Men are not good with bouncing back from rejection or a hurt sense of pride. They are also not good with their emotions and often avoid situations to keep from destroying their macho stance with the guys.

Of all the dating tips online, the one that is the most important is presenting yourself truthfully.

Be honest with yourself and the man that you're interested in to have a long and lasting relationship.
That's not to say that you should not be on your best behavior, but do not act like something that you are not.  
Balancing behavior, good manners and a little flirtation is a great way to get a man and keep him.
Most men do not want a woman that is fake, so be yourself. Don't worry about impressing him as much as just having fun.

How to tell if a guy likes you is really quite easy but if youre still not sure at first just continue to have great dating fun and you will soon pick up on the signs.

Remember if you continue a relationship it is important that you continue being yourself. You can only act for so long and if you have been acting this can cause problems later in the relationship.

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Mind Is a Wonderful Servant But a Terrible Master

(The following is an excerpt from an article on

Finding out who people are: seems like it would be relatively easy, primarily given that your body registers more than 90% of all perceptible information pre-cognitively. As a human being your internal navigational system, your intuition and senses, were designed to help “know” what you need to know about anyone within seconds, literally; sometimes sooner if you are extremely sensitive and tuned-in.

Think about it: the last time you met someone, what reaction did your body have to them? Your body either opened or closed, expanded or contracted. At this point you are somatically interpreting all the bazillion bits of data, like posture, tone, smell, gait, eye movement, and so on, at light-speed and drawing critical conclusions; are they angry, aggressive, combative, kind, relaxed, tense? Basically attempting to determine if you are safe, and on how many levels; physically, emotionally, etc. In one of Ayn Rand’s books, one of the characters says; Everything you need to know about someone you will learn in the first 30 seconds of meeting them. And I would add, If you are paying attention!

Within milliseconds that data reaches the “bellyy brain” or “intuition,” (not to be confused with the “mind”) and then the next, and less accurate in some definable ways, filtering process occurs. This portion is largely habitual behavioral recognition, which means it’s a historical filter in the mind, like a database of experience that’s being flicked through at a thousand miles an hour in attempts to recognize familiar patterns (good and bad), speech patterns, common references—any and all data you have that will classify this person into some category that is understandable and recognizable. As a response, your body will expand or contract. And here’s where we get into trouble.

Depending on the various programs and beliefs that we have inherited, learned and acquired, many of our filters have become reflexive defense mechanisms which kick in, sort of like human air bags or safety barriers; he’s obviously uneducated, men who wear tennis shoes with jeans are losers, women who have chipped nail polish and swear are obviously uneducated, women with boob jobs and hair extensions are insecure, fake and high-maintenance, etc. Not that this second phase is inherently bad, but when left unexamined or cross-checked against out first true instinct, we almost always find we have set ourselves up for trouble!

Think about that for a moment. You broke up with someone and you look back and almost always say to yourself, “Gawd, and I knew this-or-that, too.” Because, well, you did! But you over-rode it! So many of us do. It’s become a cultural norm to ignore our intuition. Up until recently, even talking about intuition openly was considered esoteric! Which is sooooo bizarre, given that the body NEVER lies. Rather than blaming this on our overly patriarchal culture, I would urge you to reconsider relying on “second-hand” information. Take some time to review your own life and see how relying solely on your rational brain has not done you justice. A clue: this brain of ours is largely a pain and pleasure center, and scientists are showing now that it is not, in fact, the generator of anything, but a receptor. As ancient wisdom would have it, a wonderful servant but a terrible master. The “belly brain” i.e. the intuition, is the connection for truth and part of the bigger universal field. Sorry, brain!

So why would we do that, over-ride this perfect and flawless gift that was designed to steer us away from danger and towards our heart’s greatest desires? Oh my sweeties, this is the cry of the divine feminine, and why it is sooooo critical that we resurrect and re-awaken “her” inside each of us! Many books—in fact, volumes—have been written to explain this horrific, historical, ongoing death; but for now I will say that we have and will continue to put ourselves in harm’s way unless we learn to re-connect with our BIG brain, and re-learn to inner-view.

For now, take out a pen and paper and go ahead, see for yourself. Look back and see who’s smarter, your body or your brain?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Why Women Pick the Wrong Men

This dude makes me laugh, but the advice is sound.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 23

Not a portrait of the author.
"I'm sleeping with myself tonight ..." -- Elton John

I've never had to share a bed -- although I do from time to time -- and I've always taken steps to ensure I've never had to.  As a (only) child, I had a bed all to myself (when the monsters weren't out; then it was bunking with Mom and Dad).

Whenever friends stayed over, I let them fight over my bed.  I slept on the floor or in the closet.  (No bullshit -- LOL.)

My peeps and I used to journey to New Orleans religiously, either for Mardi Gras or the Bayou Classic.  One time we rolled out there eight deep, as I recall.  While the others were drawing lots to see who'd get to sleep "butt to dang-dang" in the motel room's two beds, I was checking to see if the bathtub was clean enough that I wouldn't wake up with a rash.

That's right: I'll do anything to sleep solo.

Sleeping with a woman -- not as a euphemism but as genuine R&R -- is damn uncomfortable.  If she wants me to be all up on her (spoon), I'm the one that has to wrap myself around her like a parenthesis.  My arm will fall asleep long before I do and I'll be breathing in hair until morning.

I like to switch pillows, too -- 'cause I can.

As a man of not-eighteen-anymore, I need my rest.  Eight hours, if I can swing it.  I change positions at least five times before nodding off; last thing I need is someone doing their rotations right after.  My pillows ... my sheets ... my blankie-wankie.

My bed.

[Postscript: I sleep in the prone position; it's not as bitch as it sounds.]

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

5 Lies Women Think Guys Want to Hear

(The following is an excerpt from an article on

I’m not a scientist, nor am I a statistics analyzer, but I’d be willing to bet the majority of lies embellishments you’ve told recently have been directed at the men in your life.  That’s just the way it goes.  You hit college and suddenly the dating field is a battleground.  It’s every girl for herself and if you’ve got to fib your way into the arms of Mr. Wonderful, then so be it.  You think you’re telling men what they want to hear, but think again.  Most guys know when you’re adding a little extra sparkle to your dating resume, especially when they come across these top five dating lies:

Knocking ten pounds off your weight.

So you’re signing up for those personal training sessions at the gym together and your guy is filling out the forms for you both.  More likely than not, it’ll play out like this:  “Hey babe, have you ever had any sports related injuries?” Not a one, you say.  “And how much do you weigh?”  Your thoughts screech to a halt.  You’re joining the gym to lose those few pounds you put on over the winter.  You were hoping they’d be gone before he had the chance to notice.  In a desperate moment, you shout out a number that is entirely false.  Apparently today you’re Nicole Richie.  A) He’s not a moron and probably knows double digits is a little low for your 5’7 height and b) he probably doesn’t care or hasn’t noticed the additional 3.8 pounds you’ve been stressing over.  Let it go

Telling him you can drink him under the table.

Ladies, just don’t.  Maybe you think it’s sexy to go shot-for-shot like you’re in some twisted version of Coyote Ugly.  Maybe you think he’ll respect you more if you can confidently walk out of the bar after six tequila shots and two beers.  More than likely you’ll end up looking like a hot mess and he’ll be holding your hair as you puke in the gutter.  Moral of the story: don’t tell lies you can’t back and don’t try to out-drink your date.  It’s not going to happen (nor should it) and, more importantly, he doesn’t want it to.

“I don’t usually do this…”

Uh, yeah you do.  The second those words leave your mouth, it’s a red flag to any guy that you’re no stranger to sex on the first date.  Now, I’m not giving you a lecture on how to conduct your personal life, that’s for you to figure out.  What I will tell you, though, is to own your choices.  He doesn’t want to hear about how you’re actually a really good girl; you were just having a rough weekend and got over served at the Applebee’s happy hour.  Be yourself and save the crap.

Pretending you’re not really into anniversaries and all those “sappy” holidays.

If it’s true, fine.  But more often than not, girls think guys want to hear that they don’t care about Valentines Day, birthdays, and anniversaries because it will make them more appealing.  Go ahead and tell him you’re the jeans and a t-shirt kind of girl, not the flowers and candy and where the hell is my eighteen-week anniversary card type of freak he usually dates.  Just don’t get upset when he takes you on your word and doesn’t deliver on the big days.  Men don’t do double talk – they like the truth, plain and simple.  It’s not a crime to want a teddy bear holding a heart; it is, however, to beat him over the head with the one your roommate got from her boyfriend.

Acting like you always look fabulous in the morning.

It’s the first time he’s sleeping over and you set your alarm so you can wake up and do your hair and makeup before he wakes up.  Of course, you’ll be in bed when he rolls over and smiles.  He’ll just assume your hair is always sporting those silky waves and your cheeks are genetically destined to be rosy pink…won’t he?  Nope.  Bed head happens to everyone, as do morning breath and pillow crease imprints.  The facts of life state that everyone looks like hell in the AM.  He won’t buy your Sleeping Beauty routine, nor should you feel obligated to put on an elaborate show.  Wanna wow him?  Brush your teeth, spritz a little body spray, bring him a cup of coffee, then get right back in that bed for round two.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Understanding Man-Think

[The following is an excerpt by April Masini from her book, Think and Date Like a Man; italics are my emphasis.]

The truth is, it's usually not men who play games, it's women! Men know what they want and then actively try to get it. Women on the other hand, are rarely direct or clear about saying what they want… so women are actually the ones who play games.

Men are either ready to be in a long term, committed relationship or they're not. And it’s pretty easy to tell the difference between a man who just wants to date and one who is interested in a commitment. The problem is, women frequently do not pay attention to the signs. 

Signs To Read & Rules To Remember:

First: If a man wants to be married, he'll act like it. If he doesn't, he'll act like it. It is the woman's responsibility to not waste her time. If a man wants to play around -- and you'll know not because he says it, but because he does it -- stay or go. Ladies, don't stay and try to change him. That's a game you create – and you won't win.

Simply, when a man is ready to become a husband—your husband—he starts acting like a husband. He will talk about the future and he will make plans for the future; he will introduce you to his family and friends; he will not only call you daily, but he’ll want to tell you the details of his day, while having a desire to hear about yours. A man that wants to get married, acts like he wants to get married.

Second: A man who is not ready to get married behaves like a guy you are dating—meaning one of the guys you are dating. And if your guy’s own version of the biological clock isn’t telling him it’s time to commit, there’s absolutely no point in pushing him. You can make the mistake of giving him an ultimatum (as many women do), make promises about how great you’ll be to him, and even ultimately snag him, but I guarantee he’ll only end up resenting you for it, or worse—cheating or leaving.

Third: Men want sex. Period. Just because a man has sex with you does not mean he wants to be your boyfriend or future husband. Don't play the game where you convince yourself -- and try to convince him, his friends, your friends and everyone's families -- that you have a meaningful relationship just because you're having sex.

Fourth: Men who are serious about you will stop dating other people, and they will stop acting like a bachelor—frequenting online dating sites, bars, pool halls and dance clubs. The fact is the singles scene no longer appeals to a man who is ready to marry. Men ready to commit, no matter what age they are, will freely admit to feeling uncomfortable and out of place in singles settings. They will increasingly change their lifestyle to one that is more domestic, whether it is at their house, their married friends or their families. If he doesn’t do this, don’t play games with yourself, and try to pretend he wants more than he’s already getting.

10 Tips for Determining If He (Or She) Is Marriage Material:

  1. He introduces you to his friends.
  2. He stops acting like a bachelor by frequenting bars and singles' events that he used to go to regularly.
  3. He stops traveling with a bunch of buddies and starts taking trips with you and only you.
  4. He's no longer interested in his old hobby of just getting laid.
  5. He makes a significant place for you in his life at holiday time, whether it's Thanksgiving, Christmas or Valentine's Day by inviting you to a family function, or giving you a thoughtful gift.
  6. He's monogamous -- and you're sure of it.
  7. He talks about getting married, settling down, having children, having a wedding – all with you.
  8. He calls you daily. When he does he wants to hear about your day, and he wants to tell you details of his day.
  9. He has a good, full time job, and he is financially independent. If he's still struggling to pay the bills, he's not going to welcome the financial burden of a wife and family. If he doesn't have a job, he's pretty far from being marriage material.
  10. He isn't married to his job. If he consistently cancels plans with you then his job is more important than balancing his relationship with the rest of his life is. However, definitely cut a successful man slack, but watch to make sure that when he does have a break in his work he wants to spend that time with you.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

That Next-Day Call

I know I hate making it (but then again I hate phones period).

To men it's like a check-in phone call, like we're away at camp and have to call home.  We know.  You need to hear it in our voices that we enjoyed ourselves, hear some pledge to do it again.

But we have lives, ones that continued when you said goodnight.

Now, had you invited us in for coffee ...

Nope.  Still probably wouldn't want to call.  Sometimes it's because we're trying to play the situation breezy, not seem too excited (you're doing the same thing, probably).  Other times it's because the date was simply the date -- neither exceedingly bad or good.

We might send a text.  It's like an e-mail; no need to respond unless it's urgent.  The next-day phone call should be changed officially to the next-day text.  I like that.  It's easier.  Plus, my boys don't have to shut up when I answer the phone.  They've been busy laughing at me telling them about you queefing in your sleep.

Just sayin'.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

What Makes You "Good"?

I'm genuinely curious.  When a woman says, "You need a good girl like me," what makes her good?

That she's only had sex with a few people?

That she goes to church like clockwork?

That she's working on another degree?

That she prefers slacks to skirts?

I couldn't help but wonder out loud for the sake of a post, but I'm really interested.  If any woman reading this wants to make a case for being good, she can send an e-mail to and let me know what makes her "good."

Friday, September 10, 2010

Late Night Realizations: or, How Did This Happen?

 (The following is a re-post from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)
When I was young, I could paint a future with any man I dated.  No matter how mundane the time we spent.  No matter how little true feeling I had for the person, I could always imagine a future with him. We'll call it desperation or maybe wishful thinking.  Naw ... desperation is most likely it.  I will save you the details, but I had some separation anxiety and some difficulty being alone in my teens and early 20's.  The end result of that was a string of unsuccessful relationships that were based on little, or no, real connection or emotion.

Fast forward to now.  Fast forward to tonight, actually.  I sit here typing after having another good date.  There was a connection.  There was feeling.  And, there was a complete inability to imagine how I could ever really have a relationship with this guy.  Sometimes I try to imagine it just for the hell of it. These days, I have little luck imagining a successful relationship with anyone.

I have honed in on what I want in men.  Not this list of qualities that I expect to find all in one man, but an idea of things that will and won't work.  I know when to call it quits and stop responding to texts.  I know when something is just not worth the time.  I also know when it will be something worth while.  Yet, I can't ever see a future with any of the men I date.  I feel love for some of them, deep admiration for others.  I find qualities that are great and there are probably 4 guys that I am currently seeing that I want to keep seeing.

So, as I lay here tonight, attempting sleep next to another wonderful man, I can't help but wonder if I will ever meet anyone that I can imagine settling down with.  I also wonder what happened between my early 20's and now.  I am about 20 days from my 30th birthday and somewhere along the way, I stopped planning my future with men and became happier than I have ever been.  My only concern is, if this kind of change happened in my 20's, what will my 30's hold and how will I feel when I'm 40???  I guess only time will tell.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 22

Before the recession, I was a strip club patronizing fool!  (Then the state legislature put a $5 state tax on all covers; fuck outta here!!!)

My peeps and I used to bum rush Dallas Gentlemen's every weekend.

We'd go to Cabaret Royale on the last Tuesday of every month -- customer appreciation night.  Steak, lobster, shrimp, mashed potatoes, broccoli, rolls, cheesecake, chocolate cake.  "Ugh ... you eat at strip clubs?!"  Yes.  I'd eat dinner in the middle of the zoo if it was good and free.

Speaking of the zoo, the most impressive stripper I ever saw climbed a pole, hooked her plastic pumps into the ceiling, and like some overgrown bat creature dazzled us with all kinds of fantastical moves a la Cirque de Soleil.  It could've ended in tragedy but ...

I've had sex with a stripper before.  To be clear, we were already friends.  I bumped into her at a club I didn't even want to go to.  Thanks to her I saw my first ever drag queen show and learned how strippers like to pay for things.  After buying me yet another shot (who was trying to cuckoo who?), I watched her open her purse to reveal a cache of ironed one dollar bills.  You can put that on the shortlist of things I'll recollect right before my death.

I've never been kicked out of a strip club, but I plan to be.

I have a friend who'd never been to a strip club and didn't see the point (this was, like, '03).  He started going with us.  Then he started going without us.  Then he started going during his lunch break.  Then he started taking some of the strippers out to lunch.  It's called evolution, folks.

I contracted food poisoning and got kicked in the head with a stiletto in the same night -- at the same strip club.  I haven't been back to Silver City since the night -- or morning, I guess -- when they served the most suspect breakfast ever.  (Truth told, I should've avoided the ham).  I was so wobbly drunk that when the stripper starting doing windmills I couldn't help but lean forward like Don Quijote set to do battle.  And that's when it hit me ...


I'd like to work at a strip club for a time, be the littlest bouncer -- Patrick Swayze in Road House.  "Sir, I'm only gonna ask you three more times to keep your hands to yourself."  Perfect.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

More Issues Than Esquire

Almost every young man needs to get his shit together in a few areas of his life, but some are just completely unraveled.  That said, such men may seem attractive at first, so you'll try them out.

That's when the problems unfurl like red carpet.

Stay away from men with issues, not because you'll make them worse but because they'll make you worse.

Some are unlucky.  Some are dumb as shit.  Others aren't screwed on so tight.  Don't let whatever the exterior's doing for you leave you vulnerable.  These are the types of men who wasted whole years of your life.  Later when you tell people the story, they won't know whether to console you or laugh in your fucking face.

A man's issues can't be resolved by in-house pussy -- period.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"I Really, Really Like You"

When you tell a man too soon that you really like him, you're telling him two things:

1) That you've been long in searching for a man to complete you and make your life seem worthwhile, even at the expense of due diligence.

2) That he should get rid of you as soon (after sex) as possible.

You keep spending time with this guy because you think he's attractive, right?  You've recognized something worth having all to yourself, and like a team after draft day you're looking to lock down this franchise player ASAP.

Problem is, the average dating man doesn't stamp ASAP on anything except the bedroom, and your true confession over Starbucks coffee or during some drunken post-club phone call won't win him over.

Whether you're 18 and fresh or 30 with a bunch of clocks on you, it's better to just relax and see where the relationship goes.  If you don't feel like you're getting out what you've been putting in, kick rocks -- seriously.  You'll be doing both of you a favor, but you don't want to look back and see that things fell apart because of your need for verbal transparency.

"I really, really like you."  All he hears are the strings from Psycho.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Date Movie: The American

Don't let those Rockport slip-ons fool you.

This isn't a review of the new movie starring George Clooney -- not really.  Rather, it's about the possibilities The American affords two people on a date.

The film's anchor is its tension.  By the time the first shot goes off you'll have forgotten to tighten up so you won't jump.  After that every scene, every word, every camera shot winding around a corner will foreshadow menace and danger.

Hold on to your man.

There's a heavy dose of romance in The American -- just in different shades.  Clooney's first relationship, initially given the Nicholas Sparks treatment, ends so coldly and abruptly that you'll be thoroughly discombobulated from there on out.

Lying low in a small Italian village that time forgot, Clooney's character -- Edward, Jack or "Mr. Butterfly" depending on who he's talking to -- is drawn to two women he can't and probably shouldn't trust, a fellow assassin who's commissioned his help in building the perfect weapon and a local prostitute who's prepared to let things get personal.

I'll leave the rest for the date but this movie has everything.  And it's quiet.  It's a slow-paced movie that won't have you on the edge of your seat like, say, Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D, so even in the midst of mounting suspense you and your date can relax and feel each other up in the dark.

Or just hold hands to calm the tension.  Save it for later.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Minute Madness is Back ... If You Dare

New Shoes is bringing back MINUTE MADNESS!!!

Record a video lasting sixty seconds or less intellectualizing -- or ranting -- about relationships, dating, sex, marriage, etc.

Upload the video (on Youtube, Vimeo ... wherever) and send the link to and you'll see it featured in a future New Shoes post.  It's like an open-ended survey where you get to decide what the important topic is!


Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Un-Boyfriend

(The following is a re-post from the blog I Hate 2 Date.)

How many times have you found yourself in a situation, a relationship, a dynamic where you are with someone and yet not officially “with” them. Not their boyfriend/girlfriend? This non-committal phenomenon is older than the hills although now we have new ways of describing it. Friends With Benefits, F*ck Buddies, BFF’s, or just Friends without any label.

I seem to find myself in this situation over and over throughout my life. And even with my ageless wisdom, cannot figure out why. The difference as we get older, is to figure out how to make this a mutually beneficial situation….or at least enjoy what you can get out of the no-strings dynamic.

How do we end up or start out in this funk, for lack of a better term? Sometimes you meet someone, like them, but for whatever reason, realize there is no future or potential for anything but friendship. Other times, we come out of a relationship where we still really care about the person and want to keep some sort of ties. And the other explanation….that’s when one person wants all the good stuff but none of the obligations, labels or commitment of a full-fledged relationship.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that relationships are hard. Finding them, keeping them, staying in them, not wanting to end them, and not wanting to kill the other person involved. I’m amazed how anyone gets together, no less stays together these days – and not at all surprised by the 50% divorce rate. Now take a person out of a bad relationship, they’re cautious, they’ve been burned, they pray they won’t make the same mistakes again. So does the subsequent love interest get a learned man/woman or damaged goods? 


This brings me to another interesting thought….how much should you reveal to your current love about your ex-love? How much do you really want to know (and are prepared to know about) an ugly relationship gone south? All I know is every story has two sides, but surely you are only going to hear the version that undoubtedly blames the ex-monster, villain or she-devil. So if she was a controlling shrew or he verbally assaulted his ex, what’s the chance those behaviors are set to repeat themselves at some point down the road? How much do we really learn and how much do people actually change?

Getting back to the original topic, I suppose the conundrum only comes when one party wants something more than the other and the un-boyfriend situation is just not going to cut it any more. So until that point in time, labels are useless, and friendship, trust and respect are paramount. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for anyhow?

Friday, September 3, 2010

Departure - Part 1

(The following is a reprint of a post from the blog "My Life As A Serial Dater."  You can visit this blog to read parts 2 and 3.)

So, my final night in Houston did not turn out the way I had expected.  I was going to stay in.  My mom was going to drop me at the airport on the way to work.  I was going to get some sleep. But, that wouldn't really do the last day of summer justice, so fate took over and everything changed.  All the things that were 'supposed' to happen fell by the wayside, and as per usual, I did what I wanted.

The morning of my departure, I was doing my daily internet browse and an instant message popped up.   It was not as routine as the daily messages I normally got from him.  “Hey.  When do you leave?”  I explained that I was flying out at 6am.  “You have a ride to the airport?”  My mother was going to take me.  The questions peeked my curiosity.  He didn’t usually ask questions like this without a reason.

I thought about that.  “He didn’t usually...”  What did I know from what he usually did?  The statement was funny, because I had only met him once and yet we had talked online every day for the past 2 months.  Most of our conversations revolved around my sexual experiences with other people.  There was a definite interest in the blog, but I had first slept with him before the blog’s inception.  He and I actually first brainstormed the idea of a blog together, post-coitus.  In my brief moments of ‘knowing’ him, we had co-conspired on the birth of a blog, in which, I would talk about my sexual explorations.  Past that, we knew nothing of each other.

It only took a few lines in the chat for him to ask if I wanted to spend my last night with him and he would drop me at the airport.  I had actually thought about doing this with Lewis, but he hadn’t offered, so I didn’t broach the idea.  But, this offer was very tempting.  The only hang up was that this would be my third guy in 4 days and I was dead tired.  Meh.  Tired was just one detail of what I was and one monkey don’t stop the show.  So, ride pending, I was going to spend my last night in Houston with The Beautiful One.  God is good.  
I texted him saying I wasn’t coming, because I was too emotional about leaving.  He said he understood, but I should consider crying on his shoulder.  That was it.  I was going.  I said my goodbyes to my family and Lynn picked my up from my folk’s house.  He had agreed to pick me up from Lynn’s place at 10. 

Thursday, September 2, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 21

I have a strange hard-on for the ghetto girls.

Kool-Aid hair ...

Scoop nails ...

Embellished wardrobes ...

Gold grills (bottom row only) ...

See?  I think I like the hood chicks because they're "of the earth," as some old folks say.  I often find women I went to college with to be overly concerned with being this or being that.  Hood chicks just are what they are -- and fuck you!

Maybe it's the attitude.  Not all of them are shrewish but it helps.  Or maybe it's the fact that they'll wear a tit-exposing J-Woww shirt to work no matter what the job is.

And those cheap shoes.  I'm a foot man and, by implication, a shoe man.  I've seen a woman in brand-new Choos that didn't come close to rocking my world like the ghetto bird rocking a pair of gold spray-painted heels from Omar's Shoe Outlet at the mall.

It's a guilty pleasure... but then again so are all my pleasures.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

"What are You Thinking About?"

Sometimes the answer is a mash-up, like...

Did I lock my car doors?
Will I be successful?
That thing I forgot to do.
Drink more water.

Thing is, you don't really want to know what a man is thinking about, and he doesn't want to tell you because sometimes he's not even sure what the hell he's thinking about.

Men don't think so much as reflect; it's a party of one.  Don't go by our faces.  The deeper we go into our own thoughts the more our face drops.  We look like zombies but I promise it isn't the end of the world -- unless you push it.

To this day I'll even have one-night stands ask me what I'm thinking about.  I just said had sex, I want to say; with the goal achieved I don't have to think about anything right now.  Or I could be thinking about how to get rid of you with the least amount of discomfort (for me).

It occurs to me that women -- and this part is strange -- seem to be into attempting to read minds or expecting to have their minds read.  Men don't do that.  We'll ask you if something's on your mind once.  After that we just wait for you to say what's on your mind, then decide if we think it's bullshit or not.