Discipline means more to me now than it ever has. I go to the gym, regularly. I eat better than I ever have. I don't drink often and when I do, I do it in moderation ('cept that one recent occurrence ... apologies to The Good Date.) I have my priorities and goals and I have created a lifestyle that hopes to lead me to those goals.
The one area of my life in which I have lost all grasps on discipline is my sex life. In the past couple of months, I have indulged when, where and with whomever I chose. I have fulfilled fantasies for myself and for my partners. I have had amazing sex. I have had good sex. I have had mediocre sex. I have had bad sex. I have had sex that made me feel great and sex that left me confused.
The summer was different. I had a few partners and I saw them over and over again. I didn't bounce nearly as much as I do now. I haven't had sex with even close to all of the people with which I went on dates. But, since getting back to New England, I have gone on dates with almost 20 men. Yeah ... I've been doing some dating. Like I said, I haven't knocked it outta the park with many of them. However, there have been more than were worth it.
I had the great and okay experiences that I chose to write about. And I have had some not so great experiences. Some I didn't even choose to write about or explore with you guys. There was the situation with the guy that drove all the way from Boston, just to sleep for three hours, wake up, pace in my room for another 30 minutes, then tell me he was going to lose his job if he stayed. He said he had been written up the week before and had to go. I was not sorry to see him leave. The whole experience was odd, odd, odd. I did not have sex of any sort or kiss this guy.
I have been talking to and twice chilled with a guy that goes to a neighboring college. He's close to my age and cute. He's a smart guy and we joke and flirt well. I did have sex with this guy. We were half asleep and it was probably not his best showing, as he was tired. But he's cute and he has a comfortable and attractive body. His personality is warm and I enjoy his company. We might get to give it another try in the sack. We'll see.
Other than that, I have just had some duds. My sexual exploration can really only be met and fulfilled with partners that are willing to put in work. Marlon, The Player and The Powerful One were all good partners. Then I have situations like I had last night. The situation last night was really different. I went on a date with a guy that was very sweet, however, he was not my type at all. I have a big personality and this guy did not. He was shy and quiet. Sparking conversation was difficult at best. And yet, I decided that I wanted to have sex with him.
I had some drinks in me. This is never a good idea. I have mentioned before that I hate drunk sex. Sex is supposed to be fun and active. When drunk, it defeats itself. So, that is what I got last night. I got drunk sex with a guy that didn't peak my interest at all. When I woke this morning and ushered him out of my bed, I decided that it is most definitely time to pump the brakes. I will be withdrawing some troops asap. I am only keeping 3 currents. I won't be texting, or seeing or sleeping with anyone else.
I will keep talking to the guy from the nearby school (he might eventually earn a title.) I will keep talking to The Good Dater, because he has become a sort of a staple in my life now. And, I will consider seeing Marlon again. I am very doubtful that will happen, but again, we'll see. I liked him a lot, but I am fickle and I don't see that we will be seeing each other again soon, so I foresee losing my interest quickly. We are both dating other people and anything we shared was surface, so I am sure it will not be able to withstand what time and distance do to interest.
So, my sex life is about to join my eating habits and workout routines. It is about to become a disciplined part of my life. I want to grow sexually and I want to enjoy my body. In order to do that, I need to create greater boundaries. I will still give in to my urges, but I won't have sex like I did last night. I don't even know what I was going for, but I know it wasn't in a healthy place. I didn't have sex for love or strong sexual urges. And, since no other needs can be met through sex, I need to take a step back and make sure that the loneliness of these cold New England winters doesn't lead me to a place where I am having sex to fulfill things that sex can't fulfill. This has been a self-check kinda day. Now, it's time to move forward.
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