An Old Baseball Adage...

"Have a seat, son.  Don't make me judo chop that ass."

...says that it's better to cut a player a year too early than a year too late.

I know: there's still hope that he could improve or that he'll change back into the man you fell in love with-- but who are we kidding?  He's quite alright with himself the way he is.  Meanwhile, you keep getting older, fatter, and saggier as you continue to invest in the male relationship equivalent of Bernie Madoff.

Alexander the Great, while on his "world domination" tour, tried to untie the Gordian Knot, a feat never before accomplished; frustrated at not being able to untie it, he simply pulled out his sword and hacked the knot until it unraveled before walking away.  [Look at your man... now back to this paragraph... now back at your man... now back to this paragraph!!!]

Some sports teams opt for a quick, clean break from a player as opposed to letting them play themselves (and the team) out.  You should follow this course as well.  It's two or three years in and he's all he's ever going to be, and if that's not enough then it's time for you to exit... stage left, even!

So manage your love life like a front-office guru; if it's broke don't fix it-- cut it.

Questions & Manswers #3

"The first rule is of our relationship is, Shut up."

Questionnaire created with Formstack.  [Note: Answers (in italics) are presented exactly as they were received.]

What are qualities you find most attractive in a woman?
Eyes, Smile, Humor, Legs, Feet, Stomach, Ass, Boobs arent necessary

What annoys you most about women?
Their nagging, their emotional roller coasters

On a scale of one to ten, how honest are you with the women you date?
7 or so

What is your typical response to “What are you thinking?”
Nothing, you?

Would you cheat if you knew you wouldn’t get caught?
If I am driven to it

How important is a woman’s weight to you?  Would you mind if your girlfriend/wife gained a lot of weight after you two got together/married?
Not that important, but don't let it go and become morbibly obese.  Show me you want to get right, then do it

What are you looking for: marriage and kids, just marriage, a live-in girlfriend situation (relationship), friends with benefits, dating with sex being the ultimate goal, or just straight Internet hook-up sex?
Eventually married with children, but in no rush

Do you see marriage as a benefit?  How so?
Not for a man.  Marriage seems to be a competition between women.

What do you think motivates women: love, money, security, children, “the show” of getting married, etc.?
The show of getting married

Is there anything else you’d like women to know about you and men in general?
When a man asks for your opinion, please give it or be ready for whatever you recieve.  e.g. "Babe what do you want for dinner?"  She says, "I don't care, you choose."  He says, "Alright lets go to Red Lobster."  She says, "Ewww no, I don't want fish, how about Chili's." If you wanted Chili's then just say that when we ask.  Once you throw the ball back in our court, you are now susceptable to our decision. That is all.

On Scalawags

"Tit"illation

 Men love scalawags for the same reason landscapers love immigrant laborers: they put in heavy work for minimum compensation, don't talk too much, and know when to clock out and go home.

These "scandalous whores" you decent women vilify aren't so unlike you.  They too see the greatness and future potential in your man and wish to make love to a true comer (no pun intended).  They too wish to be smiled upon, caressed... savored like a Death Row cigarette.

Scalawags, to be sure, are the scavenging birds of the female gender.  They wait until your relationship becomes sick or lame and begin circling.  (Vultures have been known to feast on animals before they're even stone dead!)

For the man in need of "new shoes" or some strange ass on the side, the scalawag is the salt of the earth-- tech support with tits.  The list of things you'd have to do (most of them sexual) to insure against losing your man to one is so long and so debauched you might as well quit your job, light a St. Valentine candle and pray day and night that your man goes blind.

A New Questionnaire (via Wufoo.com)

(Answers to) Questions for Women 2

Questionnaire created with Formstack.  [Note: Answers (in italics) are presented exactly as they were received.]

Finish this sentence: My last relationship ended because…
it was based on sex and I left for school.

What do you think turns men off about you?
I'm not having sex until I'm married.

How much do movies and T.V. influence your attitudes about/toward relationships?
sadly about 60%

What kind of books do you read?
school books

If you could change one thing about men— adding or deleting— what would it be?
adding: honesty, deleting: honesty

Do you think it’s right to go into a man’s cell phone or access his e-mail or Facebook accounts?
No. You will not like what you find. 

Do women and images in music videos or magazines influence how you “present” yourself to men?
Yes and no. I try to look cute, but make sure my dress/skirt/shorts cover my ass.

What societal factors do you see influencing men’s behavior toward women?
Entertainment (music videos, movies, television) and women

If you found yourself single at age forty, would you still try to get married?
Not sure.  Depends on how many wrinkles I have. 

Where do you see yourself, relationship-wise, in five years?
Probably single.  I want to travel and two plane tickets is expensive.

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 2

What a 48 year old bachelor looks like.

I am single.  I choose to be single.  And I want to remain single for as long as I can.  I don't mean until I'm in my thirties with a stable career and a receding hairline, or until love comes and knocks me down.  I mean that the only way I'll get married, if at all, is if the administrators at the nursing home tell me I have to "choose one and go sit down somewhere."

Some women hear my opinions and observations and say, "Geez, no wonder you're single!  What women would want you when you think like that?"  Answer: a lot of them.  If I wanted a girlfriend I would go get a girlfriend.  Women are plentiful, almost always receptive to relationships, and long-suffering in their capacity to put up with utter bullshit.  If I just wanted to check *in a relationship* on my Facebook profile all I'd have to do is grab some chick and say, "I've never felt this way about anybody;" she may not be an eight, nine or ten, but quality wasn't part of the question, was it?

Older people tell me I'll wear down eventually, that this is something that just happens.  That's as depressing as the thought of lifelong matrimony!  Who's to say that I can't be the next (black) George Clooney as I hit the half-century mark?  Who's to say that, provided I take care of myself, I can't go on enjoying women of all ages, races, nationalities, and types of crazy?

I ended my last official relationship in 2004.  Since then I've had a few deep "entanglements" which never panned out, mostly because I wasn't trying.  I was raised an only child and I've preferred my own company to that of others for almost 27 years now (although most people know me as an extrovert).  I can go to the movies alone, eat all my meals alone, go out to night spots alone-- and sleep alone.  I hear many women say they're fine being single, but behind their voices a true loner like myself can detect the quiet desperation of a person who wakes up in cold sweats at the thought of growing old as a party of one.

"I am alone... but I'm not lonely," said Robert DeNiro in the movie Heat.  And why get married anyway?  For a man it's nuts.  I can always get myself a live-in girlfriend, play that out for several years, then offer her the door when she issues a BuyNow! ultimatum-- keeping my money, my place, and my dignity.  And there are so many women in the world!  I feel it's my job to be curious, and you can't do that with shackles on.  Not everyone, male or female, is built for a single life marathon, but it's what I desire.  So if you meet me and start to like me just know that I'm already engaged... to me.

[Postscript: I've always said that on a long enough timeline I'd consider trying marriage out once or twice, but I'd have to be Larry King rich first.]

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Minute Madness: Call for Entries (Video)