Of Dos and Don'ts

When discussing the search for a mate or even someone to "hang out with" (a polite euphemism for sex), a woman will often speak of men in terms of dos-- things a man should do, or be. Example: He should take me out to nice places. --or-- He should be at a certain level professionally.

When discussing what a woman is willing to do to attract a man of dos she will turn her vocabulary, switching to that all-time negative, I don't. Example: I don't do oral.

If you insist on using this inverted math past age 30, it'll only add up to one thing: You being sporadically coupled yet ultimately single... for life.

If You're Not in a Movie, Your Sex Doesn't Need a Sountrack

Women typically like to have music played while they have sex. Sometimes it’s because they don’t want anyone else (like their or the guy’s roommates) to hear the sound of their rutting. But more often than not it’s because women, as in all dealings with the opposite sex, require an “experience.”

Nothing puts a women “in the mood” like mood music, and to be sure music does create a certain type of atmosphere. When a woman is being plowed to Maxwell’s cover of “This Woman’s Work” mere casual sex becomes spiritual lovemaking.

Problem is, men sense this kind of prop as an attempt to attach more to the immediate act than is actually there. If a man chooses to play music while boning then it’s usually something that he can set his rhythm to (strippers, too), such as Ludacris’s “Pussy Poppin’” or Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch.” A slow jam a la Robin Thicke set on repeat might make you feel like a lady but it will make him feel like the supporting character in someone else’s erotic story.

Advice? Skip the music. If an orgasm is your aim, the man on top of you should be screwing to the sound of a metronome, if anything.

Women are Like Cars (to Men)

Ladies, think of yourselves as a single car, on the lot of a single car dealership-- anywhere in the world.

A man who’s been browsing the lot sets his eyes on you… likes what he sees… approaches you. He gives you a once over and asks the salesman about you. He hears good things but more than that he’s blown away by how good you look-- and how good he’d feel being inside you. He asks for a test drive; permission granted!

The man takes you out for a spin. He falls in love with the beauty, the power, the design. You’re not so good on gas mileage and maintenance is a bitch, but what the hell? Your smell is intoxicating and the purr you make is music to his ears. He’s inclined to buy, definitely.

Back to the lot for a purchase then, yes?

Not quite. As he gets out of the car, the smell leaves his nose and he no longer hears the purr. His eyes are wandering, toward a car nearby. She’s different from you, maybe a bit bigger (roomier), maybe not as sleek, and her color is not to his liking at all. But… he hasn’t driven her yet. Curiosity is killing him. As he approaches this car he sees other cars he’d like to test out. Then it dawns on him: “I don’t have to settle on one car just yet; I can test drive every car on the lot, on every lot I care to visit.”

This should stop you wondering why a man wanders even if he considers you a good catch. Buying a car is expensive, and he’s not done test driving. Truth told, he might never be. The world is full of cars.

Your List is Bunk

You know that list you have with all the things a man should be or have in order to get with you? The one you’ve been cultivating since middle school? The one that gets lighter by about three or four items each year?

Yeah… ball that shit up and throw it in the garbage.

Lists are for Santa Claus and Steven Spielberg films. It’s too bad you can’t marry your list, because you’ll never find a man you really like who crosses off all items. “But my list isn’t long,” you say. “I just want a man who’s cute and/or financially strong and/or has a house and/or is funny and witty and sensitive but not a punk and/or can defend me in a fight and/or wants marriage and kids and/or shares my religious and political beliefs and (no ‘or’) loves me for me, imperfections and all."

Repeat: You'll never find a man you really like who crosses off all items.

FYI, men keep lists too. Lists of women who keep lists. They circulate their lists among each other so that every man knows: This woman is not to be taken seriously.

The Fox in the Henhouse

There is a type of man out there who revels in cutting a swath through your little Sex and the City clique of girlfriends. If you’re talking to a guy at the club, really vibing with him, feeling that “chemistry” you women so crave, remember that he’s not only sizing you up but your friends as well.

Even if he’s into you right now he’s paying attention to your homegirl with the slutty outfit who’s been wasted since ten and almost kidnapped twice. If it doesn’t work out with you, he can switch to her. If it does work out with you, he can still get at her depending on how he works it. And if what you two begin escalates to a relationship, he knows whose shoulder to cry on if you become a problem.

Also, we know that women (especially within minorities) feel they can’t find any decent men, so if we seem to be the perfect partner for you then it’s certain at least one of your friends will notice all too well.

"If you try to get at my friend," you assume, "she’ll realize you’re a dick, reject you, and run to tell me."

Will she? Will she?

Booty Call FAIL

If a man hits you with a booty call but then abruptly hits you again shortly thereafter to cancel, there are two likely reasons for this.

He initiated a BCB (booty call blast): he sent a stock message out to multiple women at the same time; the ones who answer are then engaged simultaneously, weeding out those who are indisposed, unwilling to accommodate, moronically inquisitive (e.g. “Why are you calling me so late at night?”), or those seeking emotional compensation; if more than one chick is down, the “winner” is determined by a points system (hotness, freakiness, proximity, chattiness, culinary skills, odor [you heard me], sense of humor, etc.) – Needless to say, you may not be the last booty call standing.

He called “Palmela” off the bench instead: sometimes a man will masturbate before a booty call arrives, either to calm his urges or to last longer during actual coitus; problem is, the refractory period kicks in and he no longer desires sex; in this moment of clarity he realizes how much hassle having sex with you would be—idle talk, foreplay, cunnilingus, sexual exertion, post-coital chat, getting rid of you—and decides it’s not worth it.

What can you do? Shower and get over to his place ASAP… if you want the business, that is.

hes jus not that n2 u

If a man texts you all or almost all the time, he doesn’t find you all that interesting outside the bedroom. Text messages don’t allow for long-windedness. A text is, by its very essence, short and to the point. (Note: If your text is long and has to be sent in multiple messages, for him that’s an automatic FAIL.) Men use texting because we’re all about info relay-- what is necessary for us to make our point. The point for the average man is sex and he doesn’t want to hear about your day in order to get to that. Texts simplify.
[What r u doin?]
[Bored. U?]
[Can I cum over?] (This is the text equivalent of a double-entendre.)