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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Casual Sex

(The following is a reprint of a post on the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

Turns out, I am not a serial dater. I know. Upon realizing, I was just as surprised as you are now.  The fact of the matter is, I chose the name and just ran with it. I mean, it is what I am doing. But, I am really just on a mission to find out all I can about me. Serial dating will not be a permanent lifestyle. It's not who or what I am.  I didn't start dating again to try to reach a certain number.  I didn't start it trying to bed as many men as possible.  I just wanted to get to know myself. I wanted to get to know my likes and dislikes.

Originally, I saw this as a challenge to see what I enjoyed from different partners and to explore my sexuality that way.  I think knowing yourself sexually is important. Knowing your likes and dislikes will help you to know yourself fully. The thing is, getting to know myself sexually didn't come with a laundry list of sex partners. It came with putting real thought into what I was doing and how I felt about it.

Some sex is deeper than other sex, but there is no "casual" sex for me.  Regardless of how I feel about the other person, there is always an emotional process involved. I always feel different after sex with different people. Sometimes, I regret it. Sometimes, I enjoy it, but I don't particularly want to be with that person again. Sometimes, I love it and I want to be with the person again, but I don't get what I want. Some things vary.  But, one thing that remains constant is me.

In the days following sex, I am always in a different place.  I have to reflect.  I have to think and acknowledge how I feel. Sex can't just be empty. It does something to me. Some sexual experiences are more profound than others, but they all have some sort of impact.

If I have sex with someone while I am drunk, I usually regret it. It's just the way it is. It was still totally my decision to do so, but the fact of the matter is, and this is going to be shocking ... I make bad decisions when I am drunk. And I think they are genius. So, I try to do 2 things.  I try to refrain from getting too drunk and I try not to have sex when drunk.  Because, unless I am aware that I want to have sex with a person before I get drunk, it usually winds up being someone with which I would not have otherwise shared the time.

If a sexual experience is really good, I usually have to take a day or two to sort out my real feelings. I have said a thousand times before, I get confused after sex.  If it's really good, I think I am in love. Not really, but if I am not careful, or I don't take some time to simmer down and think it through, my emotions get a little tangled.

So, I think that I have come to realize that every sexual experience with a new partner is different. It's only when you start having steady partners that you get to relax a bit and just go with it. While having multiple partners can be great for sexual exploration and a better understanding of how I personally deal with sex, I think it is important to remember that sex (for me) can never be casual. I don't have to be in love, but it's an important act, nonetheless, and it can have an impact.  For me, it almost always does.

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