Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


(The following is a reprint of an Ezine article written by Heather Jennings.)

If you and your partner have been spending less time lovemaking lately, it's possible you've lost some sexual desire. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone is guilty of getting swept up in their own lives and putting lovemaking aside every so often. The important part is getting you and your partner back into the swing of things.

These natural aphrodisiacs will stimulate your senses and make you yearn for some bedroom time within hours.

If you're not familiar with what aphrodisiacs are, you're really missing out. A natural aphrodisiac is a food or substance that arouses and intensifies your sexual desire. They're found all around you in foods and scents. Here, I'll be listing a bunch of aphrodisiacs you can start benefiting from immediately. Get ready to get the urge!

1. Oysters
These are probably the most famous food aphrodisiac. Oysters are high in zinc, a necessary component for sperm production. They're also incredibly high in D-aspartic acid and N-mthyl-D-aspartate. Those are two ingredients that raise testosterone levels in men. This has a direct effect on the libido and stirs up a man's desire.
The texture of oysters also provides an aphrodisiac response for both men and women. The slurping of the salty brine as been reported by many to be an erotic foreplay to a night of passion. Sometimes eating these appetizers alone will direct your thoughts to a night of lovemaking. If you love the taste of oysters, it's an added bonus.

2. Yohimbe
Yohimbe is an evergreen tree, growing in Africa, Nigeria and the Jungles of the Congo. The bark of the tree is extracted and broken down into pill form to give the user the desired effect. This supplement is most well known for naturally increasing libido size and curing erectile dysfunction.
It works by increasing blood flow to the penis. Most health food stores in your area sell this stuff, so it's readily available. That said, you don't want to take Yohimbe if you have a heart condition. It does cause an increase in blood pressure and may have side effects including heart palpitations and anxiety. Just be safe and review all potential side effects before diving in.
I hope that little disclaimer didn't scare you off. The fact is, yohimbe is such an effective aphrodisiac that it's prescribed in concentrated form. The major drawback to consider though is that it's hard to gauge how much of the active ingredient you're receiving through each non-prescription dose of Yohimbe. Sometimes you'll get too light a dose and feel little effect and sometimes you'll get too high a dose and have insomnia or other "speedy" results.
Try it out and see for youself. Just speak with your doctor first to determine if Yohimbe is right for you.

3. Celery
Celery contains the male hormone androsterone. This is a bonus for both you AND your partner. Androsterone stimulates sexual arousal in women. The chemical is released after eating through perspiration and functions as a pheromone that increases sexual desire in women.

 4. Chocolate
Chocolate releases serotonin in the brain. As you probably know, serotonin is responsible for feelings of relaxation and pleasure. Dark chocolate is preferable as it contains a higher level of the active ingredient, cocoa. Eat a delicious, gooey, chocolate desert the next time you and your partner are out to dinner. It's sure to inspire feelings of love and playfulness between the two of you. 

5. Vanilla
Get in the mood with the natural flavor and scent of vanilla, a proven aphrodisiac. Vanilla can be used by women to get a man into a happy and sensual mood. The scent of vanilla is recognized by the hypothalamus, a part of the brain that controls memory and emotion. Once stimulated by vanilla, a man's emotions will be associated with feelings of security, nurturing and relaxation.
Although it may not be an aphrodisiac for women, vanilla is definitely a way to get your man into a more "cooperative" state of mind. Try out this aphrodisiac tonight and seduce your lover on the sly.

6. Chili Peppers
Guaranteed to spice up more than your taste buds, chili peppers will have you and your lover sizzling with passion before the night is through. Chili peppers work as an aphrodisiac by releasing endorphins in your brain. Endorphins are "feel good" chemicals that will have the two of you smiling and eyeing each other down with eager indulgence.

7. Ginger
Whether you're enjoying raw ginger or the cooked form in your favorite foods, this wonder spice acts as a stimulant to the circulatory system. As an added bonus, ginger settles the stomach so if digestive troubles have ever gotten in the way of your lovemaking before, this natural aphrodisiac should do the trick. Personally, I like to eat ginger with sushi or as ginger dressing in salad. However you incorporate it, ginger is a great way to conveniently cook up some loving.

8. Honey
Ever wonder where the expression "Honeymoon" comes from? In ancient Egypt, newly married couples would be encouraged to consummate their marriage after the ritual drinking of Mead. Mead is a fermented beverage from honey and water used in the nuptial ceremonies. "Moon" represents the idea that conception is most promising under the full moon. White Honey is an aphrodisiac and has been scientifically proven to create sexual energy and lustful desire between couples. Try adding some to a soothing cup of tea tonight before cozying up with your partner.

9. Pine Nuts
If you're not a huge fan of oysters but still want the sexual benefits of zinc, Pine Nuts are an easy alternative. They're available everywhere and are also loaded with zinc. Zinc of course has the sexual benefits of testosterone production and increased sperm count. It also stimulates the libido for heightened sensitivity to lovemaking as well as increased sexual urge. Additionally, pine nuts have very high levels of protein which stimulate hormone production. This leads to further desire for sexual fulfillment. You really can't lose with this terrific natural aphrodisiac.

10. Asparagus
This well known aphrodisiac is chock full of chemicals to trigger sexual response. Containing, phytohormones, asparagus stimulates sexual receptors in the brain and is particularly effective in women. It's an easy way to stay healthy while satisfying your sexual appetite.

Monday, August 30, 2010

One Date, Two Dates...

A reader asked me if, since I was all for women asking men out on dates, I thought it was okay for a woman to date multiple men at one time.

Of course, you should.  Why not?  I mean you don't dance with one guy in the club all night, do you?  So why are actively dating women so quick to handcuff one dude and be like, "I'm just gonna focus on this one and see where it goes"?

For the record, dating around and sleeping around are not the same (though not mutually exclusive).  You don't have to bang them all, although by a man's logic it's only good sense to know how the car drives before signing any papers.

Dating is not a relationship, it's not marriage.  Your options with the opposite sex will never be so wide open (unless you do porn), so don't limit yourself.  And don't limit your dates.

Sunday, August 29, 2010


I know a woman who once fantasized about being hog-tied before sex.  I didn't meet her at some sketchy club or bar, mind you.  We already had a friends-with-benefits arrangement -- one where the two people aren't just pretending to be friends -- and she felt comfortable enough to reveal this to me on a long drive ... to the porn store, of all places.

I've always been a fan of kink, not expressing it so much as discovering it in women.  Girls you'd never suspect telling you they wished your bed was a dumpster behind a busy restaurant.  Chicks who want you fresh out of the gym -- no shower.  Sounds crazy, or gross, but it's as real as a fuck buddy can get.

And for men, it's all about the stories.  That said -- and I've touched on this before -- you have to know that the stranger your sexual proclivities the more likely you are to end up the subject of a morning roundtable at IHOP.  Rest assured, it's more veneration than degradation.

"Hey, anybody ever fuck with a chick who made animal noises when she came?"  Thanks to you, your bedroom boyfriend can now raise his hand and feel superior.

So out with your kink!  Whether you have a pole in your house or like to watch yourself on tape -- secure the evidence, please -- be sure to cultivate a strong enough relationship with a guy you like and respect and who won't try to shove every inch in your ass like it's already been paved and fitted with streetlights.

There, I said it.

"Doesn't matter how I say it ... so long as it's said." -- the author's reply to a fan's complaint about his "rude" style of writing

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Ask Him Out -- Today

It's always funny to me the light hypocrisy of women asserting that they're strong, independent, intelligent, beautiful, etc., and then in the same breath declaring that they could never ask a man out on a date.

You don't want a man who's a coward, but...

I get it.  Women are sensitive.  "If he says no, it could mean I'm not attractive enough, not interesting enough, not charming enough."  Maybe... or it could mean that he simply wasn't the one.  On to the next one.

If there's a guy out there you like, ask him out.  Be firm with him; it's what men respond to.  Once you know he's free, be like, "Let's meet up at ________ and have drinks.  Say, seven-thirty?"  The first sentence is declarative, more assertive (which modern young woman claim to be).  The second leaves room for his involvement and mutual negotiation about the event.

If he says no then he says no.  If you're not full of shit with the things you say to intimidate other men -- "I'm too much woman for most of you to handle" -- then you'll simply assess this man as one who wasn't ready for you.  Avoiding asking a man out because you're scared is the ultimate self-betrayal.  Who can you blame when it's you cheating yourself?

Friday, August 27, 2010

(Answers to) Unisex Survey, Part Deux #11

Have you ever had sex with a platonic friend? Explain.
not for lack of trying but no
What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship?
4 yr, all thru high school
You find yourself attracted to someone and decide to make the first move. What's your approach?
try not to say stupid shit
What's your favorite time of the day to have sex and why?
right after work when i'm pissed
What do you think are your chances of finding the perfect mate?
i don't know
Cuddle or no cuddle?
not into it but if she say she want it okay
What are your feelings about public displays of affection, yours and others'?
i don't like that shit lol
Is there anything about the opposite sex that intimidates you?
cockblockin ass females

Thursday, August 26, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 20

Ole "Amistad" lookin' ass...
This is the pic that launched a thousand ambiguous inbox messages.

Admittedly, I work hard in the gym and I want people to see as much.  I'm not one of those people who can eat burritos after ten and still wake up with a six pack.  It takes effort.  That said, I appreciate the love and the lust that comes my way via Facebook.

But only from the women.

There's this gray area in my inbox where I receive the strangest (moistest) messages from other dudes.  Thing is, I never know where it's going until I respond to the first random volley -- something like "Sup, man.  Damn, you really work out hard."  Okay, no big deal; response: "Thanks, bro."  A majority of the men who inbox me ask for legitimate advice -- they want their abs to show or their chest to pop -- but there are some who take it a bit too far.

"Maybe we should work out together."

What?  We don't even live near each other, dude.  Pause.

This type of thing happens every other week.  Some dude hits me up with a series of zesty FB messages filled with innuendos and heavy-handed attempts to investigate my private life.  So while I may not know what it is to be a woman I do know what it is to be approached by sketchy men.

I have a gay friend from college who now lives in Chicago.  When he first came out, me and few others from the crew -- being the progressives we were -- agreed to "chaperone" his first forays into Oak Lawn, Dallas' version of The Castro in San Francisco.  Never had I felt so uncomfortable, not because I was in the midst of gay men but because some of them were coming at me the way straight men come at women.  Crazy stares, up-and-down eye scans, elbow grabbing, whistles and calls of "Where your man at?  You can't have friends?!?"

That was years ago but the feeling came back when I start receiving these messages on Facebook.  I can only imagine that an attractive woman's FB account is close to crashing from all the unsolicited "love" by men who want nothing more than to taste ... then tell.

But the pic stays up!  Why?  Because for every whacked-out message from a Chester there are two or three more from attractive women seeking friendship, or something like that.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Although the term is more peculiar to the Nineties (the modern term is "Maintenance Man") the Splackavellie has his place in the world.

Every man can't be a knight in shining armor, a complete gentleman -- the good guy.  Some men are only good for one thing -- or a couple of things -- and should be judged on what they do rather than what you wish they'd do.

The Splackavellie knows that he isn't boyfriend material, that he's the dick in a glass case for when your man fucks up.  That's his role, not driving kids to judo practice.  You might do well to have one in your life.  Just don't try and change him.  An apple is not an orange, a hammer not a saw.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

How to Identify a Narcissistic Partner

(This test was obtained from an article[1/4] written by Mark Goulston, M.D.)

Use this Narcissist Inventory as a useful guide, rating your partner -- or prospective suitor(s) -- on a 1-to-3 scale (1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently):

  1. How often does the person need to be right at all costs?
  2. How often does the person act impatient with you for no good reason?
  3. How often does the person interrupt you in the middle of what you're saying, and yet take offense if you interrupt?
  4. How often does the person expect you to drop whatever you're thinking about and listen to him or her--and does the person take offense when you expect the same in return?
  5. How often does the person talk more than he or she listens?
  6. How often does the person say "Yes, but," "That's not true," "No," "However," or "Your problem is"?
  7. How often does the person resist and resent doing something that matters to you, just because it's inconvenient?
  8. How often does the person expect you to cheerfully do something that's inconvenient for you?
  9. How often does the person expect you to accept behavior that he or she would refuse to accept from you?
  10. How often does the person fail to say "Thank you," "I'm sorry," "Congratulations," or "Excuse me" when it's called for?
To score your inventory, add up the total:
10-16 =The person is cooperative
17-23 = The person is argumentative
24-30 = The person is a narcissist

Monday, August 23, 2010

For When a Jump-off Goes On...

Jump-off: A female who is available any time and any place for any type of sexual encounter (according to the Urban Dictionary)

Sometimes, a jump-off goes beyond a one night stand.  Should this happen, a few things to keep in mind:

Leave a toothbrush at his place... but don't make it too "girly" and don't try and lay it up next to his (y'know, like "His" and "Hers").

Do send dirty text messages... but only after dark; that is your time... the time of the Jump-off... when the freaks come out.

Spoon... but don't cuddle.

Pride yourself on knowing things about him that most people don't... but keep your motherfucking mouth shut.

You can ask to go out on a "date"... but don't press it if you value being his ongoing jump-off.

Rock his world... but don't try to live in it.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

From a Blog I've Recommended

(The following is a reprinted post [8/13] from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

Morning Glory

How is it possible that the whole world doesn't wake up fuckin'? (Normally I try to save profanities for the middle or end of a blog post, but I am very passionate about this subject.) Morning sex is my favorite pastime. I challenge you to try to think of a better way to prime a good day? Nothing says a day of success and healthy outlooks like a morning orgasm. Nothin'. Even when I am tired and wanting to sleep, even when I push and pull away at first, I always give in. Sometimes I just have to wake up a little more and get some perspective; you know, remember what's important in life.

Morning sex is the perfect combination of innocence and grime. Your hair is messed up, your breath is stank. Your vision hasn't adjusted yet. Shits all bright. But at the same time, you are new to the world. It's a brand new day. Anything could happen. Birds are chirping, roosters are crowing and you are cumming. Like something out of a fairy tale.

My personal favorite is "The Presentation." In the spooning position, I ease back, press up against him and present. If he didn't wake up first, I slowly wind my body up against his until he's awake and hard. More likely than not, he will grab my hip and pull me against him. This gives a little early morning rush, then it's on from there. No talking, no seduction, no foreplay. We have to be ready for work in 30 minutes. Time to get down to business.

On a weekend morning, Morning Glory can lead you to a full day of sex. On a weekday it can lead to a good day at work and on a Monday, it sets the perfect stage for a killer week. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday it is just required to get you through the midweek lull and Friday sex is just a given. It's the cherry on top of an already oversexed week!

*Morning Glory is never to be used to replace the 'nooner'. There is no reason why you can't have both.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

(Answers to) Unisex Survey, Part Deux #10

Have you ever had sex with a platonic friend? Explain.
Yeah, we did it quite a bit.
What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship?
1 year
You find yourself attracted to someone and decide to make the first move. What's your approach?
just try to say somethin funny
What's your favorite time of the day to have sex and why?
Right after I wake up... all that nervous energy.
What do you think are your chances of finding the perfect mate?
wow, who knows?
Cuddle or no cuddle?
No cuddle
What are your feelings about public displays of affection, yours and others'?
It freaks me out when others do it but I've done it so...
Is there anything about the opposite sex that intimidates you?
LOL are you kidding me??

Friday, August 20, 2010


Hey, want to see your man freak the fuck out?  Let him know you've fallen off on your birth control regimen, but that you know everything will be okay no matter what comes of this.


There isn't just a condom for men out there but now there's one for women as well.  Don't like those?  How about a diaphragm?  Too old-fashioned?  Too much like Mom?

They have implants that are supposed to work for a number of years, but then you might fuck around and forget that number.

They have injections... unless you're squeamish around needles.  Then there's the patch which I think is great if you're already rocking a nicotine patch on the other arm -- it's call symmetry, people.

Say what?  It's an emergency?  Thank God it's 2010 'cause they've got a pill you can take the morning after; it's simply called the "morning after pill."  My friends and I call it a M.A.M. (Morning After Mickey) since we're not above slipping it into your coffee at breakfast to ensure the afterglow doesn't glow on for eighteen-plus years.

The point is, there's no excuse.  It shouldn't even escalate to the point where we men are forced to either lie through our teeth or do something cowardly.  It's the ability to enjoy sex without producing children that separates us from the animals -- so let's act like it.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Call of Booty

Two scoops of Claude Hammercy.

There are, for the record, three kinds:

Ass looks like this...
No ass looks like this...
And negative ass looks like this.

Class dismissed.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 19

Certain facts (in no discernible order):

I co-own and co-manage a small media production company.

I take really long showers.

I'm horrible with names but I (almost) never forget a face.

I hate talking on the phone and do it as little as humanly possible.

I'm not a boob man... but I like to stare at boobs.

I like my sistas dark-skinned.  I like my white girls with dark features (unless she's a redhead).

I like to do activities most people consider social -- going to the movies, for example -- all by myself.

I know how to swim but have a deathly fear of drowning.

My first meal of the day is always oatmeal.

I have the same birthday as Saddam Hussein (April 28).

I have no tattoos.

I plan to write a book from this blog starting Valentine's Day 2011.

Cheese doodles are my weakness.

I hate Tyler Perry more than the Nazis.

Milk doesn't agree with me.

I do an impression of Frederick Douglass that is, I think, a bit more authentic.

My mother reads this blog.

So do my "sisters," a collection of young women who, while acknowledging that I'm an asshole, provide me with as much love and encouragement as an only male child can stand.

I get a pedicure at least once a month.

I've kept the ticket stub for every movie I've seen since I was fifteen.

A wig by itself is creepy to me.

I get lost very easily.

There are things I love more than women -- but not many.

I don't have kids or want them, but there is a little boy who is like a son to me.

I know how men really think.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Kelly Ripa, Wifey

"I'm about to represent... 'cause I'm a representer."
My mother is a HUGE All My Children fan, so I remember Kelly Ripa from her days playing "Hayley."

She turns 40 this summer and she's never looked better. Her diet and workout regimen have transformed her into something better, faster, stronger since birthing three children.  She looks better now than she did in her twenties and she even makes breast cancer research fundraising look sexy (see pic).

Her husband is one-time AMC co-star and sometime Regis and Kelly co-host (when Regis is getting his Mr. Burns life-extension treatments) Mark Consuelos who seems impervious to time or stay-at-home dad duty.

She's broken away from soap opera limbo to become a multi-faceted tv host, author, motivational speaker, and occasional model (for charity, of course).

What does this have to do with you?  You're not on TV, you don't have a trainer and nutritionist to keep you small and waifish, and the only Marks that step to you look less like Consuelos and more like Zuckerberg (minus the dough).  Why care?  Because when men dream of being married -- it does happen -- we dream of being married to someone like Kelly Ripa, a multitasker who doesn't take herself too seriously and isn't afraid to hurt a little in order to maintain her sexy.

And I hear she can hold her own against Rachel Ray in the kitchen.  Damn you, Consuelos.  Damn you to hell!!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Are You Ready for Some Football?

If not, it's time to bone up.  From now until February the best and worst of us (men) will be huddled together at sports bars across the nation, waiting to see if our team will be number one.

If you want to roll with that special guy and his friends be prepared to observe the rules of the outing.  When men are bonding with other men over football, normal codes concerning table manners and appropriate language go out the window.  Nothing outside of football is to be seriously discussed (except that awesome movie trailer that just aired during commercials).

If you know little or nothing about football then don't attempt to wax philosophical -- just cheer when points are scored.  If you know everything about football then don't rub it in; you'll have impressed yourself and ensured you won't be invited back.

And try not to wear a pink jersey.  It tells us you came out not so much to support the team as to look cute.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Strip Club Revelations

1. When a stripper gets to "jigglatin'", all her imperfections melt away.

2. The smell of sweaty weave is nauseating.

3. Men want love, but what they want even more is an ass bouncing off their chests to the rhythm of "Oh myyyyyyyyyy gosh..."

4. A cheap pair of stillettos can turn any woman into a goddess of love and sex and magic.

5. "No touching!!!"

6. After midnight, rubbing a stripper's ass is like enduring a clammy handshake from a stranger.

7. You can get punked into paying for a dance you didn't request.

8. Every wannabe wife should be required to take pole dancing/ stripper classes, but should only be trained in the "ghetto shaker club" style of performance -- to hell with that Carmen Electra shit.

9. Strippers keep their panties around one ankle so as to be able to find them after servicing us; there's a lesson in that.

10. Why is there no stripper's Hall of Fame?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

From a Blog I've Recommended

(The following is a reprinted post [8/13] from the blog "My Life As A Serial Dater.")

Scared Smart

I am not a fan of acquaintances that get too familiar. I don't think being polite to you should merit your unsolicited criticisms or observations. However, I do have one of these acquaintances. I have a few, but this story only requires that I tell you about one. The other day, said acquaintance told me that she thought that I was 'scared' and that is why I didn't want a relationship. For her, 'scared' connotes weakness, an unwillingness to be daring or take risks. I do not see it that way. I think I am taking a risk by ending my search for a 'special someone.' It seems as though it's a risk either way, because you never know what you might be losing on the other side. So, who's not a little scared.

Truth is maybe she is right. I got hit by a car a few years back and you better believe my ass is scared to cross a street without looking. I have had bad relationship experiences. So, am I crazy to decide that I don't like getting hit by cars. No, I don't want to keep trying until I find the car that hurts least. I am just going to be more cautious. This is not a phobia. It's not irrational. It's actually pretty well thought out. The person that keeps stepping out into traffic might want to take another look at their actions and stop focusing so hard on mine. See, while you were staring at me, another car just hit you.

I have nothing against relationships. I don't fault people that are in them. I wish the best for everyone, but I don't want one. I thought I did for a long time. I was all about looking for that "one." I would meet a guy, sleep with him and then start trying to make him the one for me. It was this race that I really wasn't that into. Yet, failure always made me feel bad. The guys that wanted me right off always hit a brick wall. I was never into that. Never wanted it easy. It was the chase that I wanted. So many people do.

I looked around one day and I saw my friends all running. Running for careers, running for relationships. All in a race to the end. Looking for that final thing that was going to make them happy: the perfect career, the nicest house, the newest T.V., a spouse. Once we attained the these things, once we reached the next finish line in an infinite race, then we would be happy. Okay, let's note ... for some people, relationships come easy... They meet someone they get married and all is well... I am not talking about those people. I am talking about the people running ... My friends that just kept running ... Me. I had to stop running. I slowed my pace. And, slowly, I backed out of the race. There are also some people that are happy just to be racing. I am not talking about them either. I wasn't happy to be racing. I don't even like running like that. I am scared of running. I just need to take a minute to have fun and be happy with my friends, my family and myself ... oh and all the guys I'm dating.

So yes, I am scared. I am scared of putting time and energy into a pursuit that might not offer a return. I am scared of wrapping my life's value and my happiness up in the hopes of a relationship. I am scared of putting my self-worth in the hands of another person or needing validation. I am learning how to give myself those things and how to find happiness in me. As far as a relationship, I never say never. But, If it's going to happen, it will just have to happen. I will have to be swept off my feet, hit with a ton of bricks. Because, I will not be out putting my time and energy into searching for it. And I won't hang my happiness in the balance. I am happy now. Someone will have to offer a whole lot for me to want to stop dating and "settle down." And if this very hypothetical man hopes to stick around, he'd better bring the heat in the sack. 
Posted by Poly Amory.

Friday, August 13, 2010

(Answers to) Unisex Survey, Part Deux #9

Have you ever had sex with a platonic friend? Explain.
What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship?
3 months
You find yourself attracted to someone and decide to make the first move. What's your approach?
you wanna fuck! I have strong neck muscles
What's your favorite time of the day to have sex and why?
morning, there is nothing like a morning nut
What do you think are your chances of finding the perfect mate?
Cuddle or no cuddle?
depends on the person
What are your feelings about public displays of affection, yours and others'?
I like minor PDA
Is there anything about the opposite sex that intimidates you?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Women are Like Bananas (to Men)

The short and sweet:

The green banana.  Ripe but still not in its prime.  Hard to peel ... and once you have it's not as good as you imagined -- kind of funny tasting.  Ultimately unfulfilling.

The yellow banana.  Tastes like a banana should.  Hits all the right taste buds, tells the stomach to pipe down.  Can be consumed straight up or in any number of incarnations -- Nilla Wafer Pudding, anyone?

The brown(ish) banana.  Worn-out, horrible aesthetic.  Tossed around ... bruised.  Mushy.  Shriveled.  Best chucked into a post-workout smoothie and forgotten.  Sometimes tolerated but never chosen first.  Old shoe.

(This post was based on a revelation by the author while doing battle with carts and cankles in the Walmart produce rows.)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 18

I like chicks with boy cuts -- no homo (lol).

Seriously, though, I remember being out bar hopping last year and seeing this African-American sapphire with a college cut that put mine to shame.  It helped that she had a nice smile and bedroom eyes but it was that freshly-faded dome of hers that captured me.

I was in love (or as in love as the Asshole can be).

Too bad she liked girls.

From the neck down, Amber Rose is pedestrian -- for a model/stripper/video vixen, I mean.  I've seen pictures of her when she had a full head of long hair; it's just not the same.  Hook her up with the "Sisqo Caesar," though, and she joins a pantheon of personal favorites that includes the bald chick from Star Trek: The Motion Picture and Demi Moore in G.I. Jane.

(Sorry, Sinead.)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Now If Only They Made Spanx For Sex ...

But when the night falls ...
I'm never sure which way to fall on this myself.  Fact is, a lot of women out there are holding something back -- like a gut.  Peasant tops aside, it's making things weird for both of us.  I can't really put my arm around your waist or even give you the realest hug of all time.

There's something between us.

I'm not sure how much a membership at LA Fitness runs these days (I work out at a hole-in-the-wall that features an MMA room, sometime-y air conditioning and old men in the locker room whose balls hang like the KKK), but when juxtaposed with Spanx or some other "cloaking device" -- is the ghost of Houdini in there too? -- I find the former to be much more cost effective.

I (the author) will probably never be in a situation where I'll have to see most of you naked (and put my naked self on top of you) so it's not for me that I say this: Unless you're "big boned" -- yeah, the thick'ums get a pass ... if they pass -- you need to push a weight rack (and not those Spanx) to the limit.

I know, I'm horrible!  DAMN ME!!!

But I'm not wrong, and it's for you (women) that I offer my neck.  It shouldn't be left up to us men to figure out what parts of your body you're proud of and what parts you wished belonged to your archenemy -- stay away from those!!!  You might've been pre-ordained an A-cup from conception -- no complaints from the kid, I'm an ass man -- but whether you look like a sack of wet laundry or the model they used to make those Spanx is totally up to you.

I've preached this sermon before but ... *sigh*

Monday, August 9, 2010

No Strings Attached

I didn't truly understand the phenomenon until I was confronted by a woman about my own behavior.  We'd done it a few times and it was good but I felt weird when she started texting me on a regular basis.  After that I saw her in a public place -- and avoided her.

She later informed me that I didn't have anything to worry about, that she wasn't trying to tie me down or put me in the pocket.  This put me at ease because I didn't want to be tied down; there were so many other women out there for me! (I was younger and dumber, but not totally wrong.)

Anyway, I realized at this point the usual difference between a woman's no-strings-attached and a man's no-strings-attached.

If a woman who isn't interested in a relationship nonetheless finds a man who's good-looking, stable, witty, fun to be around, intelligent, good in bed, etc., her attitude is, "Stop right here.  Don't be risky with a bunch of other guys.  This one's got it all -- or almost.  I still don't want a boyfriend but..."  So despite the fact that repetition of activity with a man and the monopolization of his time are two pillars of a relationship, all she claims to want to do is hang out.

The man, on the other hand, has a different attitude: "Wow, if this girl wants me just think of how many other girls might want in on this!"  Seeing you as already serviced, he starts looking for greener pastures.  Doesn't mean he doesn't like you or doesn't want to hang out with you; it's just ... well, no-strings means no-strings.  Anything that even smacks of a relationship -- like your wanting to hang out at the farmer's market all day instead of fucking -- will cause him to do something silly like go M.I.A. on you for a month.

It's really an issue of quality versus quantity.  Some of you try to make us feel bad about wanting the quantity, but it's kind of how we're wired.  The fact that you're good-looking, stable, witty, fun to be around, intelligent, good in bed, etc. doesn't hold as much currency with us; it just confirms in our own minds that we can bag the best (Hemingway had that bad).

Sunday, August 8, 2010

(Answers to) Unisex Survey, Part Deux #8

Have you ever had sex with a platonic friend? Explain.
What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship?
2 years
You find yourself attracted to someone and decide to make the first move. What's your approach?
grab something
What's your favorite time of the day to have sex and why?
all day....duh!!
What do you think are your chances of finding the perfect mate?
Cuddle or no cuddle?
What are your feelings about public displays of affection, yours and others'?
sometimes its ok, dont care what others do.
Is there anything about the opposite sex that intimidates you?
better liers

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Blogs I Recommend

(The following is a reprinted post from the blog "My Life As A Serial Dater.")


... retentive? or ... sex?

Do you even have to ask?

It's always been a legend to me. Anal sex was something my friends talked about. They would say how much they enjoyed it and I always imagined they were lying, because they didn't want to say that they were doing something solely to please a man. It wasn't until recently that I thought about the process and wondered if it could possibly be a pleasing experience.

My ass was uncharted territory. Yes, I said "was." Well, that's not totally true. It's seen a finger... or two, but never at the same time. Nothing even close to a penis. I was always scared. I have heard horror stories about prolapsed rectums and other totally unappealing side-effects. But, I have never met anyone who has experienced anything even remotely that bad. The worst stories I got from friends were of discomfort. Nothing major. Just that it hurt a bit at first and that you have to take it slowly.

So, I embarked on a fact-finding mission. I asked friends, read medical journals, polled people on the street. I was determined to get the real scoop on anal sex. Turns out, if I tried it, I was probably going to come out unscathed. I was not totally convinced, so I put it into negotiation with my partner of choice.

There was only one guy that I could entrust with such a delicate task. So, I broached the subject. I started by finding out if my choice man had ever done it. I really wanted to try it with someone that had never done it before. Turns out, he was the perfect choice. Other than being smitten with him, he was gentle and I knew he was someone I could trust. We talked about it a bit and then our minds were made up. We were going to try it.

I still had to think about it for a while, but the more I thought and consulted friends, the more confident I became in my decision. Corporations and the IRS fuck me in the ass all the time, why not extend the invitation to the guy I was sleeping with? I was going to do it.

So, the next time I was at his place, we got all cozied up in bed and I got on top of him and, following Maria's earlier instruction, I attempted to control the flow. This wasn't working. I was very tense at first. I am not sure what happened in the middle, but I know by the end I was face down on the bed with him on top of me and I was relaxed.

It was good. The process itself wasn't great. We were both new to it. We would have to work at it a bit, but it was not unpleasant at all. Once we got into a rhythm, it was really good. I could tell it felt good for him (different, but good) and I was sucked into the overall feel. Gradually, the physical aspect felt better and better. I just had to relax and enjoy it. It was a more-than-successful attempt. We knocked it out of the park. And, we were each other's firsts. I never thought I would get to experience that with anyone again. It was nice.

So, I am no longer a butt virgin. I won't be takin' it up the rear frequently, but it was a great experience that I don't regret at all. I had the perfect storm: a great partner, a relaxed mood, a bottle of lube and my mind made up to try something new. And in the end, it was worth the research, the negotiations and the slight soreness the next day.

Friday, August 6, 2010

If He Doesn't Want to Kiss You ...

... it's no big deal.  He's probably just not that into you.

Men don't ration our kisses because we don't like the act itself; we enjoy it very much.  Rather, we're afraid that a kiss -- on the lips, usually -- will mean more to you than it does to us.

Women usually kiss as a way of getting closer, being more intimate.  Men often kiss as a way of facilitating sexual intercourse.  So we can't know for sure if your sloppy kisses are just tactile stimulation -- the kind that gets you wet -- or your attempt to make something more out of this arrangement than there actually is.

The kiss has too much attached to it in a woman's mind for it to ever be taken as seriously by men.  When you kiss us it's like you're trying to get inside us, instead of the other way around.  Ask yourself, does he ever initiate a kiss outside the bedroom, or are you the one always pushing up in his grill for that affection?  If not it doesn't mean he doesn't like you; it just means he doesn't like you like that.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

(Answers to) Unisex Survey, Part Deux #7

Have you ever had sex with a platonic friend? Explain.
What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship?
5 years
You find yourself attracted to someone and decide to make the first move. What's your approach?
Make eye contact, smile and say something witty...depending on the person I may just tell them I'm feelin them
What's your favorite time of the day to have sex and why?
afternoon, or night
What do you think are your chances of finding the perfect mate?
depends on the definition of PERFECT, i think the chances of finding someone that I vibe with and could see myself with are good, but it may take time
Cuddle or no cuddle?
If it's hot-no cuddle, i like to cuddle but for a brief period of time
What are your feelings about public displays of affection, yours and others'?
A quick kiss here or there ok, full on make-out session or groping is inappropriate
Is there anything about the opposite sex that intimidates you?
someone that is too attractive or too confident

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 17

I always laugh when people shake their heads at me and say, "I can't wait till somebody knocks you off your feet and you get married. Bunch of little rugrats running around.  I just hope I'm there."

Yeah ... I hope the forces of light and darkness are there too, 'cause that'll be the end of the world.

Seriously, I've never understood other people -- single or not -- wishing for me to end up with a wife and kids, especially if it's anathema to what I want in my life.  "Life is what happens while you're making plans," some say; then why fucking plan for anything with that logic?

People act like you're missing out on something by not being married or a parent, like it's some mysterious condition that one has to be initiated into to understand (like the Masonry, I suppose).    That might be true, but I could argue that those same people are missing out on a lot by not being single.

Thing is, I don't.

If you want to live the married life, the life of a parent, I'm fine with that.  Just don't treat me like a fringe dweller because I'm on the George Clooney Plan.  And why does Clooney get a pass anyway?  If Clooney managed the local Office Depot his bachelor status would either be derided as selfish narcissism or offered as proof of latent homosexuality.  But since he's a star ...

I don't rule out completely a life of matrimony and/or parenthood -- I don't know what the future holds for sure (just like Brett Favre's teams in the off-season) -- but I don't need folks casting lots as to when I'm going to fall from my tight rope walk.  What you should do instead is make your marriage and your kids look as appealing to me as ever.  Problem is, many of you cannot.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

(Answers to) Unisex Survey, Part Deux #6

Have you ever had sex with a platonic friend? Explain.
Yes, explain what?
What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship?
3 years
You find yourself attracted to someone and decide to make the first move. What's your approach?
What's your favorite time of the day to have sex and why?
morning, great way to wake up
What do you think are your chances of finding the perfect mate?
Already found him
Cuddle or no cuddle?
Depends on whether it's hot or not
What are your feelings about public displays of affection, yours and others'?
Is there anything about the opposite sex that intimidates you?

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Club Named Facebook

Twice as many men use Facebook to "hook up" as women.

Chatting, "liking" and "poking," inboxing -- it's all represents just another medium through which men can holler at women.

And it works!

Ladies, don't roll your eyes when you get a friend request with a suggestive message attached to it; it's all in the game.  Wherever men are and whatever we're doing, the laws of nature still prevail.  Too bad the animals don't have Facebook, but then again they don't need it -- things are simpler at that level.

Facebook might be the only way to communicate with that special guy once he's retreated into his "cave" and starts acting moody and aloof.  Just hit him up for a chat but be aware, he may be chatting up someone new.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

(Answers to) Unisex Survey, Part Deux #5

Have you ever had sex with a platonic friend? Explain.
What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship?
5 years
You find yourself attracted to someone and decide to make the first move. What's your approach?
I tell them straight up how i feel the first chance i get to see if its something worth looking into any further.
What's your favorite time of the day to have sex and why?
In the evening. That way we can really enjoy it, take our time and do everything we really want to do with no real time constraints.
What do you think are your chances of finding the perfect mate?
very high
Cuddle or no cuddle?
cuddle, if its the person im dating
What are your feelings about public displays of affection, yours and others'?
i have no problem with PDA. Its actually a good thing, in my mind, to see other people happy enough to enjoy each other and not care who sees.
Is there anything about the opposite sex that intimidates you?
not really