A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 12

"Dad, I need your lighter.  I'm jammin' 'Freebird!'"

I'm very eclectic with my music, as any of my "friends" who haven't hidden me on their Facebook news feeds can attest to.  One minute I'll post a link to Usher's "OMG" and the next a link to Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven."  I can backdoor Otis Redding's "Love Man" with "Blitzkrieg Pop" by The Ramones.

Back before mp3s were the shit, my friends used to asked to borrow my mix CDs because they heard one song on it that sucked them in-- like "I Keep Forgetting" by Michael MacDonald-- only to return it the next day because the playlist was so random they couldn't get into it (the "Battle Scene" score from Gladiator was on that same CD).

I've mentioned in the past that playing music during sex is corny and in many ways diminishes the primal ecstasy of the experience.  On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with playing music beforehand, especially in the car as you take ______ around the Wendy's drive-thru.  My favorite get her in the mood jams:

"Voyage to Atlantis" by The Isley Brothers
"These Arms of Mine" by Otis Redding
"At Your Best (You Are Love)" by Aaliyah
"Superstar" by Usher
"I'm So Deep" by Ready for the World
"Scandalous" by Prince
"Take You Down" by Chris Brown

...and many more.  It did just occur to me that all those songs are by R&B crooners, but hey... you know what it is.

(Answers to) Unisex Survey #5

Imagine that you're forced to be the opposite sex for a year. What would you do in that time?	Get fucked so hard
Who or what do you think about when you masturbate?	A big penis filling my insides
Have you ever dated someone you later suspected was a sociopath? If so, explain.	No
The best and worst date movies are...	The Wiz
If you could exist inside someone else's body like an Avatar, who would it be?	Lorenze Tate
What is your worst relationship quality?	Selfishness

Don't Have His Baby!

No matter what he says (when you're fucking) he's not interested in raising a child.

I consider the movie Baby Boy not be not only a hood classic but a film with many messages.  The one that stuck with me when I first saw it back in 2001: "You gotta stop tellin' these girls you want them to have your baby while y'all are doin' it, 'cause they be believin' your lyin' ass."

Check.

Truth be told, I've done whole I could see us having a kid together thing with a woman before, but in retrospect it might have ruined both our ambitions and shackled us to one another for longer than we'd have liked.

You have to stick to the birth control.  Any unplanned pregnancy will always be your fault in the man's eyes, and any statements he ever made that would have led you to believe such a thing would be cool will now be null and void.  A child is not a connecting car to link your heart to his; it's a living thing.  Besides, even if the guy sticks around you might end up taking care of two babies.

So, save the baby what if? talk for your future husband.

Down with Romance!

Because we don't have the time or the energy.

There will be those women who'll read this and conclude that we've gotten lazy, lame or some combination of the two.  Never mind that we're busier than we've ever been-- both sexes, mind you-- and that everything, even love, is being downsized in a slow economy.

CBS Sunday Morning News said that even French men are losing their sense of romance.  One woman interviewed said that modern French men are "cowards" when it comes to dating-- guess they're not so different from American women who like to sit around waiting for love to manifest itself.

Look, all that romance shit from the past is pure nostalgia.  Your grandmother had less rights, less education and had only bullshit activities like being on the county fair committee to keep her sanity-- and your grandfather probably still cheated and drank more than she could stand.  How's that for "golden"?

I'm not saying that all is lost, just that you women need to quit with the "romance is dead" refrain.  I still need historical proof that it actually lived, one hundred percent pure... uncorrupted.  Otherwise we're not going to Nobu.  It's Redbox and Chinese food and then later the best sex you've ever had (with me)!

(Answers to) Unisex Survey #4

Imagine that you're forced to be the opposite sex for a year. What would you do in that time?	Have a lot of sex with alot of different people
Who or what do you think about when you masturbate?	Usual the most current movie I have seen, or my favorite porn star
Have you ever dated someone you later suspected was a sociopath? If so, explain.	No, I haven't dated much
The best and worst date movies are...	Best: Comedies or Action Worst: Supense
If you could exist inside someone else's body like an Avatar, who would it be?	beyonce
What is your worst relationship quality?	I need too much validation from my partner

Men Love... The One Season Stand

I've said it before.  In the realm of relationships, men prefer month-to-month.

Seasonal love affairs are great, mainly because seasons end.  But it's more than that... to men anyway (and many women).  Remember summer camp (or scholars camp for us extra nerdy folk)?  You went there, you met somebody, you two fell madly in like and there was genuine romance.  Why didn't it go on forever?  Back to school, of course.

Seasons have a clear start and finish that don't require awkwardness to bring things to their natural conclusion.  As the leaves turn colors and the days get shorter, the text messages wane and the booty calls become infrequent.  The love affair isn't dying; it's merely ending.

One season stands are good for women as well.  How so, you ask?

Well, according to the great Negro philosopher Chris Rock a woman will never tell a man how many other men she's really had sex with-- just how many boyfriends she's had.  Miscellaneous dick-- the kind you get over, say, an unnaturally long winter-- can satisfy your needs without necessarily adding to your "body count."

Summer officially started this week.  No season like the present.

(Answers to) Unisex Survey #3

Imagine that you're forced to be the opposite sex for a year. What would you do in that time?	honestly...i would beat it...and prolly try help educate some men on the craziness that women can become :)
Who or what do you think about when you masturbate?	Guys I think are hot, different positions/scenarios
Have you ever dated someone you later suspected was a sociopath? If so, explain.	yes...it was a learning experience
The best and worst date movies are...	Best: anything funny (Friday movies are good) or action (Boondock Saints - the first one) Worst: anything sappy or emotional, or anything with too deep of issues (those topics can come up later)
If you could exist inside someone else's body like an Avatar, who would it be?	Hayden Panettiere - The chick from heroes
What is your worst relationship quality?	I'm too go with the flow, and give up a lot of things to please the other person

The Option

"Naw... think I'll pass."

"Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option."

Heard that before?  I have... every other day on Facebook.  It's usually about women referring to men who don't call when they should!!!

I see women encouraging one another to kick that evil man to curb lest he crush your tender and valid feelings.  GET OVER YOURSELVES.  As I've said before, the first mistake I see many women making is assuming that you should be a priority in so-and-so's life.  And if he does have a life, he'll be out living it-- not worrying about checking in.

Granted, I'll agree that if a man is really into you, he'll make time to communicate-- phone call, text message, e-mail, Facebook inbox, radio dedication, flipping pigeons, etc.-- but you have to divine whether you're important enough to him for all that.  If not then move on, and don't blame the man.

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 11

I think I may be suffering from BWGF (Black Women's Grievances Fatigue).

I hear about more problems regarding dating and relationships from black women than from any other group.  They keep spinning their wheels, talking about the same shit and giving black men the side eye-- because the majority of them won't date outside their race-- in a futile attempt to "solve" the problem of why they can't all be married up with kids and an SUV and a house in a gated community.

Don't ask me.  I mean, I know some of the reasons but...

As a black man and the subject of many of these discussions, I have to say that I'm more amused than anything at this point.  It used to get on my nerves, I'll admit.  I'm 27 years old, single, educated, employed, in great shape, never been arrested (guess I have to include that as a black man), no children (guess I also have to include that) and I have ambitions to be one of the greatest of all time (Kobe!!!).

But I'm actually a lot like those more "triflin'" brothers out there.  I just don't see a reason to give black women what they want, because what they want-- long term, anyway-- doesn't interest me.  Doesn't make me an asshole (I don't think); I'm just tired of hearing about what black women need.

Y'know, they now have those life-size sex dolls you can build for $3,000; I hear they even come with an assortment of penises.  Maybe that's something worth checking out, yes?

You Think You're Wifey Material, But You're Not

You're beautiful, smart, funny, ambitious, forward thinking, good in the kitchen, good with a Blackberry, etc.  So that should make you automatic "wifey material," right?

WRONG.

I had one female friend exclaim on Facebook this past weekend that she was the kind of girl guys wifed, while others were merely appetizers.  I glanced over this-- as I often do grandiose FB statuses-- but thought about it again after attending the belated wedding reception of another female friend (more like a sister).

The DJ who was a mutual friend reminded us that for as long as we'd all known her, she'd always been smiling, always been supportive and a shoulder to cry on, and never judged before hearing the facts-- she was genuine wifey material.

I think many women assume that because they went to college or because they're not sexually promiscuous that automatically qualifies them... but it doesn't.  Being "wifey" isn't just about the absence of faults but the presence of virtues.  Are you someone who can swallow her pride in an argument?  Are you someone who can help a man improve without belittling him?  Are you someone who can curb her selfishness and sacrifice for a relationship, after "The Show" and the gifts and that new marriage smell are a distant memory?

Any silly girl can claim the title, but only a "wifey" can show and prove.

(Answers to) Unisex Survey #2

Imagine that you're forced to be the opposite sex for a year. What would you do in that time?	I would get all the women to better understand men and how they think. Hopefully it will work, because they sure as hell don't listen to men.
Who or what do you think about when you masturbate?	I usually envision a girl I wanna do it with. I think of situations, and will watch a porn that has an actress that is similar to them.
Have you ever dated someone you later suspected was a sociopath? If so, explain.	Possibly, I think they had some traits that could surely lead them down that path.
The best and worst date movies are...	The best are gonna be action or comedies. They lighten the mood and keep it energetic. Dramas or Michael Moore documentaries probably aren't your best bet. Too many emotions and opinions come about.
If you could exist inside someone else's body like an Avatar, who would it be?	That soccer cat Ronaldo or Beckham. Then I'd go live that life.
What is your worst relationship quality?	I think what bites me in the ass is that I will do or say what will make my girl happy without taking my full wants or needs into consideration.

When to Give it Up

So I've been asked, "When is it okay to have sex with a guy without him thinking you're easy or a slut?"

This one's actually quite simple, predicated on the self-esteem of the man before you.

If he thinks he's wack and you hump him off top, he'll assume that you always give it up to wanksters like him-- therefore, you're a nasty ho.

If, however, he thinks very highly of himself-- as I do-- then jumping into the sack with him right away only proves one thing: you've got excellent taste!  We were waiting on you like, "Duh!!!"

Now just to be clear, this has absolutely no bearing on relationship potential.  I've seen lasting bonds develop from what was supposed to be a one-night stand; I've also seen it when a girl made a guy wait forever for what was essentially...*yawn*

But if you're looking for a good time without shaving points off your rep, just remember that you are what you freak.  Choose wisely, then get at him!

(Answers to) Unisex Survey

Imagine that you're forced to be the opposite sex for a year. What would you do in that time?

Definitely test drive the walls inside a nice lady, diff sensation I bet! See how people treat me differently in society/work! Eat crazy things that I would normally avoid bc of my crazy metabolism and pump iron. Mentor some boys to be better men

Who or what do you think about when you masturbate?

I think about a guy that I've had a crush on making love to me the way I like it in the most Sensational way! LOL!!! He probably goes down on me and then penetrates! sigh, only a fantasy!

Have you ever dated someone you later suspected was a sociopath? If so, explain.

Well, I was trying to talk to an overly religious southern Baptist, who is still a virgin and a germophobe... does that count?! Hoping that he would know about how respect women more- FAIL.

The best and worst date movies are...

Best- romantic comedy that's good or action, something we could both relate to! Worst- drama where I start crying! :D Nothing too heavy

If you could exist inside someone else's body like an Avatar, who would it be?

Angelina Jolie! Humanitarian and a Sexually empowered woman- nice combo!

What is your worst relationship quality?

I am opinionated, so I may wanna change your ideology, which is sometimes a lost cause, but I still try!

A New Survey From New Shoes!

On Talking Shit

"Tish, please..."

Look... go away.

We already know that we didn't take out the garbage, that we didn't remember some important anniversary, that our socks don't quite match the outfit we're wearing to your friend's wedding.

Talking shit in its modern form didn't become common until the law, and social mores, caught up with a woman's need to express herself at full volume.

Before that, a man responded to a woman yelling the way he responded to any man-- with sure-handed conviction.

Now we'd go to jail for smacking you, so we have to let you get all the way up in our George Foreman.  You hem and haw and stomp around, pointing your finger and even muffing our heads.

This may get you your way short-term, but I guarantee you it will return to bite you in the ass.  Many men who cheat do so not so much for sex but for the reprieve that their time with the other woman gives them from the wrath of a shrewish girlfriend or wife.

And remember that there are men out there who still respond primitively to a woman mouthing off in excess, so just be ready.  A domestic violence arrest won't disappear that Hasim Rahman on your head.  Just saying...

(Answers to) A Simple Survey: Women #4

What is a real man?	- Takes care of himself - hell, he may even be of benefit to others - Someone you can rely on - Learns from past experiences and alters attitudes/behaviour accordingly - Takes responsibility for his words/actions - Can be reasoned with and is able to listen to and consider opposing arguments
What is a real man NOT?	- Someone who carries on with stuff he doesn't want to do - Makes promises he is unwilling or unable to keep - Uses lying as a normal part of communication

To the Sistas, About Slim Thug

Why are you even arguing over the "wisdom" of the Solomon Grundy of rap?

"It's not about Slim Thug," you say.  "It's about how his comments may influence other black men to hate black women and view us as the enemy.  We already have so many obstacles to overcome without being confronted by more brothas who think like him."

Yeah-- noted.

Understand, however, that only the weak-minded are easily influenced by the opinions of others, especially on core issues (religion, politics, where to get good barbecue, etc.).  Not to minimize hip-hop-- it helped raise me-- but modern rap is like musical wrestling; the lesser known MCs have to say and do grandiose things just to stay relevant between albums.

Slim Thug's opinion is, I'm sure, colored by his own personal history with women, and he's welcome to it, but he doesn't speak for all black men.  I'm not saying this to win points; he can't possibly speak for all black men-- so don't turn this into an epidemic of low gender regard just yet.

Think about it this way: do you really want any of the men who would be easily influenced by Slim Thug's words anyway?  So what if many black men out there might come to agree with him; those aren't the ones you want, right?  So skip the scarecrows-- and Thuggas-- find yourself a man with a brain.

A Quick Word on Breath

Don't worry about double standards here.  Women are far more hygenic than men (except for the rare metro).  And that's why...

THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR A WOMAN'S BREAK TO REEK.

Period.

Those little Colgate one-and-done toothbrushes with the toothpick handle?  Keep a few of those in your purse at all times... the way we still have troops stationed in Germany (in case the Hun ever return).

If it's something more serious than a shred of brisket stuck between back molars then I'm afraid it's doggystyle... all night.  It's not your fault you're suffering from a sinus infection, but it's not anyone else's either.

(Answers to) A Simple Survey: Women #3

What is a real man?	The ultimate provider, lover, supporter, and communicator. He needs to be strong with intellect and handsome too!
What is a real man NOT?	Emotional, soft, dependent, and passive

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 10

On loan from Ripley's Believe It or Not!

I like a big ass.  Not sure if it's because I'm a black man or what.  Don't really care.  I LIKE BIG BUTTS (no Mix-a-Lot jokes, please).

To be sure, when I say I like ass I'm referring to something like the picture to the left (don't care if it's real or fake; my wang doesn't know the difference).

There are a lot of women out there who think they have a big ass but when they turn sideways... not so much.  This usually means they have wide hips; that doesn't count with me.

A perfect onion is the thing, nothing short.  A lot of white girls, for example, will be rounded on top/flat on the bottom or round on the bottom/flat on the top.  Either way is playing with my emotions.

Ass dimples are actually quite okay with me.  I've watched so much porn and been to the strip club so many times that hail damage, to me, almost seems conventional.

Breasts, you ask?  Don't need them, really.  I mean, do have two nipples.  That's all most men focus on anyway.  (Ladies, when was the last time a man paid attention to your whole breast?)  Truth be told, a woman could resemble a prepubescent boy in the chest... so long as that donk is there!

"Are You a Unique Snowflake? Yes. Am I Interested? No."

I'm not sure who's to blame and I've touched on this before, but women seem to be under the impression that they deserve to be swept off their feet because... well, just because.  But many women have forgotten-- due to the fact that men do all the chasing-- how to be genuinely interesting.

For the record, your vagina doesn't make you interesting.  I know there are a lot of women out there who think they're interesting because a lot a men approach them, but I can assure you those men didn't detect your interestingness (is that a word?) from across the room.  Like most heterosexual men they're on the hunt for a mate, permanent or temporary, and their cues are all visual.  Men like to be wowed and entertained and impressed by women as well, but often it's us doing all the wowing, entertaining and impressing.

A man never gets away with putting "deserve" in a sentence (unless we're talking about an all-inclusive cable sports package), but women get away with saying they deserve this and deserve that-- with no real reason for why they deserve it other than "because I'm beautiful, intelligent, funny, supportive, non-judmental, good with kids, charitable, hard-working..."

Right... except you may not be all of those things you think you are.  Even if you're not you still think you're in line for the Prince Charming Ride at Magic Fantasy World.

I wrote this in response to a female reader who got pissed at a guy because he said, after they'd gone on some dates and screwed a few times, that he just didn't feel enough of a connection.  Harsh, I know, but if a woman did that-- didn't like the dates, didn't like the conversations, didn't like the penis-- we of the Sex and the City generation would applaud her for exercising her options.

That's all men want: the right to, without being labeled an asshole, exercise our right to not think you're a unique snowflake-- and act accordingly.

(Answers to) A Simple Survey: Women #2

What is a real man?	A God fearing man who strives to live a Christian life.
What is a real man NOT?	Think Spectacular in red thongs.

Computer Love?

DI-GI-TAL LOVE!!!

I know, I know... sketchy as hell.

But for all the fussing and cussing about how hard it is to find a decent man to date and all the rest, many of you have yet to take advantage of the same tool that helped you locate those recyclable flats you couldn't find at a store near you or remember so-and-so's birthday (thanks, FB!)-- the Internet.

I'm not sure of which sites are the most reliable-- from commercials I'd assume eHarmony or Match.com, but I don't use them so I won't recommend them-- but I will say that they represent a stone unturned by the majority of single women seeking a soulmate (or at least a generous date).

"Are you crazy?!?  Cyberspace is the new Whitechapel district [Jack the Ripper's old stomping ground]."

Well, many of you use Craiglist or eBay or Facebook, all of which have the potential to put you in touch with some shady characters (poked much?).  Just make sure you do your due diligence.  Ask to see lots of photos, preferably ones with dates on them.  Chat with them online and eventually move to the phone (I know, you don't want your number out there like that... but how many wanksters have you given it to at random clubs?).  Set up a meet at a very public, high-traffic venue.

Use your instincts, that "woman's intuition" you've bragged about to all the men you've sniffed out doing dirt.  Ask a lot of questions and be frank about what you're looking for-- this could save both of you from H.H.S.  And if it doesn't "click," back to the PC (or Mac) you go!

Now get out there, Miss Ctrl-Alt-Del, and play safe!

(Answers to) A Simple Survey: Women

What is a real man?	A real man handles his business. He is independent, has a job and takes care of his sh*t. He is comfortable with himself, and makes decision based on what HE wants. I think a real man also thinks about the future...he can see further than the next 5 min and has a plan for his life (whether or not it involves a woman is unimportant, he should see a place where he is going)
What is a real man NOT?	A real man does not rely on someone else to take care of his business. He makes decisions by himself and doesn't seek the approval of everyone around him (getting someone's opinion is one thing, and normal at times, but if he can't make a decision without someone else....there's a problem)

On Head

When I looked up the Merriam-Webster definition of fellatio, I didn't find anywhere in it "running one's teeth over the shaft of the penis as if grating a carrot."  So... don't do that.

Also on the don't list: Cottonmouth blowjobs!  Your mouth should be as wet and slobbery as your dog when it hears you rustling a bag of kibble.

There are rules to giving head.  I'm not sure what they all are so you'll have to ask a gay man.

But there are some things women do that ruin the moment.  Looking up at the dude you're blowing is lame.  Either you think you're being sexy or you're trying to gauge how well you're doing.  To answer the first question, if you're doing it right you'll look less like a fellating angel and more like a dick-draining demon.  Second, you won't know how well you're doing until it melts in your mouth (not in your hands, please).

If a man opts out of getting blown by you don't take it personally-- you just suck, is all.  A lot of women do, having spent so much time trying to stick to "good girl sex" that they've never bothered to hone their head game.  I'm fully in favor of you taking a class to get it right (nothing lower than a B-, though).

It's Not Always a Game

Peep game.

He doesn't call like he should.  He doesn't mention where all of this is going, like he should.  Sometimes he's more than available to play; other times he's conveniently indisposed.  Now that he's had you for a few go-rounds, he seems to only get excited when you and your equally hot girlfriend come around.  He missed your birthday party to attend his brother's bar mitzvah-- yeah, likely story.

You say you don't have time for games and that's good... 'cause we don't either.  "Game" is an ambiguous concept that gained traction in the 1990s and has since become a crutch for men and women alike.  I'll have women tell me, "I want a guy who's not a game player," like I'm supposed to even know what that is.

As I've said before, most men just do.  There is no "game" being played... except in a woman's head.

If he decides to skip a party you've put together with your friends it isn't part of some diabolical plot to twist your head inside out like a chef hollowing a grapefruit.  If he tells you, "I could see being in a relationship with you," then he means just that: he could see it.

Women often divine what they want from what men say and do, like an oracle casting chicken bones along the ground.  Stop reading what you want into a man and then perceiving game when he does the other thing.

You can start by not taking seriously anything a man says while he's in bed with you.  Please, start there.

A Simple Survey: Men

A Simple Survey: Women

Because Nicholas Sparks' Movies Suck Ass

"You catching today?  I'm in a pitching mood."

Movie night can either be heaven or hell.  Not for you, for us-- you're going to watch some shit you like.  But next time you're deciding what to watch with your dude-- or maybe he's just your F-Buddy and he's obligated to sit through at least one flick before crushing-- you'd do well to suggest The Shawshank Redemption.

In case you haven't seen it, it's the story of a man wrongly convicted of killing his wife and her lover and sentenced to life in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.  No bullshit here: he literally gets pounded in the ass (it's not explicitly shown so relax).  But he also befriends a magical Negro named Red.  Theirs becomes a story of friendship, love, stamina and transcendence-- minus the anal hijinks of Brokeback Mountain.

It is the quintessential guy flick and, according to men's mags such as FHM and Maxim, the only movie during which a man may weep openly (besides Old Yeller).

You'll like it, too.  It takes those slumber party themes that get dead horse beaten in movies such as Dear John and performance enhances them for a more mature and savvy viewing couple.  And from now on, when you're stuck at a party, wedding or company mixer you were obligated to attend-- getting bored to death by the other guests and the Kenny G cover band-- you'll have only to lean into each other and whisper, "Zihuatanejo."

Emotional Rollercoasters

If you're all over the place, secure your shit.  Normal, functioning men have things to do, and that doesn't include reacting to any mood swings you might have.  Crazy only makes the sex hot-- nothing else.

Drama and craziness are only tolerable when you're a teenage girl; most of you are not that.  And don't ever wear your Jekyll/Hyde persona as a badge of honor.  There are no awards for women who make men's-- and other people's-- hair fall out.

So ask your doctor if chilling the fuck out is right for you.

On the other side, you should not get involved with men who are this way.  I know that women are easily bored and need constant stimulation-- which makes me wonder why marriage is the endgame-- but emotional rollercoasters, men especially, can leave you sick and exhausted with each turn.

Not saying you have to ride or be the monorail, but getting older means getting real.  You need some things to be steady in your life.  The person next to you should be one of these.