Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Mixed Messages

(The following is a reprint of a post on the blog, My Life As A Serial Dater.)

So, as you all know, The Repeat Offender will repeat no longer.  He is out of the picture.  He didn't have the same level of interest in me that I had in him.  Even though I don't want a relationship, I do still have certain expectations of the men I am seeing/dating/sleeping with/hanging out with.  Maybe its a double standard of sorts.

Sometimes I feel like an asshole, because I can't offer anything traditional to men, yet I have these unconventional wants.  I want them to be attentive and kind, without the security that a relationship can offer.  If they say they are going to visit, I want them to follow through.  If they say they want to see me again, I want them to do more than just text me for the next three weeks.  It's not really asking that much.  I don't want to be used for sex.  I want to do other things than just sleep together.  I don't have sex with men that I don't like.  So, I want to spend time with the men I am sleeping with.  If they choose to hang out with me, I don't want them to text ahead of time and ask "are we going to have sex?"  I need them to take their chances and I need them to hang out with me because they want to.  Not because they want to have sex and go home.  I have no place for empty sex.

And yet, I want sex with multiple partners.  I am not ready to settle down with just one man or only have one partner.  But, I catch feelings and I get salty.  On one hand I am like the perks of a girlfriend without having to be monogamous. On the other hand, I require attention without the security of a relationship.  There are ups and downs to all things and I offer a mixed bag of goodies and downfalls.  You would think that the freedom to see whomever you choose and still be able to spend time with me would be a good thing.  I am, frequently, the only woman the men I'm seeing are totally honest with.  They can tell me that they are seeing other people.  I don't want the details, but I do appreciate knowing the truth.  I don't expect anyone to stop seeing other people just because we have started talking.

That having been said, I am amazed at the number of men that expect that from me.  The Repeat Offender was one of them.  After we had established that I had more interest in him than he in me, we somehow found ourselves talking about sexual partners.  He, knowing that I am as honest as possible with men, asked how many men I had been with since the first time he and I had had sex.  I took a moment and he asked me if I was thinking of a safe answer.  I replied simply, "No, I'm counting."

He was not too happy with my answer.  Seems that even though he wasn't really interested in me and definitely didn't want a relationship with me, I was supposed to want one from him.  And even though he would go for days without responding to me, I should have been pining away for him, sitting by the phone, patiently.  Todd felt the same way.  He felt that even though he wasn't expressing any feelings for me, I should have been overflowing with feelings for him.  So, The Repeat Offender didn't like my answer.  His ego took over and he wanted to know who was the best.  The truth was, Marlon was the best.  Hands down.  And The Powerful One would have been second, but there were no feelings involved there.  So, I answered his question truthfully and just as he had shared news that didn't feel too great to me, I shared news that wasn't great for him.

On a side note, The Train Guy ... remember him? ... He texted me today asking if I was still his, or if I was stepping out on him.  What the hell?  After I put it on him on the train from Chicago to Houston, he came to visit me in Houston and we had some of the most amazing sex I have ever had.  We traveled across the country together by chance.  It was so romantic, then I found out he had a girlfriend and thus started the blog and the summer/fall of amazing sex.  I have spent the last 15 years choking on double standards and now, in response, I have created my own.

The question is, with all of these expectations, limitations, mixed messages and double standards, when does anyone find the room or time to just be happy?

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