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Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Death Of My Life As An Online Dater

(The following is a reprint of a post on the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

No.  Not the blog.  That will be around for a while.  I am, however, calling it quits with the online dating.  This might just be temporary.  I am willing to admit that I am fickle.  I make resolutions and break them regularly.  I fall in lust at the drop of a dime and it's gone just as fast.  That's not to say I am not in touch with me or self aware.  I just enjoy the moment.  Sometimes, I enjoy it a little too much.  And, since I like to do enjoyable things, I am going to end my online dating life, for now.  It's just not for me.  As with all things, I really liked it at first.  It was exciting and it was nice to be able to cast a large net, but I think I reached the bottom of the pond.  I think, for the time being, I have met everyone there is to meet online.

When I started my online dating profile, it was like striking gold.  I felt like the pretty girl at the club.  I got hit up by good looking interesting men.  I went on tons of dates.  I had lots of sex.  I formed interesting, exciting relationships.  Then, like a once delicious loaf of bread that has sat on the counter too long, other (not-so-delicious) things started popping up.  You guys have heard some stories. But, we are going to go through it again.  This is going to be a look back at My Online Dating Life: The Good, The Bad, The Rude and The Certifiable.

In the beginning, there were The Beautiful One and Todd.  You remember them, right?  They were both cool at first.  The Beautiful One stayed cool, but Todd slipped into strange.  TBO falls into the category of The Good.  Todd has to go in a mix of The Bad, The Rude and The Certifiable. I don't really know what his story was.  He told me that his parents had never met anyone he dated.  He was turned off that I didn't immediately stop dating other guys and fall madly in love with him, but he was sleeping with other people the whole time we dated.  I don't know.  I never understood that one.  That was the beginning.

Then there was The Player.  God bless him.  He goes in The Good.  He was a one time thing that I occasionally still talk to and he was wonderful.  He was fun.  He was great in bed.  I give him 4 stars.  After The Player, we had The Soldier.  He was okay.  He was nice.  His bedroom skills were nothing to write home about, but he was a good time and he had funny stories.  He goes in The Good.

Then, there was The Powerful One.  He quite possibly falls in The Certifiable.  At the very least, he makes The Rude category.  But, after our night together, I cannot with a clear conscience say he was Bad.  He was great in bed and the conversation was interesting.  After that is when things slipped into The Twilight Zone.  After he shared his misogynist side with me, he was ousted.  He hates the blog or the fact that I write it.  Thinks its abnormal.  I have to agree.  It's out of the norm.  But, my question is, Why keep reading it and telling me your gripes about my lifestyle? If you don't like, don't read it.  That's what put him over the edge for me.

Here's a quick list of The Bad/Rude/Certifiable (I'll let you decide which is which):

  1. The guy that threw his beer can in my lawn, got too drunk to drive and had to camp out on my floor.
  2. The guy that asked if I had a medical condition and that's why I shaved my head.
  3. The guy that put mixed-race and 5'11" on his profile and put a pic that looked nothing like the 5'7" white dude that showed up at my house.
  4. The Repeat Offender - I'm just salty about that one. 
  5. The guy that came over and talked about the Illuminati and celebrity conspiracies all night.
  6. The guy that messaged me and knew about the blog and other personal things that were mentioned no where in my online dating profile... Remember him? He was the one that said I possessed "sexual agency." We'll call him The Stalker. Needless to say, I never met The Stalker. 
  7. The guy that drove two hours to sleep for two hours, freak out and pace in my room for an hour and then drive two hours back home. 
  8. The guy with the handle "Orgasmtime."
Then there is the guy that goes to school near me.  He is good.  We had sex once and we talk occasionally.  He's 28 or 29, but he reminds me of a guy that is used to dating much younger women.  His communication is a bit off and he seems to need more than he can give.  But, he's nice. He's far from bad or certifiable and he's never been rude to me.  

There's also the guy that asked me to spit in his mouth.  I am not sure where I would categorize this guy. He was mad cool aside from this one odd request in the heat of a passionate moment.  I mean, it's enough to really throw you, but I can roll with the punches.  I just don't think I want to investigate where that may lead.  I am not really one for walking into a possible ass-to-mouth request. (I stole this from my homeboy that told me another visit from this guy and I was on the road to Ass-to-mouth.)  I like to explore sex, but I am all for leaving hard-core fetish porn on the internet and not bringing it into my bed.  

Finally, we come to the close.  This is where I leave my online dating life.  The only two guys that I am currently talking to, Marlon and James, are my best finds yet.  They are both still in my life, but should they go, I am sure it will be in a fashion that leaves me with good feelings for them.  Unilke The Beautiful One, both of these guys care about me.  I will never be in love with or IN relationships with either of them, but the relationships I have with each of them are quite wonderful right now.  But, two out of a million is not reason enough for me to continue my online dating life, so with this post, I am pressing delete on my two profiles.  Msjehn30 is no more.  Now, it's just Jehn.

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