He Won't Say No (Unless You're Ugly)

"As your girlfriend, I'll find a way to moisturize these rough-ass hands."

If you like him just walk up to him and introduce yourself.  Afraid of rejection?  If you look like a Decepticon in the face then it very well could be a FAIL ("mirror, mirror..." that shit right fast).  But if you're at least a seven or higher it's likely he's already noticed you.

So why doesn't he step to you?

We know that you get hit on all day, every day by the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This stiffens your face and body language, making you appear closed off.  You may be fine as hell but we don't want to catch an eye-roll for being the umpteenth guy today who asked, "What's your name?"

Just smile, play with your hair and be brief with it, for Christ's sake!  Tell him that you're attracted to him-- in your own way-- and leave him your phone number.  He will take it.  This effectively puts the ball in his court and frees you from the "What if... ?" that'll hit you when you're watching DVR'ed episodes of Grey's Anatomy-- alone.

Afraid you'll seem desperate?  To hell with that.  You're always saying that you're the type of woman who knows what she wants and has no qualms about asking for it.  Here's a chance to prove it.

[Postscript: If he doesn't call then it's his loss, right?  I mean that's what you've always lead men to believe.  Make sure you believe it, too.]

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 3

A portrait... in boxer briefs... with the camera in the pic (corny!)

I love to work out.  For me the gym is a temple, a place where I go to tune out the rest of the world while I throw up weights for an hour or so (and watch SportsCenter).

I know a lot of dudes go to the gym to hit on women, but not me.  I'm not saying I don't look.  There's nothing like a round bubble butt climbing up the StairMaster to help you push through those last two reps; however, the gym's not a place where I like to fish for trout.

I've been asked by women in the gym why I work out so hard and the answer's simple: I want to look good naked.  Imagine how much harder it would be to accomplish that if I had to worry about entering the gym and being confronted by someone I'd put the screws to and then never called again.

I will admit, though, that the gym is one of the few places where a woman can convince me to try something new.  It was a woman who got me on the elliptical machine and I have to say I'm grateful.  It's easier on my knees and good for loosening up stiffness in my back and hamstrings on days when I do squats and deadlifts.  It was also a woman who turned me on to yoga which has helped with my breathing while lifting and kept me from tightening up after workouts (I purposely try not to walk like Debo from Friday)-- again, grateful.

I only have two beefs with women in the gym:

1) It's not a fashion show.  I'm not saying you have to dress like the bag lady but keep in mind that the gym is where you go to get grimy with it .  Trying to be too cute and pretty-- why do you have perfume on?-- not only makes you seem fake but attracts greasy meatheads who still rock Zubaz pants.

2) Do work out.  This is another reason why I leave women in the gym alone-- they need to be focused too.  Whether you want a body that's petite, muscled (Angela Bassett), or tight and toned for your size, you need to take advantage of everything such facilities have to offer: cardio machines, yoga and spin classes, and the free weights.

[Postscript: I hear a lot of women say they avoid free weights because they fear looking like the She-Hulk.  Chill out.  Men get big and hard fast (no giggling!) because we have an abundance of testosterone, the hormone you need to get that way.  You women have it as well... but in such small amounts that it's neglible.  So stop with the excuses and pick up a goddamn weight!]

2 + 1 = ?

"Excuse me, ladies... would you like a hot dog for those buns?"

"What's up with men and girl-on-girl, or wanting to bring another girl into the bedroom?"

Variety, is what.  Keeping in mind what I've said about "new shoes," men desire something different than... well, you every night.  Sometimes this takes the form of another woman.

Within relationships, pressing for a threesome can be a man's way of testing your commitment to satisfying him sexually.  Women talk a lot about spicing things up sexually with their men, but lackluster stripping in the living room and unflattering lingerie (if you're not hot naked you won't get much hotter with a teddy on) don't really get it.  If you're willing to explore your bi-curious side-- even against your own inhibitions-- then he'll see it as a sign that anything goes.

Girl-on-girl provides visual creatures such as men with the equivalent of a double-scoop ice cream cone placed in a child's hands; the kid might not know where to start-- or how he'll finish-- but he's down to try, dammit!  To be sure, some men would rather watch two women having sex than to actually participate.

"If I agree to join in a threesome, how will this affect the way my man sees me?"

If he never valued you in the first place, it'll make him view you as just a powered screwdriver for which he's acquired another interchangeable bit.  If he does value you then you shouldn't worry about whether this knocks you out of the running for wife status.  This might actually put him more at ease with spending the rest of his life with you (again, if he truly values you).

If your man brings up or proposes a MFF scenario, ask him to explain why it's so important to him that he's willing to expose your relationship to third-party interference.  If he can't muster more than a six-word argument-- "'Cause that shit's freaky as hell!"-- tell him to work off that extra energy at the gym while he listens to Usher's "Little Freak."

Questions & Manswers #4

Questionnaire created with Formstack.  [Note: Answers (in italics) are presented exactly as they were received.]

What are qualities you find most attractive in a woman?
...soft brown skin, receptiveness, sense of humor, her form, and her intelligence quotient

What annoys you most about women?
...dishonesty...

On a scale of one to ten, how honest are you with the women you date?
9

What is your typical response to “What are you thinking?”
...a lot...

Would you cheat if you knew you wouldn’t get caught?
No

How important is a woman’s weight to you?  Would you mind if your girlfriend/wife gained a lot of weight after you two got together/married?
Not really. However, her health is certainly a concern of mine. I also have to consider her form.

What are you looking for: marriage and kids, just marriage, a live-in girlfriend situation (relationship), friends with benefits, dating with sex being the ultimate goal, or just straight Internet hook-up sex?
...just marriage...

Do you see marriage as a benefit?  How so?
Yes. If you marry correctly, your wife will be the key to your next level of success..

What do you think motivates women: love, money, security, children, “the show” of getting married, etc.?
...security...

... But Will He Buy the Cow?

100% Cambodian

You knew it was a FAIL when you agreed to it, but he was hot and you were enthralled (horny)... and maybe the rest of that stuff-- love, marriage, the baby carriage-- would come later, right?

Not so much.

Your first mistake was thinking that he could resist the proposition: an endless supply of sub-tropical freaky without all the messiness of feelings and obligations.  A man knows in the back of his mind that you'll eventually either want more or want to move on.  He's just hoping it doesn't all go down in teary-eyed, crying-out-loud, horrible Twitter-ranting flames-- but this is after he's had an orgasm.

Your grandmother knew what she was talking about.  Few men will buy the cow when the milk's been free and plentiful (and those few wear a Scarlet S, for "sucker").

Doesn't mean he sees you only as a walking repository.  Men often do form emotional attachments to their BFFs (Best Fucking Friend), but for a man it's almost a matter of principle; "no strings attached" is what was originally agreed upon... nothing more.

Friends with benefits should never be viewed as a temp-to-hire situation.  It's not about him respecting you or wanting something more out of life.  With these types of arrangements you leave the way you came (no pun intended).

Burning Question: Are Men Intimidated by "Independent" Women?

"What are You Thinking?"

"How much longer do we have to cuddle before I can turn the TV on?"

He's thinking...

"I hope she doesn't ask what I'm thinking."

Stop trying to read that blank stare on his face; he isn't thinking about shit.  If he is then it's a medley of images, sounds, past and present events, that song he hates but can't get out of there, and why he keeps burping up hamburger from two days ago.

Here's what you need to know: He's more than likely not thinking about anything that has to do with you.  Yeah, I know you two just got through screwing but... no.

We zone out-- that's it.  Let a grown man get a quiet moment and he'll disappear into it like another dimension, freeing himself of outside stimuli and perhaps regressing to a time in his life when he was stinky, happy and easily placated by shiny, moving objects (yesterday).

This is especially true just after sex when most of what's occupied his thoughts has been flushed out in a ten-second Hallelujah! of ecstasy.  (Note: If it was a casual roll, then he might be thinking "How do I escape?" unless he's already got it planned out.)

So before you ask what he's thinking, consider substituting another vital question: "When's the last time you had something to eat?"