Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Now If Only They Made Spanx For Sex ...

But when the night falls ...
I'm never sure which way to fall on this myself.  Fact is, a lot of women out there are holding something back -- like a gut.  Peasant tops aside, it's making things weird for both of us.  I can't really put my arm around your waist or even give you the realest hug of all time.

There's something between us.

I'm not sure how much a membership at LA Fitness runs these days (I work out at a hole-in-the-wall that features an MMA room, sometime-y air conditioning and old men in the locker room whose balls hang like the KKK), but when juxtaposed with Spanx or some other "cloaking device" -- is the ghost of Houdini in there too? -- I find the former to be much more cost effective.

I (the author) will probably never be in a situation where I'll have to see most of you naked (and put my naked self on top of you) so it's not for me that I say this: Unless you're "big boned" -- yeah, the thick'ums get a pass ... if they pass -- you need to push a weight rack (and not those Spanx) to the limit.

I know, I'm horrible!  DAMN ME!!!

But I'm not wrong, and it's for you (women) that I offer my neck.  It shouldn't be left up to us men to figure out what parts of your body you're proud of and what parts you wished belonged to your archenemy -- stay away from those!!!  You might've been pre-ordained an A-cup from conception -- no complaints from the kid, I'm an ass man -- but whether you look like a sack of wet laundry or the model they used to make those Spanx is totally up to you.

I've preached this sermon before but ... *sigh*

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