Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Of Dos and Don'ts

When discussing the search for a mate or even someone to "hang out with" (a polite euphemism for sex), a woman will often speak of men in terms of dos-- things a man should do, or be. Example: He should take me out to nice places. --or-- He should be at a certain level professionally.

When discussing what a woman is willing to do to attract a man of dos she will turn her vocabulary, switching to that all-time negative, I don't. Example: I don't do oral.

If you insist on using this inverted math past age 30, it'll only add up to one thing: You being sporadically coupled yet ultimately single... for life.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

If You're Not in a Movie, Your Sex Doesn't Need a Sountrack

Women typically like to have music played while they have sex. Sometimes it’s because they don’t want anyone else (like their or the guy’s roommates) to hear the sound of their rutting. But more often than not it’s because women, as in all dealings with the opposite sex, require an “experience.”

Nothing puts a women “in the mood” like mood music, and to be sure music does create a certain type of atmosphere. When a woman is being plowed to Maxwell’s cover of “This Woman’s Work” mere casual sex becomes spiritual lovemaking.

Problem is, men sense this kind of prop as an attempt to attach more to the immediate act than is actually there. If a man chooses to play music while boning then it’s usually something that he can set his rhythm to (strippers, too), such as Ludacris’s “Pussy Poppin’” or Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch.” A slow jam a la Robin Thicke set on repeat might make you feel like a lady but it will make him feel like the supporting character in someone else’s erotic story.

Advice? Skip the music. If an orgasm is your aim, the man on top of you should be screwing to the sound of a metronome, if anything.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Women are Like Cars (to Men)

Ladies, think of yourselves as a single car, on the lot of a single car dealership-- anywhere in the world.

A man who’s been browsing the lot sets his eyes on you… likes what he sees… approaches you. He gives you a once over and asks the salesman about you. He hears good things but more than that he’s blown away by how good you look-- and how good he’d feel being inside you. He asks for a test drive; permission granted!

The man takes you out for a spin. He falls in love with the beauty, the power, the design. You’re not so good on gas mileage and maintenance is a bitch, but what the hell? Your smell is intoxicating and the purr you make is music to his ears. He’s inclined to buy, definitely.

Back to the lot for a purchase then, yes?

Not quite. As he gets out of the car, the smell leaves his nose and he no longer hears the purr. His eyes are wandering, toward a car nearby. She’s different from you, maybe a bit bigger (roomier), maybe not as sleek, and her color is not to his liking at all. But… he hasn’t driven her yet. Curiosity is killing him. As he approaches this car he sees other cars he’d like to test out. Then it dawns on him: “I don’t have to settle on one car just yet; I can test drive every car on the lot, on every lot I care to visit.”

This should stop you wondering why a man wanders even if he considers you a good catch. Buying a car is expensive, and he’s not done test driving. Truth told, he might never be. The world is full of cars.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Your List is Bunk

You know that list you have with all the things a man should be or have in order to get with you? The one you’ve been cultivating since middle school? The one that gets lighter by about three or four items each year?

Yeah… ball that shit up and throw it in the garbage.

Lists are for Santa Claus and Steven Spielberg films. It’s too bad you can’t marry your list, because you’ll never find a man you really like who crosses off all items. “But my list isn’t long,” you say. “I just want a man who’s cute and/or financially strong and/or has a house and/or is funny and witty and sensitive but not a punk and/or can defend me in a fight and/or wants marriage and kids and/or shares my religious and political beliefs and (no ‘or’) loves me for me, imperfections and all."

Repeat: You'll never find a man you really like who crosses off all items.

FYI, men keep lists too. Lists of women who keep lists. They circulate their lists among each other so that every man knows: This woman is not to be taken seriously.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Fox in the Henhouse

There is a type of man out there who revels in cutting a swath through your little Sex and the City clique of girlfriends. If you’re talking to a guy at the club, really vibing with him, feeling that “chemistry” you women so crave, remember that he’s not only sizing you up but your friends as well.

Even if he’s into you right now he’s paying attention to your homegirl with the slutty outfit who’s been wasted since ten and almost kidnapped twice. If it doesn’t work out with you, he can switch to her. If it does work out with you, he can still get at her depending on how he works it. And if what you two begin escalates to a relationship, he knows whose shoulder to cry on if you become a problem.

Also, we know that women (especially within minorities) feel they can’t find any decent men, so if we seem to be the perfect partner for you then it’s certain at least one of your friends will notice all too well.

"If you try to get at my friend," you assume, "she’ll realize you’re a dick, reject you, and run to tell me."

Will she? Will she?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Booty Call FAIL

If a man hits you with a booty call but then abruptly hits you again shortly thereafter to cancel, there are two likely reasons for this.

He initiated a BCB (booty call blast): he sent a stock message out to multiple women at the same time; the ones who answer are then engaged simultaneously, weeding out those who are indisposed, unwilling to accommodate, moronically inquisitive (e.g. “Why are you calling me so late at night?”), or those seeking emotional compensation; if more than one chick is down, the “winner” is determined by a points system (hotness, freakiness, proximity, chattiness, culinary skills, odor [you heard me], sense of humor, etc.) – Needless to say, you may not be the last booty call standing.

He called “Palmela” off the bench instead: sometimes a man will masturbate before a booty call arrives, either to calm his urges or to last longer during actual coitus; problem is, the refractory period kicks in and he no longer desires sex; in this moment of clarity he realizes how much hassle having sex with you would be—idle talk, foreplay, cunnilingus, sexual exertion, post-coital chat, getting rid of you—and decides it’s not worth it.

What can you do? Shower and get over to his place ASAP… if you want the business, that is.

Monday, February 22, 2010

hes jus not that n2 u

If a man texts you all or almost all the time, he doesn’t find you all that interesting outside the bedroom. Text messages don’t allow for long-windedness. A text is, by its very essence, short and to the point. (Note: If your text is long and has to be sent in multiple messages, for him that’s an automatic FAIL.) Men use texting because we’re all about info relay-- what is necessary for us to make our point. The point for the average man is sex and he doesn’t want to hear about your day in order to get to that. Texts simplify.
[What r u doin?]
[Bored. U?]
[Can I cum over?] (This is the text equivalent of a double-entendre.)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Another Harsh Truth

If you’re not having sex with your man, he’s either cheating on you or seriously contemplating cheating on you. If he hasn’t it’s most likely because he can’t get any from another woman-- yet.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Are You a 10:30 or a 1:50 Girl?

Ever been out with your girls, looking good and wearing a hot outfit, and not gotten hit on until just before the club/bar/event ends? You might be a 1:50 girl who thinks she's a 10:30 girl. Here's the lowdown:

10:30, aka The Conquest. You've shown up early to the club because it's free before a certain time or the event promoter is letting you and your crew slide (he wants to sleep with you). As soon as you enter you need "holla repellant" to keep at bay all the guys trying to holla at you and get a win. You're the 10:30 girl, the creme de la creme, the one men will pursue early and often.

1:50, aka The Consolation. Party's almost over. The 10:30 girls have either chosen or decided no one in the club is worthy. The uncoupled men are getting more desperate, wanting to have something to show for having taken a serious bath and put on an outfit with minimal wrinkles and Keebler elf shoes.

Most are drunk and incapable of or unwilling to distinguish between class and trash; they'll take whoever's down. If no one's approached you until now this might be you. You're the bargain bin, the bottom of the barrel... the worst of the best, or the best of the worst (it's all perspective). But at this time of the night, he'll take it!

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Faux Bidding War (A Buy Now! Tactic)

In the first revelation of Buy Now! Tactics-- techniques men use to close when a woman shows reluctance to have sex right away-- we examine the "Faux Bidding War."

This is a rare yet very effective (more than you'd like to believe) technique. Let's say you're at a club with a guy. He leaves you to go buy drinks. While at the bar he offers to buy a pretty woman a drink if she'll help him. Her job: to walk up to you, point back at him and ask, "Is that your boyfriend?" "No, but we're on a date," you'll say. "Oh... well he's cute. You're lucky," after which she walks away. This increases his stock and the feeling that if you don't close on him now, some other woman-- perhaps one better looking than you-- will nab him.

"That's stupid. That doesn't work."

Doesn't it?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

A Compliment (Sometimes Back-Handed)

You may have heard a man say "You can get the business," meaning he'd readily have sex with you. Don't get too excited. Depending on which words he emphasizes, as well as a choice grammatical substitution, the compliment has two meanings.

"You can get the business (this will sound like 'biz-ness')!": He wants you, needs you, has to have you, because getting with you would be like winning the World Series... of poker. [Listen for the exclamation point.]

"You can (or, mostly likely, 'could') get the business.": He wouldn't need a gun pressed to his head to get with you, but he'd rather look elsewhere before settling.

Glorified Prostitutes

Most, if not all, women are considered to be glorified prostitutes by men. Here’s how we see it. If a man showed up to a woman’s house and only wanted to have sex she’d think he didn’t respect her and thought she was easy, that he didn’t have to work for her affection. A man can never be sure he’ll get sex from a woman (unless he assaults her), so everything he gives of himself is potentially a complete waste. Money is usually the thing we most lament wasting, but that can be regained. Time, once lost, is irreplaceable. We can’t get back that two hours we wasted listening to things you said that didn’t interest us—and probably wouldn’t any other man—in the least. Waste a man's time and he'll hate you like the devil.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Making an Ass Out of You and Me

If you meet a man at the club and the two of you hit it off, don’t assume that he’ll call you because you two exchanged phone numbers. A man will never refuse a woman’s number; you never know what could happen. But if the man wanted sex that night and you didn’t put out, or if you gave him reason to believe he’d be “building something special” rather than “hitting something special” in the near future, he’ll probably pass on a call.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"I Tend to Attract a Lot of ____________."

Women will often say that they attract a certain type of guy, often an asshole or loser type. It's typically said as a matter of fact, as if there's no fault accruing to the woman and nothing to be done about it. It's simply something to be lamented. In reality it's a cop-out. Men are going to be men. For most of us that means chasing new pussy and treating old pussy like those old shoes you keep in the back of your closet, but there are those out there who won't treat you like shit (to your face, at least). It's up to you; you are what you attract.

Another Harsh Truth

For most men the truth is their servant, not their master.

A Weighty Issue

There's a certain type of man who loves "big beautiful women." The rest of them require that you work out. Don't do it for any one man; do it for all men-- and yourself, of course. Many women end up as just an after-hour booty call-- and thus an afterthought-- because a man they like would rather see them face down with their gut disappeared into the mattress. If you escalate to a relationship and then get fat on him (without having any kids), it's safe to say he'll cheat on you with a skinny bitch. Skip the Spanx and get a gym membership. Be somebody he would want to show off and he'll be less inclined to treat you like a gargoyle.

Side Note for White Women: There's been a misunderstanding among you that if you're big with a fat ass you'll be accepted by black men. FAIL. They like "thick" women, those who look like could survive a few days without food, but they're not certified chubby chasers. And when they say "fat ass" they're referring to how your butt protrudes in profile, not how wide your hips are.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sarah Silverman You Are Not

Want to impress a man you just met? Don't try to be funny. Seriously. For myriad reasons I won't go into, men just don't think most women are funny. We think you do funny shit, but we don't see your comedic value beyond pure slapstick (like you limping around because one of your heels broke off). Leave the jokes to us. Just standing there and laughing doesn't make you a second-class citizen. Asking us to buy you a drink does.

A Few of His Least Favorite Things

Things women talk about on dates that men don’t care about:

* Your job, what goes on there, who you hate, your worries about getting laid off, etc.
* Where you went to school, where you want to go to school, what you’re studying or have studied, your degrees, if you’re working on a Master’s or Ph.D., etc.
* Your kids
* Your take on current events
* How you’re trying to get in shape (too late)
* Pets
* How much you paid for the outfit and shoes you have on tonight, as well as the story of how you acquired either
* Your current or future goals ("I'd love to run a 5K marathon!")
* How much you love or hate _____________.
* The dude you just broke up with
* Your friends (unless we’ve met them and they’re as hot as you)
* Your religious and/or political views

So, what should I talk about?

Discuss your expectations... seriously. A man, depending on what he wants-- which is often sex-- would appreciate knowing how far he can go and how soon. If it's not sex he wants then it's a question of what either of you require from a potential relationship. Marriage? Summer love? Seeing other people? A woman who shows her cards saves herself that most important asset: her time.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

New Shoes

A basic truth: Men want new pussy the way women want new shoes.