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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

"Could You Leave Your Bra On? Thanks."

Men are visual creatures. This is why we can never say of a woman, “What struck me first was her personality.” We understand that women have issues with body image but disappointment can’t be helped when-- after the date, when it’s time to get naked and bone-- what we see is not what we get. False advertising aside, here are several ways that men cope with your “glorious imperfections,” some which require notice:

Problem: Earlier, your boobs were located firmly within a bra in the center of your chest; now that the bra’s off, I need GPS to locate them.
Solution: You’re going to keep your bra on during sex (for world peace).

Problem: Your butt and thighs have more “shopping cart dents” than a Walmart security vehicle.
Solution: Combine a little oil and water in a bottle and spray it all over these parts, instantly giving you the regal sheen of a freshly basted porn star or a stripper breaking a sweat-- two kinds of women guaranteed to get a man from six o’clock to twelve.

Problem: Thanks to those nifty Spanx, we didn’t pick up on your “front butt” until the point of no return.
Solution: Face down, ass up.

Problem: Your breath smells like you’ve been drinking doo-doo shakes.
Solution: Face down, ass up.

Problem: Outside of those shoes your feet look like you’ve been doing roundhouse kicks against a brick wall.
Solution: Socks (anklets, please).

(Our) Problem: We just got too drunk and came home with a 1:50 girl.
(Our) Solution: We’ll turn off the lights and black out the windows. You’re welcome.

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