Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Strip Clubs

(The following is a re-issue of a post from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

I am a lot of things.  During this journey, I have realized that I am all over the place.  I am strong.  I am weak.  I am empowered by my sexuality and I am vulnerable, at times. Life is multifaceted and I just try to go with the flow.  This requires me to keep judgment at bay and to accept things as they come.  As much as possible, I avoid judging others and I avoid putting stock in the judgments others pass.  I am at a crossroads right now.


Last night, that crossroad had me thinking about a guy that I just met.  A guy that, if things go a certain way, would want me to stop dating other people.  I talked to him on the phone and thought about what that would mean in my life, as I drove to meet another guy that I had been chatting it up with on FB.  This guy was a friend of a friend.  I met him and he was interesting.  He's not like most of the guys I talk to.  He is all about talking business and he's covered in tattoos.  He was extremely sexy.  I might write about that experience another time.  For now, I will just say that he and I hung out for a while and then I left to meet up with some friends for a birthday gathering.  I met them at a bar that would have cost me twenty dollars to get into, but a gentleman outside was kind enough to pay my entry.  I thanked him and I went to join my friends. 

After about 10 minutes in the club, we decided that the party would move to the strip club.  I had known this is where the night would take us.  The guy who's birthday it was, was the brother of a friend of a friend.  And he was also a dj at a strip club.  Oh how I've missed Houston.  Aside from the fact that I have no problem going to a strip club, I was in Houston and I was out to celebrate the birthday of a guy that I had never met.  Who was I to protest?  Why would I want to?  So, to the strip club we went.  

Upon arriving and walking through the doors, it was just how I remembered it.  It's been a short while since I have been to a strip club, but the feeling never changes.  The looks you get as you cross the floor to find your seat are always the same.  The funny thing about walking into a strip club is that you have a whole different marketability in a strip club than you do in the world.  As a woman that attracts and is attracted to the other sex, you pick up one additional check mark.

In the world, you might have a list of things that make you a great catch: 
  • Funny
  • Smart
  • Pretty
  • Nice Body
  • Motivated
  • Educated
  • Good Career
  • Nice Family
There are many more.  But, when you walk into a strip club, you can possess all of these things.  You can be a beautiful brain surgeon or a political analyst.  If you are an attractive woman, once you are in a strip club, you gain one quality that tops all the others.  

When in a strip club, your number one quality that set you apart becomes:
  • Not a stripper
That's all you need.  A woman in a strip club that is not actually a stripper takes on a whole different mystique.  She has a whole new allure.  I am not totally sure what does it.  Maybe it's the fact that you are attractive?  Maybe it's that you allow them to use more imagination?  Maybe they are curious about why you are there?  Or, maybe it's just that you are free.  But, it is definitely a different sort of attraction.  It's not something you experience every day.  Rarely when you meet someone say at an event or a bookstore, does he throw in "and she's not a stripper" when he describes you to his friends.  It's just not a plus in the regular dating world.  But somehow, it never fails that in a sea of naked women, the one with clothes on can steal the attention, ever so briefly ... Before the men remember that there are asses shaking behind you.  

So, that was my revelation of the evening.  While the world buzzes around me and the future of my dating life hangs in the balance, I am glad that I can still enjoy the simple things in life.  It's nice to know that when home, I can take a time-out to sit back with friends and enjoy the view.  Some things never change.  Happy Holidays.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Death Of My Life As An Online Dater

(The following is a reprint of a post on the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

No.  Not the blog.  That will be around for a while.  I am, however, calling it quits with the online dating.  This might just be temporary.  I am willing to admit that I am fickle.  I make resolutions and break them regularly.  I fall in lust at the drop of a dime and it's gone just as fast.  That's not to say I am not in touch with me or self aware.  I just enjoy the moment.  Sometimes, I enjoy it a little too much.  And, since I like to do enjoyable things, I am going to end my online dating life, for now.  It's just not for me.  As with all things, I really liked it at first.  It was exciting and it was nice to be able to cast a large net, but I think I reached the bottom of the pond.  I think, for the time being, I have met everyone there is to meet online.

When I started my online dating profile, it was like striking gold.  I felt like the pretty girl at the club.  I got hit up by good looking interesting men.  I went on tons of dates.  I had lots of sex.  I formed interesting, exciting relationships.  Then, like a once delicious loaf of bread that has sat on the counter too long, other (not-so-delicious) things started popping up.  You guys have heard some stories. But, we are going to go through it again.  This is going to be a look back at My Online Dating Life: The Good, The Bad, The Rude and The Certifiable.

In the beginning, there were The Beautiful One and Todd.  You remember them, right?  They were both cool at first.  The Beautiful One stayed cool, but Todd slipped into strange.  TBO falls into the category of The Good.  Todd has to go in a mix of The Bad, The Rude and The Certifiable. I don't really know what his story was.  He told me that his parents had never met anyone he dated.  He was turned off that I didn't immediately stop dating other guys and fall madly in love with him, but he was sleeping with other people the whole time we dated.  I don't know.  I never understood that one.  That was the beginning.

Then there was The Player.  God bless him.  He goes in The Good.  He was a one time thing that I occasionally still talk to and he was wonderful.  He was fun.  He was great in bed.  I give him 4 stars.  After The Player, we had The Soldier.  He was okay.  He was nice.  His bedroom skills were nothing to write home about, but he was a good time and he had funny stories.  He goes in The Good.

Then, there was The Powerful One.  He quite possibly falls in The Certifiable.  At the very least, he makes The Rude category.  But, after our night together, I cannot with a clear conscience say he was Bad.  He was great in bed and the conversation was interesting.  After that is when things slipped into The Twilight Zone.  After he shared his misogynist side with me, he was ousted.  He hates the blog or the fact that I write it.  Thinks its abnormal.  I have to agree.  It's out of the norm.  But, my question is, Why keep reading it and telling me your gripes about my lifestyle? If you don't like, don't read it.  That's what put him over the edge for me.

Here's a quick list of The Bad/Rude/Certifiable (I'll let you decide which is which):


  1. The guy that threw his beer can in my lawn, got too drunk to drive and had to camp out on my floor.
  2. The guy that asked if I had a medical condition and that's why I shaved my head.
  3. The guy that put mixed-race and 5'11" on his profile and put a pic that looked nothing like the 5'7" white dude that showed up at my house.
  4. The Repeat Offender - I'm just salty about that one. 
  5. The guy that came over and talked about the Illuminati and celebrity conspiracies all night.
  6. The guy that messaged me and knew about the blog and other personal things that were mentioned no where in my online dating profile... Remember him? He was the one that said I possessed "sexual agency." We'll call him The Stalker. Needless to say, I never met The Stalker. 
  7. The guy that drove two hours to sleep for two hours, freak out and pace in my room for an hour and then drive two hours back home. 
  8. The guy with the handle "Orgasmtime."
Then there is the guy that goes to school near me.  He is good.  We had sex once and we talk occasionally.  He's 28 or 29, but he reminds me of a guy that is used to dating much younger women.  His communication is a bit off and he seems to need more than he can give.  But, he's nice. He's far from bad or certifiable and he's never been rude to me.  

There's also the guy that asked me to spit in his mouth.  I am not sure where I would categorize this guy. He was mad cool aside from this one odd request in the heat of a passionate moment.  I mean, it's enough to really throw you, but I can roll with the punches.  I just don't think I want to investigate where that may lead.  I am not really one for walking into a possible ass-to-mouth request. (I stole this from my homeboy that told me another visit from this guy and I was on the road to Ass-to-mouth.)  I like to explore sex, but I am all for leaving hard-core fetish porn on the internet and not bringing it into my bed.  

Finally, we come to the close.  This is where I leave my online dating life.  The only two guys that I am currently talking to, Marlon and James, are my best finds yet.  They are both still in my life, but should they go, I am sure it will be in a fashion that leaves me with good feelings for them.  Unilke The Beautiful One, both of these guys care about me.  I will never be in love with or IN relationships with either of them, but the relationships I have with each of them are quite wonderful right now.  But, two out of a million is not reason enough for me to continue my online dating life, so with this post, I am pressing delete on my two profiles.  Msjehn30 is no more.  Now, it's just Jehn.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Seasons

(The following is a reprint of a post on the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

So, Marlon is the guy I write about being smitten with.  Best sex ever and all that jazz.  But, he's also kind of a genius and pretty witty.   He and I are very like-minded and he frequently says things that take me to my note pad.  This is just one of the brilliant revelations to which Marlon has brought me.  I suppose I knew it all along, but I just hadn't thought to apply it to my life.  I guess I frequently do that.

I started this blog in the summer.  As I have said, I didn't date for two years.  My sexuality and I were calm and dormant in an attempt to heal and replenish.  Then, something happened.  Last spring, I became restless.  I felt like a bear coming out of hibernation.  Something in me awoke and I was ready to move forward.  It had been a long time and I needed to experience something new.

So, I immediately started planning for summer.  This would be the summer.  I was going to get back out there.  I had no idea what that meant, but I was going to date.  I was going to date and I was going to have sex.  So, I wrapped up the semester and I booked a train trip to see the country.  My sexuality wasn't the only thing waking up.  I felt alive and I wanted to travel and take pictures and write.  But, I wanted to do it alone.  Then, I wanted to descend upon Houston revived, eyes open and ready to get laid.  It didn't take quite that long.  I had sex on the train, somewhere between Chicago and Texas.

As the summer progressed, I found my sexuality growing and flourishing.  I was happy dating and meeting new people.  Nothing could contain me.  I was the life of the party and I wanted to spend every day with a new person.  I fell in love with everyone and I dated.  All things were beautiful and life was good.

Then, came the fall.  The leaves started to turn and I started to long for someone to talk to.  I thought it was just leaving Houston and missing Lewis.  But, I stayed in and started having thoughts of romance.  My party had turned into a quiet stroll.  I was still meeting people, but not as frequently.  I was quick to blame New England for the lull, but the truth was, I didn't have the motivation to try.  The green grass was turning brown and the leaves were falling.

As winter approaches, I feel myself wishing that I had someone to spend the long, cold nights with.  Going out and meeting people is far from my mind.  I want to bundle up in bed and watch a movie in someone's arms.  If I go into town to go to dinner, I want to stroll slowly with an arm around me to keep me warm.  At first, this scared the shit out of me.  I started worrying that I was going to start wanting a partner more and more and that before I knew it I would be desperately searching for a mate or changing my online dating profile to "Actively seeking a relationship."  How could this be?  How could Poly Amory so quickly go from fun time free spirit to actively seeking a relationship.  I took a deep breath and just held tight.  There had to be a good explanation.

Then, one day, Marlon and I were talking and he stumbled upon a topic that made my heart sing.  He said that he wished he could have a partner that he could settle in with in the winter and would be understanding enough to allow for a spreading of the wings when spring and summer came.  It made so much sense.  This is what I need!  I need to find someone that can hold my hand in the fall and watch movies with me in the winter.  They can stay around during spring and summer, but they can't try to hold me back.

We don't really have seasons in Houston, so I had never thought to compare my dating cycle to them.  But this analogy was brilliant and it was spot on.  This is what I have been going through.  I suppose my situation is more precarious than the normal situation, since I will be moving back to Houston in May.  But that might be perfect.  I just need a winter coat.  I need a temporary boyfriend.  He just needs to be devoid of attachment and jealousy, but full of warmth, compassion and understanding.  Does Okcupid have an "actively seeking a temporary boyfriend stand-in to offer warmth and emotional support for my winter hibernation period" option in their drop-down menu?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Want to Be Wanted

(The following is a reprint of an article on the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

James asked me a good question on our date.  He asked if there are guys that want to be "The One."  Are there guys that want to conquer or tame me.  It was actually something I had been thinking about a lot lately.  My mind had been asking the same question in different forms: "Why do men (that don't want you) want you to want them?"

When I initially posed this question to myself, it wasn't so clear.  It was muddled with specifics.  Men were giving me lines and asking if I wanted more from them faster than I could process any of it.  I was spinning around wondering why having an interest in seeing someone more than once meant that you wanted a relationship and why so many guys refused to believe me when I said I did not want to be monogamous.  Are people really such commitment-phobes that the shear possibility that someone wants to see them more than once sends them running for the hills?  Or, are they too afraid to admit that, occasionally, they just want a single serving sexual encounter?

If the former is the case, that's absurd.  You should be able to enjoy a persons company more than once without falling into a relationship.  And, everyone controls their own relationship status.  You can't be coaxed, coerced or forced into anything you don't want.  If you want to be single, just be honest and if the person says they want the same thing, then it's on them if they change their mind and step out on a limb to see if you might have had a change of heart.  And, if you haven't, all is fair in love and war.  It doesn't make you the bad guy to say that you haven't changed your mind.  Being ready for a relationship is a very personal thing.  If you don't want one, you just don't want one.  If you aren't ready, you aren't ready.  And, if you just don't want one with that particular person, that is okay too.  I don't mind hearing that a man doesn't want a relationship or monogamy.  I just wish they would believe me when I tell them the same thing.

If the latter is the case, this is bullshit too.  Sometimes I just want to hit and quit.  So, I either tell the guy, or I stop returning texts and phone calls.  I do it immediately after the encounter.  They just don't hear from me again.  If they ask if I want to chill again, I say no.  It's not nice.  It's not sugar coated.  But, it's honest.  I might tell them that I am sure they are great, but I am not interested. The rejection might be tough, but everyone isn't right for everyone.  I don't always want to see a guy again after the first date or after we have hooked up.  It's just the way things are.  So, I don't mind if a guy tells me that he just wanted to hook up or that he didn't really dig me.

However, this is generally not the case.  Men will continue to text you and say "Wassup" every now and then, knowing good and well they aren't trying to see you again.  Why is this?   Maybe they are just being nice, but I see this as a waste of time and energy.  We are dating here.  Rejection is part of it.  If you don't get rejected and you don't ever reject anyone, then no one is special.  You find yourself floating in a pool of mediocrity.  So, I have no problem telling a man that I am not interested.  If he keeps texting, I will ignore him.  We don't have to be friends after one date.  I don't think it's nice to keep a guy thinking I am interested in seeing him again if I have no interest.

There is one other possibility that just occurred to me.  The Reserves List.  A guy might keep talking to you just in case he needs to call on you in a pinch at a later date.  This is kind of a cop out, but it is valid. The thing is, I have a reserve list too.  The trouble with this list is that it requires impeccable timing, a prearrangement or one party has to be a bit more desperate.  Impeccable timing: One party hits the other up and it just so happens to be a time when the other person is in need of a quick fix, as well.  Desperation: One party has been waiting on reserve for that call.  This is a lopsided situation.  Prearrangement is just that.  You have both agreed to be "on-call" for the other in times of need.

Then there is the final possibility.  Everyone wants to be wanted.  We all want someone to pine for us.  We want to feel cherished and adored.  Some are even willing to accept such adoration from someone they don't particularly want to be with.  So, some people keep you on a string even though they don't want you.  They just want you to want them.  If they do want to spend time with you, then they want you to want them and want time with them a little more than they want it with you and some want you to fall in love with them, knowing good and well, they won't be falling in love with you.

So again, I end with the one golden rule that I have been screaming since jump street.  Honesty is the best policy.  If you want it, give it.  If a person isn't being honest about what they want, that's their bad.  But don't think a possibility of dishonesty gives you the right to a preemptive lie.  If everyone keeps trying to beat each other to the lie, then honesty is lost.  If I tell you I liked you and want to see you again, but I don't want a boyfriend, just believe me.  I promise I don't have a boyfriend dungeon I am waiting to toss you into.  I just liked your company.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

How to Use Body Language to Your Advantage When Dating

(The following is a reprint of an article on TopDatingTips.com.)


This is the language where you don't need any words. Women have been doing it for hundreds of years to attract the man they want. Becoming fluent in body language will ensure that you will be skilled in attracting the right man and sending the get lost signal to the wrong man.

Eyeing Up the Prize

The more eye contact you establish with the target the better. Start with some sidelong glances. Then, begin with direct eye contact. Once he turns to meet your gaze, immediately lower your eyes and smile to yourself. This will tell him that you were watching him and are embarrassed that he caught you -- a sure sign of interest. Next, be bold and try holding his stare and flash a smile.
If there is a man that is giving you the eye and you are not interested, look away from him and don't look back at him again. While having a conversation, looking at the ceiling and around the room also shows a definite lack of interest.

First Impressions Count

You leave your home ready to go to a party when you spot your gorgeous neighbor and he doesn't give you a second glance. Why? Because you aren't dressed your best. When you enter a room, most people look to see who has come in. This is when you have to make an impression. Looking your best will make you feel your best. So make sure that before you leave your front door, look your best. You never know. You just might just attract the attention of that gorgeous neighbor.

The Hand Job (no, not what you are thinking!)

Even without direct contact, your hands can send very powerful messages. There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get to know someone. Keeping your hands unclenched shows you're open to him. Using your hands to caress objects, such as the rim of your glass, locks of your hair, or the sleeve of your blouse in a rhythmic (as opposed to fidgety) manner, can be a sensual act. And for the brave, try picking fluff off his jacket, touching him to punctuate a point, or using the "accidental touch" when reaching for the salt.
Hands jammed in pockets, cleaning eyeglasses or balled in tight fists are all bad signs. Finger tapping, drumming, pointing or wagging are also signals to move on.

Stand Out

Your posture is one of the most telling signals you transmit. An open posture is evidence of an open person. Turning your body toward the man you're conversing with, keeping your feet flat on the floor and leaning forward are actions that show interest. Also, slightly tilting your head, crossing and uncrossing your legs and thrusting your chest forward give the message that you are interested.
Crossing your arms, holding a drink high in front of you, turning your body away or resting your feet on their toes will tell a person you are not interested.

A Few Extra Tips

Hopefully by now you have an attack plan for when it's time to get down and dirty, or when it's best just to wave the white flag. Here are just a few more tips when trying to perfect your body language skills:
  • You'll know things are going really well when you begin "mirroring" one another's body language and gestures.
  • Don't tease him by offering more than you plan to follow through with. This can lead to very ugly circumstances.
  • Chain smoking, being extremely intoxicated, or having eyes only for your plate of food will not put you in the best standingfor the body language game.
  • If you try your hand at it, and he's not responding, abort the mission immediately.
  • Following him around all night will only serve in making you look needy and desperate.

And finally, if all else fails, buy yourself a T-shirt that reads, "Looking for Love."

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I Am Not Ready to Love

(The following is a reprint of a post from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

As promised, I am going to explain why I am not ready to love and per request, I am also going to explain why I have nothing to offer a relationship.

First and foremost, I will start by telling you something very personal.  I lost a sister almost exactly a year ago.  It was sudden and it was traumatic.  Grieving the death of a sibling is gut wrenching and it pretty much takes you over.  In my lowest moments, while crying on the floor, in a ball, alone, I wish I had someone to hold me.  I wish I had someone to hold my hand and just be there.  But, being far away from home, I have done most of my grieving alone.  I don't suggest this.  This is the one thing I have done alone because there was no other choice.  This was not the choice I made.

That having been said, I am not ready to be in a relationship, because I am sad.  Some days I am a joy to be around and some days I am just sad.  While I could use someone to hold my hand on those days when I am sad, I do not know what I can give back yet.  I am still closed off and emotionally scarred from my last relationship and the grief piled on top does not help.

I am not the person I want to bring into a relationship.  A year ago, maybe even six months ago, I would have jumped into another relationship head first.  It would have been the easy thing to do at the time and it would have bitten me in the ass in the long run.  It always has.  So, I decided to take a break.  Then I decided to continue with my relationship break, but add men back into the picture.  So, I started dating.  I can date.  I can barely date.  I find myself wanting more of an emotional attachment from men that I start off just having sex with.  (Not all of them, mind you.)  But, some of the men I date, I look for a friendship from.

Some offer friendship readily. We'll call this type "Guy A."  Some are just like that.  Others want nothing to do with friendship.  This is "Guy B."  They are just there for the sex, and you know that from day one.  Then, there are those that want to keep having sex with you, want to talk to you about their relationship woes or their lives, but the moment you are in need, they are short with you and they flee, as soon as possible.  This gem is "Guy C."  There are also variations of all three and midpoints between each.  I am just now figuring this out, but I am always on guard and wondering when Guy A is going to turn into Guy C.

So, I keep my guard up. As I have said, I have trust issues.  In a conversation with Marlon last night, he mentioned that I noted that I have trust issues.  He made a sarcastic joke about not noticing.  But, it is true.  I have put him through the ringer.  I think he is a nice guy.  But, even typing the words, I feel like a sucker.  If he feels like he is having to prove himself to me just as a lover and friend, can you imagine what I will put a prospective partner through?

I am a nice person and I don't want to do that to a man.  So, I won't let myself fall for one.  I will just keep my guard up until I have had some time to heal.  Or, until a man comes along and we can walk through trust together.  This guy doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend, just a kind hearted and patient soul.  But, until one of those things happens, I will be single and I am perfectly happy with that ... most of the time.

The reason I am not ready to love is pretty much the same.  I can't let my guard down and I can't get close to anyone in that way again for a while.  My last relationship was 6 years and that is a long time to be with one person.  If I were younger, I would allow myself to fall for Marlon.  He doesn't want a relationship either, but that wouldn't have mattered.  I would have had fun being smitten with him regardless of how he felt.  I don't really do that anymore ... or at least I'm not doing it right now.  I'm just playing everything safe.  While it's not as much fun to play it safe, my emotions aren't up for any roller coasters right now.  So, I will sit here, with my feet firmly planted, waiting for this Guy A to jump to Guy C, at which point, I will turn and walk away with my head held high.  There will be no need to pick myself up, because I won't allow myself to fall.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Lessons from a Tramp


(The following is a reprint of a post on the blog Singlemindedwomen.com.)

Why does it happen that when you’re dating someone, you stop going on dates?

My roommate recently commented that she is the one asking her boyfriend to go on dates, not the other way around.  And when she does, she ends up planning most of it.

I understand that there is a certain spark lost after couples have been dating for awhile, but I also think it is important to make balance a priority.  Those little dates, although they may seem unnecessary, keep the flame alive.

My advice to women looking to go out on these dates is to be as original as possible. Look for local dinner and a movie deals, do free things like attending museums. Not everything has to revolve around a $30 steak.
Sometimes it’s hard to find the time to make these dates happen, but everyday things can be romantic too.

Take a lesson from the Tramp–he managed to turn a makeshift dinner in an alley into an epic moment.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

(Answers to) Fall '10 Survey #8


If you had to choose a mate based on only one criteria, what would it be?
I'm torn between sex and intelligence
What's something spontaneous that a romantic interest could do to surprise you?
Buy me something kinky and new to use in the bedroom!
What's the meanest thing a member of the opposite sex has ever said to you?
I'm sorry, you deserve better, I just wanted to have sex with you!
What places do you go to, to look for a mate?
Don't go anywhere "looking"!
Underwear or "commando"? 
commando, especially in the summer (wink)
What's the lamest way you've ever been dumped (or have dumped someone)?
refusing to answer phone or text
Favorite "bedroom boom" song?
Slowly by Tank
Knowing that over half of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, would you still want to get married? If so, why?
Hell yea, marriage is exactly what you make it!
Ask for directions or keep looking on your own?
Looking on my own, all roads lead home!
What do you believe motivates a man in terms of interaction with the opposite sex? What about a woman?
Sex for men, intimacy and companionship for women

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Week Of Online Dating/Mishaps/What the Fu.....


(The following is a reprint of a post from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

Okay, so apparently the online dating gods want to make sure I have good material to keep my readership up, because the insanity keeps pouring in daily.  So I got a new message in my "prospective date" turned "probably not" inbox.  Apparently the pond got polluted, because while their are plenty of fish, most of them are nuts.  I don't mean to say this guy is nuts... But, his message had me looking over my shoulder.

I need some opinions on this one, people.

The Message:

Title - "Nice Blog (: You possess sexual agency

Body -

"Hi, I read your blog before, and I am impressed with your ability to garner agency in your sex life.  I have some pics to share, and I travel and stay not that far from you.  I possess the intellectual ability to converse on many level(s).  You will enjoy my company very much(:  Send me an email address and I'll send you pic(s) of me from head to toe(: TTYL, C."

Not so super strange on the surface, right?  Well, here are the details that made me say "What tha ..."

A.  There is no direct link between this blog and my online dating profile.  The link to the blog isn't on my profile.

B.  My real name is only in two posts here on the blog and it's shortened on the profile.

C.  Dude lives in Cleveland, OH.  So, I didn't just turn up on a random search.

So, either he reads the blog and he decided to search for my profile or he stumbled upon me and recognized my pic.  And, since he reads the blog, he's probably going to read this post.  Dave Chappelle was right.  The internet is a creepy place.

*Hopefully my friends are just playing another prank on me... remember the late night phone masturbator.  Good stuff.  I'm just going to hope this is one of them ...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What Women Should Know When Dating

(The following is a reprint of an article on Articleset.com.)

Even the most confident women experience anxiety attacks when they go out on a date…what more to those who are not so confident about themselves? If a woman decided to go on date—especially with the man she is interested with—there should be no space for self-doubt. Although being rejected can be a horrifying thought,women can never go wrong if they follow the simple rules on dating.

If you are up on a date, the first thing to consider is how to make the date itself enjoyable for the both of you. If he suggests something you cannot comfortable with, then offer him other alternatives. There’s no good in going on a date that you cannot enjoy yourself.

If you are too nervous and you think you’re not one of those women that are good conversationalists, make up for it by suggesting an activity that would keep you both preoccupied. This would take the pressure off on both parties and may lead to a more fluid conversation. (Tip: try to stay in tune with current events so the man will discover you’re not only pretty but smart as well.)

After breaking the ice, keep yourself in check. Make sure that you don’t go overboard by making nasty comments or by getting “too close” because this will turn him off. If you want to get a man’s attention, pay a lot more attention to him by listening to him rather than you talking.

Before leaving your house for a date, make sure that you leave your emotional baggage behind. Being emotional on a date over something will make a man feel you don’t need a lover but a psychologist or therapist.

Here are additional general rules on dating:

1. Always be gorgeous, decent, or at least presentable whatever your income is. Gorgeous women are one of the men’s guilty pleasures. Looking your best with that gorgeous hair, fancy clothes, and make-up can make you a head-turner anywhere.

2. Be discreet and mysterious. Especially on first dates, giving out too much pieces of information that are unnecessary will only turn him off. Remember, mysterious and enigmatic women stay on men’s minds compared to those who are not.

3. Know when less is more. Dates don’t have to take so much time as long as you keep the man interested. Lesser time might even pave the way for the second, third or fourth date because he would think that you need more time to know each other.

4. Keep that figure in check. Slim or fit women appeals to most men because it gives the impression that these women know how to take care of themselves. Taking a time off to workout in a fitness center or gym can be your investment in looking for your dream guy.

5. Time check. Remember, first impressions last that’s why you have to make sure that you are on time when you go out on a date.

6. Be interesting and interested. Although your date did not turn out to be your “dream guy,” be lady enough to stick until the end by keeping your sense of humor.

7. Even if you believe in gender equality, let the man pay the bills.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Discipline

(The following is a reprint from a post on My Life As A Serial Dater.)

Discipline means more to me now than it ever has.  I go to the gym, regularly.  I eat better than I ever have.  I don't drink often and when I do, I do it in moderation ('cept that one recent occurrence ... apologies to The Good Date.)  I have my priorities and goals and I have created a lifestyle that hopes to lead me to those goals.

The one area of my life in which I have lost all grasps on discipline is my sex life.  In the past couple of months, I have indulged when, where and with whomever I chose.  I have fulfilled fantasies for myself and for my partners.  I have had amazing sex.  I have had good sex.  I have had mediocre sex.  I have had bad sex.  I have had sex that made me feel great and sex that left me confused.

The summer was different.  I had a few partners and I saw them over and over again.  I didn't bounce nearly as much as I do now.  I haven't had sex with even close to all of the people with which I went on dates.  But, since getting back to New England, I have gone on dates with almost 20 men. Yeah ... I've been doing some dating.  Like I said, I haven't knocked it outta the park with many of them.  However, there have been more than were worth it.

I had the great and okay experiences that I chose to write about.  And I have had some not so great experiences.  Some I didn't even choose to write about or explore with you guys.  There was the situation with the guy that drove all the way from Boston, just to sleep for three hours, wake up, pace in my room for another 30 minutes, then tell me he was going to lose his job if he stayed.  He said he had been written up the week before and had to go.  I was not sorry to see him leave.  The whole experience was odd, odd, odd.  I did not have sex of any sort or kiss this guy.

I have been talking to and twice chilled with a guy that goes to a neighboring college.  He's close to my age and cute.  He's a smart guy and we joke and flirt well.  I did have sex with this guy.  We were half asleep and it was probably not his best showing, as he was tired.  But he's cute and he has a comfortable and attractive body.  His personality is warm and I enjoy his company.  We might get to give it another try in the sack.  We'll see.

Other than that, I have just had some duds.  My sexual exploration can really only be met and fulfilled with partners that are willing to put in work.  Marlon, The Player and The Powerful One were all good partners.  Then I have situations like I had last night.  The situation last night was really different.  I went on a date with a guy that was very sweet, however, he was not my type at all.  I have a big personality and this guy did not.  He was shy and quiet.  Sparking conversation was difficult at best.  And yet, I decided that I wanted to have sex with him.

I had some drinks in me.  This is never a good idea.  I have mentioned before that I hate drunk sex.  Sex is supposed to be fun and active.  When drunk, it defeats itself.  So, that is what I got last night.  I got drunk sex with a guy that didn't peak my interest at all.  When I woke this morning and ushered him out of my bed, I decided that it is most definitely time to pump the brakes.  I will be withdrawing some troops asap.  I am only keeping 3 currents.  I won't be texting, or seeing or sleeping with anyone else.

I will keep talking to the guy from the nearby school (he might eventually earn a title.)  I will keep talking to The Good Dater, because he has become a sort of a staple in my life now.  And, I will consider seeing Marlon again.  I am very doubtful that will happen, but again, we'll see.  I liked him a lot, but I am fickle and I don't see that we will be seeing each other again soon, so I foresee losing my interest quickly.  We are both dating other people and anything we shared was surface, so I am sure it will not be able to withstand what time and distance do to interest.

So, my sex life is about to join my eating habits and workout routines.  It is about to become a disciplined part of my life.  I want to grow sexually and I want to enjoy my body.  In order to do that, I need to create greater boundaries.  I will still give in to my urges, but I won't have sex like I did last night.  I don't even know what I was going for, but I know it wasn't in a healthy place.  I didn't have sex for love or strong sexual urges.  And, since no other needs can be met through sex, I need to take a step back and make sure that the loneliness of these cold New England winters doesn't lead me to a place where I am having sex to fulfill things that sex can't fulfill.  This has been a self-check kinda day.  Now, it's time to move forward.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

7 Tips to Instant Success with Men

(The following is a reprint of an article on Ezinearticles.com.)

It's man's greatest desire to love and be loved by the very person that he loves. As a woman, it should be your goal to snag the best guy there is before the rest of the pack even catches a whiff of him. Here are some essential tips which will help you succeed with men...

Be more attractive than the rest of the girls.
In order to be successful with men, you must be much more beautiful than the rest. If all he sees is an array of beautiful women, then you're just one among the rest. Let him see something unique in you so that you'd stand out.

The gym could do wonders to your life.
Be the fittest girl he's ever seen. Eat healthy, exercise regularly, let him see that you're in charge of your life. A torturously fat woman proves only one thing - she can't curb her desires.

Show much confidence in who you are.
If all the other women are out there to impress him with their fake selves, then be different. Impress him with your true self. This is one of the most effortless way that you could get him to admire you.

Show him your intellect.
Having beauty isn't enough to make a man take a second look. Sometimes, he does need to hear you talk with confidence. He also needs to see that you have your own ideas and principles, that you're one woman who isn't easily swayed by the tides.

Be full of humor.
Just as women become instantly comfortable around a man who has a great sense of humor, this is also true vice versa. You need to show him the lighter side of your personality. Prove to him that you're not all romance and touchy-feely.

Let him see a busy woman in you.
A woman who isn't busy with any hobby or activity is going to be demanding more time from a man - and any guy would know this. So from the onset, you have to prove to him that you won't be asking much of his time because you're busy fulfilling your own schedule.

Keep your distance.
Always be within his grasp but at arm's length. Don't ever give him the idea that you're too easy to get. Give in only when he has already asked you a couple of times. Do this and you're have the power to entice any man that you like.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Mixed Messages



(The following is a reprint of a post on the blog, My Life As A Serial Dater.)

So, as you all know, The Repeat Offender will repeat no longer.  He is out of the picture.  He didn't have the same level of interest in me that I had in him.  Even though I don't want a relationship, I do still have certain expectations of the men I am seeing/dating/sleeping with/hanging out with.  Maybe its a double standard of sorts.

Sometimes I feel like an asshole, because I can't offer anything traditional to men, yet I have these unconventional wants.  I want them to be attentive and kind, without the security that a relationship can offer.  If they say they are going to visit, I want them to follow through.  If they say they want to see me again, I want them to do more than just text me for the next three weeks.  It's not really asking that much.  I don't want to be used for sex.  I want to do other things than just sleep together.  I don't have sex with men that I don't like.  So, I want to spend time with the men I am sleeping with.  If they choose to hang out with me, I don't want them to text ahead of time and ask "are we going to have sex?"  I need them to take their chances and I need them to hang out with me because they want to.  Not because they want to have sex and go home.  I have no place for empty sex.

And yet, I want sex with multiple partners.  I am not ready to settle down with just one man or only have one partner.  But, I catch feelings and I get salty.  On one hand I am like the perks of a girlfriend without having to be monogamous. On the other hand, I require attention without the security of a relationship.  There are ups and downs to all things and I offer a mixed bag of goodies and downfalls.  You would think that the freedom to see whomever you choose and still be able to spend time with me would be a good thing.  I am, frequently, the only woman the men I'm seeing are totally honest with.  They can tell me that they are seeing other people.  I don't want the details, but I do appreciate knowing the truth.  I don't expect anyone to stop seeing other people just because we have started talking.

That having been said, I am amazed at the number of men that expect that from me.  The Repeat Offender was one of them.  After we had established that I had more interest in him than he in me, we somehow found ourselves talking about sexual partners.  He, knowing that I am as honest as possible with men, asked how many men I had been with since the first time he and I had had sex.  I took a moment and he asked me if I was thinking of a safe answer.  I replied simply, "No, I'm counting."

He was not too happy with my answer.  Seems that even though he wasn't really interested in me and definitely didn't want a relationship with me, I was supposed to want one from him.  And even though he would go for days without responding to me, I should have been pining away for him, sitting by the phone, patiently.  Todd felt the same way.  He felt that even though he wasn't expressing any feelings for me, I should have been overflowing with feelings for him.  So, The Repeat Offender didn't like my answer.  His ego took over and he wanted to know who was the best.  The truth was, Marlon was the best.  Hands down.  And The Powerful One would have been second, but there were no feelings involved there.  So, I answered his question truthfully and just as he had shared news that didn't feel too great to me, I shared news that wasn't great for him.

On a side note, The Train Guy ... remember him? ... He texted me today asking if I was still his, or if I was stepping out on him.  What the hell?  After I put it on him on the train from Chicago to Houston, he came to visit me in Houston and we had some of the most amazing sex I have ever had.  We traveled across the country together by chance.  It was so romantic, then I found out he had a girlfriend and thus started the blog and the summer/fall of amazing sex.  I have spent the last 15 years choking on double standards and now, in response, I have created my own.

The question is, with all of these expectations, limitations, mixed messages and double standards, when does anyone find the room or time to just be happy?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

(Answers to) Fall '10 Survey #7



If you had to choose a mate based on only one criteria, what would it be?
he a one woman man
What's something spontaneous that a romantic interest could do to surprise you?
picnic, somethin different
What's the meanest thing a member of the opposite sex has ever said to you?
I never really like you like that
What places do you go to, to look for a mate
Nowhere lol
Underwear or "commando"?
draws, commando is nasty
What's the lamest way you've ever been dumped (or have dumped someone)?
facebook
Favorite "bedroom boom" song?
deuces remix
Knowing that over half of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, would you still want to get married? If so, why?
yeah you gone be old someday lol
Ask for directions or keep looking on your own?
ask somebody
What do you believe motivates a man in terms of interaction with the opposite sex? What about a woman?
men want ass, women want love (and ass) lol

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Good Dates and Other Things

(The following is a re-print of an article on the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

This has been a good week for my dating life.  I shed some dead weight and realized some things about myself in the process.  I also had a two day long texting and Skype tryst with a possible crush back home and had two dates.

Lewis and I have made a healthy transition from lover to friend and it turns out I was right.  I love him, but I was never in love with him.  That is why we can be friends and I can hear about his dates without any sadness or pain.  I have not been in love in a very long time.  It's hard to realize that you are not in something, until you think back and remember what it felt like to be in it.  I have been thinking about my ex a lot.  Not the most recent one, but a few back and I remember what it felt like to just be head over heels.  It's been a while.

Everything with Todd has come to a full close.  I am not sure what I was doing there.  In the end, he was right.  I never fully wanted him.  I liked him, but I never got that feeling for him.  I never once felt for him, the way I feel right now.  (I'll explain that statement later.)  Todd and I never made love.  We had sex.  This is what I do.  I climb up on the counter, I bend over the sink, I straddle on the hard wood floors.  I put my hands to the wall and I brace for the impact.  But I never, never fully fall.

I have rough sex.  I have playful sex.  I let them close enough, long enough to have an orgasm and a good time, then back at arms length they go.  I joke that I'm always in love after good sex.  It's a high that I have come to see as my most intimate of emotions with men, right now.  I am guarded.  I make no excuses.  I wanted to be this way.  I had been disappointed and stagnant in my self for too long.  I wanted to put up a wall and let my garden grow without the added fertilizers and boot prints that "boyfriends" can leave.  I did not realize what would come of this, but I just went for it.  There was really no other option.  I could keep trying to jump into relationships, or I could just be me.  The strange thing was, just being me was the harder option.  Little to no distractions makes you take a step back and analyze some shit.  And forgetting what it's like to be in love, can sometimes make you feel like you could fall in love with anyone for a brief period, and at the same time, feel like you can't find a connection with anyone at all.

I go on dates.  I had one just the other night.  We met for drinks.  We went to dinner and we went dancing. We had a really nice time.  We didn't go back to my place.  We didn't have sex in the bathroom.  We just drank, ate and danced.  We didn't fall in love.  We didn't have share each other's bodies.  He's going through a divorce and I am having a good time and exploring myself.  It was perfect.  It was so clear and we talked the next day with no pretenses or games.  It was nice, refreshing.  It wasn't intimate on any exceptional level.  It was like making a new friend.  We don't have to look to the future, just have a good time in the present.  It set the tone for a new step in clarity.  I liked him.  He liked me.  I will never be with him and I will never be in love with him.  I don't have to be curious about where it's going or if I have to worry about hurting him or myself.  We can just be.  It's like friends with a twist.

_____________________________________________________
That having been said.  Last night was a whole other situation.  I finally met "The Newest Favorite."  He came to my place and we had dinner and watched a movie.  Then, he turned all of my clarity on its head.  It was perfect in a whole new way.  I'm sure I'll name him, but I can't write about him yet.  I'm still really confused and I am tired from not sleeping.  I can't respond to his texts, I can't write about him. I can't think straight, so I think, for now, I'll just go to sleep and dream.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

What are Alpha Women?

Guess which one's going to jail.
(The following is a re-print of an article on CountryCouples.co.uk.)

We have all heard the term Alpha Male – Alpha as we all know is the first letter of the Greek alphabet and is used to refer to number one, therefore the alpha male is the number one male in a group of males.
An alpha female is therefore the number one female in a group of females. The term is probably most commonly used for the leading female in a pride of lions.

I am therefore a little curious how all of the females in a group of females can be referred to as alpha women.
When you talk of human alpha females most people would think of strong women such as Margaret Thatcher or Condoleezza Rice, women that got out there and did it rather than sit and talk about how they can if they want to. Alternatively you could consider alpha women to be like Princess Diana or Joan Collins, women that understand their beauty and make men work hard for their attention.

By definition alpha leaders are strong, aggressive and confident or they are forced from their place by an underling.

I was therefore intrigued when I came across a website yesterday called alphawomen, it is an attractively designed website, the site itself is well written and it has a number of interesting features. I feel sure it will do well and sincerely hope that it does, however there are four reasons I will not be joining:

No 1. Contradictions:
In the about us section it states “being a member of AlphaWomen.com means that you’ll never have to read the article ‘Ten Tips on How to Impress Your Mate,’ again.”
This is the comment on the site which fueled this post, to me it effectively says to stop caring about your relationship and concentrate on yourself …. no thanks, mine is very important to me and as a strong independent confident woman I am happy to take time to please my man and he is happy to take time to please me ….. that is why we call it equality.

On the same page it says “AlphaWomen.com allows women to create their own blog posts to share content (including pictures and video) and then link back to their own blog. This drives the right traffic to your blog.”

My blog is about relationships … oh yes and tips on how to impress your mate!!

No 2. Their Definition of Alpha Women
The site states “An Alpha Woman is a strong, independent woman who is successful in her everyday life. Though she may not be the CEO of a company or make several million a year, she is confident about who she is as a person and where she is headed in the future. She is a decision-maker who has goals and aspirations; she is opinionated and not afraid to speak her mind. Most importantly, she is a woman who is comfortable in her own skin and who strives to get the most out of every single day.”

My response is I am a strong, independent successful, confident, opinionated, decision-maker that knows where I am going in life … so why do I need to huddle in a corner with other supposedly alpha women to remind each other how strong and confident we are? Why can’t I discuss politics, religion, relationships, etc with anyone I find interesting and knowledgeable? I run my own business, travel the world, write articles and two blogs all without the aid of a label or group hug …. although I would be lost without my laptop.

I find it more than a little patronising that as an “alpha woman” it is felt that I should necessarily gravitate to others of the same ilk. Good luck to those that need the support but surely that defeats the point of being an alpha woman?

3. Marketing
“AlphaWomen.com was conceived around the realization that a place on the internet did not yet exist for strong, modern women to talk about issues that are relevant in today’s society.”

Well BlogHer has been going since 2005 and Blogs by Women has a list of over 5,600 women bloggers (I note with amusement that alphawomen.com is listed). These are all strong independent women who discuss, on the open internet, issues that would make my mothers hair curl. Where are our strong female voices being stiffled? Women have been blogging for years so how could a platform for women not exist?

If I may use an Americanism. ladies … get over yourselves, we don’t need to complain about how downtrodden we are because being strong independent women we don’t allow that to happen to us.

Man bashing seems to be the latest female sport and quite frankly it is more than a little nauseating, we women hated life when men constantly put us down so why are we trying to stoop to their level to prove our worth? Ladies, women will attain true equality when you stop desperately trying to prove to yourselves that your equality exists and just get on with life.

Trying to reinvent womens lib in a day when women in the west are already liberated seems to me to be trying to reinvent the wheel, at worst pointless and best a clever marketing ploy.

Of course in my mother's day there was no internet but the ladies still had coffee mornings where they could discuss issues with other women …. perhaps the internet simply needs it’s own ladies coffee mornings?

As a strong independent woman I shall simply sit quietly, run my business, enjoy my equality and freedom to express myself through my blogging (which by the way already exists).

Friday, November 19, 2010

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Confidence

(The following is a re-post from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

Confidence and its adversary insecurity have been coming up in conversation and in my mind a lot lately.  The ideas of confidence and insecurity are so multifaceted.  We could peel the layers back for days and not even tap the surface.  I have confidence and insecurity in the same areas.  My confidence in certain things sways from day to day.  I am, overall, a very confident person, but everyone has their weaknesses and their moments when they are weaker or more insecure than others.

I go to a very prestigious women's college.  I am surrounded by some of the smartest women in the nation, but the insecurity permeates.  During finals, around midterms, you can cut the insecurity with a butter knife.  During class discussions, I always make sure my thoughts are well organized before diving in.  But, even with my thoughts gathered tightly, when I start making my point, my cheeks turn a slight shade rosier.  I rarely ever feel stupid after speaking.  But, when I'm in it, I get flush and feel insecure in my ability to deliver my point clearly.  Once it's out of my head and out of my mouth, I hold my head a little higher and my confidence level increases with every assertion of my reason and ideas.  After 2 years of sweaty palms and brief moments of insecurity, I have built a level of confidence I never thought I would attain.  Logic is like antibodies for insecurity.

When I am about to meet a man for the first time, I get really nervous.  This doesn't change from date to date.  Every time I meet a new man, I still get jitters.  I don't think there is an antibody for this, because I don't really think it's insecurity.  It's more just a fear of the unknown.  I am generally just as worried that I won't like them as I am that they won't like me.  It does, however, change over time with one man.  After I have gotten to know a man a bit better, I can relax and be my normal charming self.

When I meet new friends, I am secure right off the bat.  When I meet one on one with professors, classmates and colleagues to discuss ideas, I am generally cool as a clam.  If there are no expectations, I can be charming.  I can relay my thoughts with clarity.  I can be witty and I can be relaxed.  I can engage in conversations ranging from art to politics to cars to hip hop with little-to-no trepidation.  (I did, however, have to double check my spelling of trepidation.)  But, some days, I just don't want to interact with anyone.  I hate having a pimple.  Some days I feel like my words just won't express my point of view.  These are called bad days and they don't make me any less secure, overall.

Then, there's the blog.  Since I started this blog (4 months ago, today), I have felt like I have my hand raised in class.  This has been four months of trying to articulate my thoughts before the class.  The only difference is, in the class, the judgment is mostly in my mind.  Here, I get texts, emails and sideways glances.  The negative feedback comes far less than the positive.  I get more women and men saying they love the blog than I get people passing judgment, but the negative feedback rings so much louder.

Almost as soon as I started typing this post, I got a text from a man expressing less than favorable views regarding the blog and my active role in the stories.  He suggested that I not make the blog about me.  Taking his suggestion would make my life far less complicated.  This blog has turned my life upside down in ways.  I could have made it an advice blog.  I could have kept my personal stories out of it.  The trouble is, I don't give advice.  And ... this is a blog about my life.  So, I guess I could have just not made a blog at all. Or I could have kept it anonymous.  I could have said ... Look this is life.  Don't be ashamed, but I am.  So, I'm not going to tell my story.  But, I will sit back and tell you what I think you should do.   

Trouble with that is, I started the blog because I didn't know what the hell I was doing with my life.  I was seeking relationships with the first guy I could so that I could avoid what comes when you are alone.  And even though I share my bed occasionally, I am alone.  And I am learning me and ironing out the kinks.  In case you haven't noticed, I am a wreck in the love/relationship category.  But, after flushing out some reasoned ideas on dating, I am building my antibodies and my confidence is growing.  But, it's only by telling my story that I am building my immunity.  It's only by flushing out the heartbreak and the ego jolts and confessing my love of sex, that I have been able to start dropping my walls and building my confidence. I am no role model.  I don't claim to be.  I am not even sure how you heard about this blog.  Odds are good you got it from some chain that started with one of my good friends.  Because, that's who this blog was started for.  I started it for me and my friends.  Who knew the internet was all over the world?  So, with my shaking hand raised and my face flush, my classroom has grown from 4 friends in Houston to an unknown amount of friends in Australia, Japan, Finland, England, and even Indonesia.  (That's right Indonesia ... I have Adsense and I see ya peepin' the page.)

So, my confidence is growing.  It's just hard to see, because I'm still talking in front of the class.  I haven't had that moment to sit back and say ... "Oh, now it all makes sense.  That's why I raised my hand."  When I first started going to the gym, I was intimidated by all the 'gym people.'  They all knew how to use the equipment and their push-ups looked all perfect and they could see my less than tight arms.  But now, I am strong.  I know how to use the equipment and I am kind of a beast with my push-ups.  I can only hope I get the same results from this exercise.  I hope my growth brings no one pain and that I come out a better person on the other side.  Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Crucial Dating Tips


If you're a woman having trouble getting past that first date, left wondering why he never calls back, and what you're doing wrong, here are some important tips to keep in mind the next time you get dressed and go out on the town.

The first thing to remember is that it has very little to do with you, as a person. It has nothing to do with your physical attractiveness, your personality, or anything about what makes you, you. It has everything to do with simple psychology, which is employed masterfully (whether intentionally or not) by those women who seem to have the best luck on the dating circuit. Here are five tips you can't do without.

TIP #1: Don't Treat Your Date Like It's an Interview
The is one of the most common, and most fatal mistakes made by both men and women. Sitting at dinner, searching for things to talk about to keep the silence from becoming deafening, a woman will begin asking every question in the book. From "what's your favorite color" to "where do you see yourself in five years," these questions seem harmless enough, but enough of them will sink the ship. If you feel you need these questions answered ahead of time, the best online dating services are waiting for you. Let the conversation flow naturally. If a question should arise through the normal course of talking, feel free to ask. But don't sit there and ask question after question, as if interrogating a criminal.

TIP #2: Practice a Certain Amount of Aloofness
This one is straight out of your mom's playbook, but it continues to hold water today. Guys, by and large, don't want someone they just met calling them every day and night. Every other time you feel the urge to call, let your hand do something else and let the phone chill.

TIP #3: Control Your Nerves
One of the easiest ways to wreck a first date is to let your ne4rvousness get the best of you. You start laughing at things that aren't funny, you do things you normally wouldn't do, or, worst of all, you sit in silence because you're too afraid to say anything. Relax and be yourself.

TIP #4: Be Honest
Most people, believe it or not, have a pretty good BS detector. If you have skeletons in your closet, the first date is probably not the time to bring them out into the open. On the other hand, answering questions honestly and not trying to make yourself seem like something you're not is equally important.

TIP #5: Keep Your Clothes On
Another one you might perceive to be out of your mom's handbook, but this is critical. Guys aren't going to start a long term relationship with someone who slept with them on the first night, except perhaps 30 year olds still living with their parents. They just aren't. The only thing going through their heads will be "how many other guys has she done that with?" It may be sexist, it may be wrong, but it's the truth. If you're looking to start a relationship, hold off the sex for another time.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

3 Important Things Every Woman Should Know About Calling Men


Communications are critical - we all have to talk or send signals or we won't know what to do and what is going on. But understanding some basic psychology of gender differences can make it or break it in the dating game.

Perharps you have called a guy after a great date. Is that so wrong? Actually, most of the time it might be. Complicated isn't it, this world of communications between men and women. How about texting? Is that ok? What about calling after a certain amount of time. Is that ok? Is it impossible to figure this all out? Are you doomed to being powerless? Absolutely not!

By the time you finish reading this dating advice, you will be far ahead of your friends who will wonder how you manage to handle those handsome men successfully.

There are some basic rules and information that can help you make the right moves and keep the worry monster away. we talk about these in our dating advice. Listed below are three of them.

1. If he calls and you aren't available, return the call. It's polite, it's friendly and it's the right thing to do. If you like him, this may be his time to ask you out and if you wait too long, he may think you are not interested. If you aren't interested, call him anyway. It's the right thing to do and at some point you have to learn to do the hard things in life such as telling a nice guy, "I like you , and thanks for asking me out again, but I didn't feel we had enough in common to move on to a second date."

2. You had a great date and he isn't calling. Should you call him the next day and thank him? NO! I hope you thanked him on the night of the date. Now, you wait.

3. Why are there rules? Why is a man the one who should call after a date? Hasn't the world changed? Yes, of course the world has changed in many wonderful ways for men and women. But calling after a date isn't one of them - and that's not a bad thing. Every game has rules and the dating game is no different. Play by the rules and everyone is comfortable. That's why you don't see people in restaurants standing on tables and yelling - the rules of eating out require you not act like that. They also require using utensils properly and speaking in a quiet tone of voice. The world runs smoother this way.

And the same is true of communications between men and women. Is it fair? Actually, yes. Rules allow you to know where you stand in the game of dating. If he doesn't call you after a date, you know he doesn't want to go out again. At least not now. Ok, that's a bummer - but it frees you up to move on to the one who can't wait to call you and see you again after a date.
.
If you really need to talk about "the night before" - call a friend. Tell her the good, the bad, and the ugly. And then, go play a game of tennis or do some work, or call another friend. Go have a life - the more you do that, the less you will care if he calls, and the happier you will be whether he does or not. Life is not lived on the cell (not completely anyway!). So go do something and see how interesting you are to him when he calls and you are out doing something!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Seriously, Are You Ready for a Relationship?


There are 5 things you must have to be ready for a serious relationship:

1. Have your own life

Guys love it when women have their own lives. When you have your own life, you become instantly more desirable because you’ll be more interesting to talk to and guys will feel like dating you is a challenge (in a good way). That being said, always return calls promptly, no matter how busy you are. You want him to have to chase you, but you don’t want him to think you’re impossible to catch. 

2. Be emotionally available and get the attitude that works

If you’re in the stage of not being over your ex boyfriend, you can date casually all you want, but realize that you can’t emotionally commit to a new guy if you still love your ex. The next stage people go through after a breakup is, “I just don’t want to date right now” or “I love being single”. It is a waste of your time to look for a match if you are in one of these stages.

You need the attitude that works for dating, which is the power of attraction. Think that you are going to meet your match, and you will put energy and time to that. You have to realize that you will have bad dates and disappointments before you meet your match, but you need to find the right attitude, time and emotional availability. Most people give up before they meet their match. 

3. You are confident

The #1 thing guys say they want in women is confidence and style. In fact, around 92% of men asked specifically for a confident and trendy woman. A confident and trendy woman is an attractive (note I didn’t say beautiful!) woman and irresistible to men.

The saying goes, “If you can’t love yourself, what makes you think somebody else will?” There’s a lot of truth to that, and you should take it to heart. You must learn to love yourself if you expect to love someone else and have him love you back.

You should invest time in your mind, body and soul if you want to become confident. Go to the gym, go shopping, get your hair done, invest in your health, read a good book, meditate, take a class, etc.  Plus, each small success you have will boost your confidence. That’s not all you need to become confident if your current confidence level is zero, but it’s a good place to start. 

4. Have the right expectations

The biggest problem I see is that women are not prepared for dating. They had too high of expectations for who their match should be, and they would chase men who would never like them back. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself who would want to be with a woman like me for the rest of his life?  The two best things to do are to improve yourself or lower your expectations. 

5. You are ready to dedicate time and play the numbers

A survey of 1,000 women I conducted suggests that it takes 80% of women approximately 16 dates at a local dating service or 36 dates through online dating sites to be find their matches. Although you can find love after only 4 dates if you’re lucky, it takes most of us (myself included) A LOT longer.
Data from the thousands of women also suggest that most women give up dating after only 6 dates. You have to be ready to play the numbers and go on as many dates as possible. If you’re not willing to date at least twice a week, you might not be ready to be in a serious relationship. If you can’t find the time to date and you’re not emotionally available, what makes you think you’ll have the time and energy to have a relationship with your match?