4 Things Women Don't (Should) Do When Dating

(The following is a re-print from an article on AdrianWeber.net.)

Sometimes, having the right advice can make all the difference.  This is definitely the case when it comes to dating advice for women.  In this article, I am going to go over 4 of the most common things that women don’t do when dating men.  Implementing the suggestions that I make here will give you a much higher chance of starting out your relationships with men on the right track.

Tip #1 – Define and Set Your Expectations

My first piece of dating advice for women would be to define and set clear expectations of what it is that you want out of the relationship.

a)  Know why she desires to be in a relationship  (Companionship, financial security, marriage, etc…) and what she expects to gain from being in one.

b)   Decide whether or not the man she is with wants the same things she wants (common interests, compatibility) providing she’s already in a relationship.

c)   Develop better listening and observation skills while being with your potential mate.
While doing the above, you will find that time is too valuable to waste and this will weed out the undesirables while saving yourself from much strife and heartache.

Tip #2 – Use Your Observation Skills

My second piece of dating advice for women would be to make greater use of your ability to observe and analyze a man’s behavior.  Proper observation and identification of behavior can and will make all the difference in a new relationship.

When a woman first meets the man she’s interested in, she should get to know him very well if she decides he may be someone she can see herself becoming serious with.  In the initial stages of dating, we (men) are going to want to impress you.  Let us talk and just sit back and listen.  Men reveal a lot about themselves initially when first meeting a woman.

Attend various functions with him when invited.  Observe how he interacts with his female colleagues, friends and family members alike.  Does he change in demeanor when he’s around others as opposed to when you are alone?  A woman should also know where her significant other works, know more about his family, perhaps even meeting them if possible.

Tip #3 – Know The Difference Between Honesty And Arrogance

My third piece of dating advice for women would be to understand that there is a difference between honesty and arrogance.  How fast you can make this distinction can have a huge impact on whether or not you take the next step with a man that you are interested in.

Men have to be confident in their initial approach.  Not arrogant.  There is a difference.  Also be honest from the on start of a relationship.  Research shows that women are turned on by confident and honest men.  They appreciate the honesty because a man is giving the woman the option as to whether or not she still wants to pursue the relationship after hearing what he has to say. Being honest shows confidence in a man.
I recall years ago inviting a young lady out for coffee after having a lengthy conversation.  She smiled and apologized to me indicating that she was already involved.  I simply returned the smile and informed her that I think she misunderstood my invitation.  I wasn’t asking her out on a date, I simply invited her out for coffee being that we had common interests.  Approximately two weeks after not seeing her, she invited me out to dinner asking where have I been these past couple of weeks.

Basically, we both had an interesting conversation, interesting enough to invite her out for coffee.  But I wasn’t going to mention it again.  The invite, as far as I was concerned, was me putting the ball in her court.  If she decided to pursue me she would let me know in due time.  Just like for the ladies, if a woman declines your advances after a few times of indicating your interest in her, move on.

Tip #4 – Have Your Personal Finances In Order

My last piece of dating advice for women is about money.  In past years, personal finances might not have been much of an issue for women.  This is simply no longer the case.  Women, just as much as men, should always make sure that their financial affairs are in order before pursuing a committed relationship.

Your career, financial security and having your own place are the first things that a woman generally should look at when evaluating a potential mate.  Dating is one thing but committing to someone is another.  Statistics show that over 50% of divorces occur over disputes involving money.  You can avoid being a victim of this by being financially secure before pursuing a serious relationship.

Ladies, if you take the time to address the key issues that I have outlined in this article, I am confident that you will be able to determine the pulse of your relationship.  I’d also love to hear your feedback. Whether your agree or disagree with my dating advice for women, I want to know about it – so please feel free to tell me what is on your mind.

Women and "Bad Boys": What is the Attraction?

(The following is an excerpt from an article on Consum-mate.com.)

"Bad Boys."

If you're a woman, you may be saying "hmmm" as you hear these words. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself.

There is just SOMETHING about these guys that draws you in, even as your head tells you to "beware"! So, what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily that they are more physically attractive or smarter or more successful than the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these qualities, yet be harder to resist.
So what is it? Let's begin by defining these guys. This term is generally applied to males who treat women poorly. Do these behaviors ring a bell?

• calling at 8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if you want to get together
• not showing up for a date- followed by no phone call or apology
• never having any money when you are out
• forgetting or ignoring your birthday and other important dates
• flirting openly with other women when you are together
• hitting on your good friend(s)
• making booty calls at 1am, after they've had a night out with others
• is doing time for a serious felony

Instead of asking "what is it about these guys"; let's instead examine what it is about the women who can't resist them. The following are actual statements from women who have a history of attraction to these guys. See if any of these sound familiar.

• "It's never BORING with him. He's unpredictable and exciting."
• "He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe with him."
• "It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life together."
• "I haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the way he does."
• "He's so charming and passionate."
• "He tells me how much he likes me, so he must really feel something for me."
• "He needs me."
• "He doesn't come across as needy and desperate."
• "I can't believe I've attracted someone like him."

Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign. We all seek at least some of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's the problem?

Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's fundamental needs. She is the one doing all (or most) of the giving. The question then lies in; "what's in it for her?"

The answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:

• level of self-esteem
• capacity for intimacy
• roles that she has been in throughout her life

If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected. She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.

If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.

If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the true availability of the other person. She wants him to be a full and active participant in the relationship. She can allow herself to be open, vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive all that true intimacy offers.

If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available.

If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she can continue this healthy interaction.

If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer, caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this will probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships.

Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these issues. So the task is to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a course of action that will help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being truly available for a real relationship.

Begin with an assessment of what you value most in life and cannot live without. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article on "clarifying and living your values".

Once you know what is most important to you and believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.
 

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
 
Q. I seem to have a pattern of attraction to a certain kind of guy. He's cool, reserved, hard to connect to, emotionally distant, and most of all, intense. I find this type of guy so appealing. He's not "desperate". He keeps me guessing and I'm never bored. Yet, I always end up getting hurt and stuck in a cycle of dead-end relationships.

Am I CHOOSING these guys? If so, how do I change whom I'm attracted to in order to get the kind of relationship I want? Can I be attracted to a nice guy? Can a nice guy be intense and challenging?

A. The answer lies somewhere inside of you.

For instance, you appear to believe that "nice" guys are boring and desperate.


So, yes, in many ways, you are choosing these guys. Your choice has to do with a pattern that was set in motion long ago.

The first step is to understand what need or fantasy these guys fulfill. Ask yourself:

• What do I feel when I'm with him?
• What am I getting from this relationship?
• Do I believe I can have a successful relationship?
• What are my relationship goals?
• Do I have leftover or unresolved feelings about a past relationship?
• Do I believe that there really are healthy, lasting relationships out there?

Once you really know your beliefs about relationships, know what you want from one and believe you can create a healthy, lasting one; you will be on your way to better choices of men in the future.

Distinction

(The following is a re-print of a post from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

When I tell people that I am not monogamous, they often think that I am not interested in repeat dating, or seeing the same person more than once.  They think that I somehow manage to evade, escape or deny the emotion that creates a bond between two people.  This is not the case.  Though, I often wish it was.

It's a fine line I walk.  As I have said in the past, I am not into sex for the sake of sex.  It doesn't have to be love, but it does have to be loving.  I think sex devoid of a connection is sex devoid of passion.  It all goes back to being a good lover, putting forth effort and putting yourself into your sex and into your partner, for whatever amount of time you choose to spend with them.

With some, this can be a one time act.  It can be performed without words, with only looks, smiles and touch.  You can have a sexual connection with someone, feeling their movements and reading their body to discover and fulfill their wants.  This can be a one time act and still be beautiful and fulfilling.

Or, it can be repeated and consist of more.  Sometimes, you meet someone and you have all of the things I mentioned above, while also having a connection on another level.  You can have that amazing sex, while also being able to carry on a great conversation and make each other laugh.

I think it silly to forsake this because you don't want to be monogamous.  Some connections are physical and fleeting, while others are lasting and more substantial.  They can be confused at times, but as long as honesty is the key element, I see no harm in blurring the lines a little.  I also see no point in forsaking a good thing for the sake of variety or out of the pride that comes out of knowing that you are not the only one.  Each connection is different and unique and some need to be explored longer than others.

How to Impress a Guy

(The following is an excerpt from an article on IsMyManInLove.com.)

Impressing a guy will mostly depend on the type of guy you are trying to get the attention of. If your guy is a sports fan, it may impress him if you find out as much as you can about his favorite player. This way you can join in conversations about sports with him, and since many females do not generally get involved, he will know you are willing to try.

If you are trying to impress a shy guy, take charge with him and let him know how you feel. Helping him out of a tough situation by giving advice will impress him. If he is a smart guy, learning a little about what he is the most interested in and talking to him about it will be enough to impress him. This is especially true if he knows you are not the type of female to get into that subject to begin with. It shows you are willing and able to be interested in the things he likes, and this will impress him.

In relationships it seems that a guy is always forced to get into whatever his girl gets into. So, if you as a female are willing to do things he likes, or learn and talk about things a guy likes, it will impress him. If your guy is a car fanatic, learn a little about his favorite type of car. From headers to cylinders, he will be impressed when you can tell him the cc’s of the engine that goes into his favorite car. If you need help finding out this information, ask his friends for help. When he finds out you are asking about the things he likes so you can impress him, he will pay more attention to the detail you put into it.

Lastly, impressing a guy does not mean you have to have sex with him. It simply means that you have to be on his level, and willing to engage in the interests he has. If this means he loves karaoke, you don’t have to sing but you do have to be supportive. If your guy likes drawing, find out where to buy the best paper and pens from and let him know. Ask him what he likes to use and why, then buy him some supplies. Little things mean the most, and it does not have to cost you an arm and a leg to get your point across.

Privacy

(The following is a re-print from the blog My Life As A Serial Dater.)

It has been brought to my attention by more than one man (3 to be exact), that my sharing of "everything" is "too much."  I do note that men have told me this, because I have yet to hear this from a woman.  I have been told by an ex, a current and a friend that I have lost their respect or any ability to be taken seriously as anything more than casual sex or casual dating.  I have accepted what they say and tried not to pay it too much mind.  Every once in a while, in the depths of night, I worry that I might be alone forever.  That in writing this blog and making my sexual experiences known to all, I might be sealing my fate to never deserve the love and respect of that special someone.  It should also be noted that sometimes late at night I worry that the soda I drank earlier in the day will give me cancer.  Late at night, I am quite positive that I am going to fail all of my finals that are months away and I am sure I will never get a job.  This is the time when my mind plays tricks on me.

In the light of day, I remember that the reason I am not in a relationship is because I am not looking for one.  And that even though people tell me that I am fighting the instinct to settle down or that I am fooling myself, I know what I want.  Irrational thoughts have a time and place, so I save mine for the dark of night.  These are private moments.  Privacy.  This is what these men have told me I should be clinging to.  I should be retaining some scrap of privacy and maintaining some dignity.  So, I decided to take some time and put real thought into this argument.  Am I losing something by giving so much of my privacy away?

The conclusion I have come to is; I don't know that privacy really exists.  Think about what would happen if you died today.  Just suddenly.  No warning.  Bam ... Right now ... Dead.  Someone would go through your things.  Maybe your mother or your husband.  Someone would have to throw out your half used bottle of lube.  Someone would sort through your papers, go through your computer files, delete your naked pictures, erase your history, read your journal.  This might happen out of necessity to clean up or it might happen in an effort to get to know you better or to hold on to you once you are gone.

Letters Jefferson and Madison shared are actually referred to as "The Private Letters," yet, they are published and used in every lecture regarding the creation of the Bill of Rights.  They were only private in intent.  They were meant to be private, but eventually, it all comes out in the wash.  People read text messages and emails to find their spouse is cheating.  Kids stumble upon their mother's vibrators.  Parents search their kid's rooms for drugs and condoms.  Journalists and campaign workers work to uncover the 'dirt' on the opposition.

Young women have sex, believing that it is a private moment, only to have sex tapes revealed, pictures passed around school, stories told behind their backs and a whole slew of violations on their trust.  When their secret moments are revealed, they are called sluts and hoes.  They are laughed at and belittled.  And for what, for enjoying sex, for trying something new or even making a mistake?  Well, my sexuality isn't a mistake and it doesn't have to be that private.  I will wear a scarlet letter for some, but for others, this blog is just good clean fun.  I'm not the butt of anyone's joke.  I'm not disrespected and I'm not here to disrespect anyone.  

People have different reasons for keeping things 'private' and people have other reasons for digging that privacy up.  Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it's accidental, but it can always happen.  I have spent my entire life hiding things and deciding that it wasn't worth it.  We all do it.  I hid smoking pot from my parents when I was a teenager for a bit, but eventually I just let it be known.  It was easier than hiding.  I knew they didn't approve, but hiding it didn't make it any less true.  I hid cigarettes from my sister for a bit, but then I just smoked in front of her and eventually I quit that altogether.  I have never cheated on anyone, because I can't fucking hold water.  I spill everything I do.  It's just me.  My sexuality and my love for sex were just the last thing to go.

I could have waited to be found out.  I could have written it in my journal or kept it in my head.  I could have acted like I don't love sex, but then I would either have to hide it or ignore that part of myself.  I didn't have to come out like this, granted, but why not.  My mama knows I am sexually liberated and she doesn't judge.  She doesn't read the blogs that are sexually explicit, because she doesn't want to know the details.  But she doesn't mind that this is a reality that exists, it just makes her a little sick to think about.  She doesn't judge it, it just grosses her out.  Fair enough.  So, if it makes you sick to hear the details, get smart like my mama and stop reading.  Otherwise, just enjoy it.  It's not a violation of my privacy.  If I want something to be totally private, I will keep it to myself.  But, for the most part, I want to share and I want to be open.  This is a learning experience for me and it's mine to share with the world if I choose.  My body is MY temple and my 'private' parts are mine to do with as I choose.  And, until Blogger says otherwise, I can share all I want. :)

The Who and the Why in Cheating

(The following is a re-print from an article on AskApril.com.)

Infidelity happens for a multitude of reasons, some quite complex. Regardless of the reason, it can be extremely hurtful to the people who are cheated on, and it can leave those people bitter for the rest of their lives. In addition to destroying families, cheating can shatter illusions of what love is, destroy one's ability to trust, and cause people to question how people should treat one another.

Who Cheats and Why?

The Cheater In Need is someone whose needs, wants, and desires (physical or emotional) are not being met within the relationship.  Often this person does not know how to communicate their needs, or he or she feels uncomfortable asking for what they need. The cheater in need's partner may, equally, not be able to understand what the cheater is asking for, or they may be unable (or unwilling) to meet those needs. This type of relationship vividly demonstrates the need for honest and open communication between partners as these cheaters cheat because they do not know how to get their needs met in a more productive way.

The Passive Aggressive Cheater wants to be caught and left by the non-cheating partner. Rather than facing the partner and saying that they want to break up, he (or she) cheats and hopes to be discovered so that they can get out of the relationship. Yes, it's a passive aggressive way to break up.

The Narcissistic Cheater is someone who wants to have the best of both worlds ...or three worlds, or four, whatever the case may be. He (or she) doesn't have any regard for anyone else's feelings or needs. The narcissist only cares about themselves, period.  It is important to realize that someone with a narcissistic personality is unlikely to ever change. These people seek out partners to satisfy their needs -- their needs, and theirs alone.

The Adrenaline Junkie Cheater is addicted to excitement, sex, and risk. These people often get bored in a healthy relationship and crave the feeling of almost being caught and the adrenaline rush that comes with that fear.

The Self Destructive Cheater suffers deep seeded psychological problems and they don't feel that they deserve love, so when things are going well, and they start feeling loved, they will do whatever they need to do to end it. Often that dysfunction takes the form of cheating.

The Symptomatic Cheater is someone whose cheating behavior is just the tip of the iceberg -- a secondary symptom of some other problem. For instance, alcoholics or drug addicts may cheat on their lovers or their spouses as a symptom or a part of their disease. Cheating may not be the main problem -- rather a symptom of something else that's wrong.

Cheating Exposed: How You Find Out Your Partner is Cheating is Important 

• If the partner confesses his or her infidelity to you, it may be a cry for help. He or she may want you to help him either fix your relationship or end it.
• If you find out that your partner is cheating by discovering without his or her input, you’ve got a tougher problem because in addition to the extra curricular activities, there is lying going on.
• If your spouse is a serial cheater, which means they have been cheating with more than one person, then it's going to be much harder for them to change their behavior than if it was truly a one time thing.

Is A "More Than Just Friendly" Email Cheating? How About Cyber-Sex and Internet Porn?

It may sound funny, but cheating has taken on a whole new set of definitions today and it means different things to different people. Some people think that cheating involves sexual intercourse only. Others think that cheating is any sexual activity, including oral sex, kissing, fondling, and any sex act that results in orgasm. But there are other ways that cheating can be perceived.

• Flirting. Flirting can be threatening to a woman who sees her boyfriend doing it with another woman. Many men get very jealous if they see their girlfriends or wives flirting with another man. On the other hand, some people think nothing of their partner flirting with someone else -- the important thing to them is who they go home with.
• Bachelor party incidents. Having sex with a hooker or a call girl at a bachelor party may count as cheating to one person, but not to another, who figures it’s a one time thing with someone he doesn’t know.
• Virtual relationships. If a partner has a chat room or an e-mail relationship with someone of the opposite sex that he’s never met in person, the other partner may or may not consider it cheating, even though they’ve never met in person.

Are All Cheaters Created Equally? Should Stay with Someone Who Cheats?

If you find out your partner is cheating in your relationship that involves your marriage and children, you have more at risk than just your relationship. You have a family at risk. If you can solve the problems and stay together, then you should.

Serial Cheaters


If your spouse is a serial cheater, then you have a difficult problem that requires professional help to either keep the marriage intact, or to unravel it. While you are doing this, try to keep the children uninvolved in the drama. If they see you crying or red-eyed, you can tell them that - daddy and I (or mommy and I) are having some grown-up problems, and we're working them out, but sometimes it makes us feel sad. And something that makes me feel better is when I go to yoga (or whatever it is that does make you feel better).
This allows the children the dignity of your not lying to them about a problem, and also gives them the safety of knowing that you are doing something to get help -- even if it's as simple as going to yoga or having lunch with your best friend.

These are very hard wounds to heal, but they can be healed if you choose to attempt this. It is important to discover the extent of the cheating, when it began, and most importantly, why.

If a cheating partner is not something you can ever accept, then your choice to end the relationship is clear.

When Cheating Actually Helps

In some cases, cheating can actually save a marriage that is going through rough patches. If no one’s feelings are hurt, which usually means that someone doesn’t find out, or if the cheating is going on with both spouses, but there is a strong commitment to the family unit, the cheating can take care of sexual and intimacy needs of the individuals, while the business of "running" the family is going on as usual. In many European histories, this was common and accepted, and affairs were a way of keeping marriages that had political ramifications intact.

Top 10 Dating Tips

(The following is a re-print of an article on TopDatingTips.com.)

Whether you are new to the dating scene, are reentering the dating scene, or are a serial dater, you can use dating tips and advice. No one is a dating expert – even the most beautiful and wealthy people all struggle with matters of the heart. Everyone can learn something about how to date more, how to attract the types of people we want to attract, and how to make sure initial chemistry blooms into an enduring relationship.

The truth is, there are no magic formulas, no fail-proof tricks, no cunning ways of trapping Mr. or Miss Right. There are however some essential facts that you should always bear in mind along the way. Dating tips are just that -- tips, not one-size-fits-all guarantees. Different tacks will work for different people. It depends on the situation, who we are, where we are in our lives, etc. However, there are some threads of advice that are fairly universal and can benefit anyone who practices them:

Top 10 Dating Tips

1. Get prepared for dating. If you really want to succeed in the dating game, be ready to commit to dating. Half-heartedness won't work. In fact, it won’t even get you half-way. If you really want to date, put some effort into it. Do some research and think about what you want out of dating. Prepare yourself for the inevitable rejection we all face at some point in dating and commit not to give up.
2. Get your act together. Begin a regime of looking your best. Join a gym, read health magazines, get fit and start a diet. Get your hair cut or styled and begin a new regime of good grooming or beauty treatment. Though it will not find you a date in itself, you will feel a million times more confident about yourself, and others can sense that.
3. Go shopping and treat yourself to new clothes and even a whole new look. Get your image right, one that you can manage and live with, but one that flatters you. Don't try to be someone you’re not, but amplify and accentuate your positives. Throw out those tired jeans, old sweaters or cardigans and spruce yourself up. Your date will appreciate that you demonstrated some effort.
4. Think about what you want to gain from dating and what timeframes you expect. Do you see yourself married within 2 years? If you do, then approach dating accordingly. If you are more laid back and don't take dating too seriously then ask yourself some honest questions about why you are dating and what you hope to achieve. If it is purely sex then ask yourself if you are about to be honest with those you hope to date.
5. Surround yourself with people who will support your dating aims. By following the first four tips you will feel better and be more focused. Don’t sabotage this by sitting around with friends who are negative about love and relationships (often the married ones). Start attending social functions frequented by singles. Sitting alongside couples at dinner parties in suburbia is not necessarily where you need to be right now.
6. Choose those you have a good chance of dating. Be realistic. In other words, your dating is based on the whole package you present as well as just your personality. If you are looking for a glamour girl or boy and want to date someone trendy and gorgeous, great! Just know that others will expect you to be the same.
7. Join clubs, societies, sports events, drama groups -- anything that might help you meet like-minded potential partners. You will not meet people by staying indoors and playing video games – many have tried and failed at this approach.
8. Take time off from dating occasionally if it’s not going well or causing dating fatigue. Recharging your batteries and keeping confidence and optimism levels high is an absolute must. We all hit rough patches, but don’t let your search for love become a death march. Date in phases if necessary.
9. Enjoy dating for what it is, dating. It is meeting people and socializing and spending time in the company of stimulating individuals who may or may not play a bigger part in your life down the road. The fact is, most people have something interesting to offer. While you may not be out on the dating scene looking for new friends, you may well find one or two fabulous people along the way.
10. Never make yourself too available. People like mystery and enigma and the thrill of the chase when dating. As part of keeping up the mystery, do not sleep with your dates early on. The longer a person is made to chase and fall for you within reason, the more likely that love may blossom. (And yes, this goes for both men AND women!) If the chemistry peaks too early, your emotions may never have time to catch up and the relationship will eventually wither away.