A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 19

Certain facts (in no discernible order):

I co-own and co-manage a small media production company.

I take really long showers.

I'm horrible with names but I (almost) never forget a face.

I hate talking on the phone and do it as little as humanly possible.

I'm not a boob man... but I like to stare at boobs.

I like my sistas dark-skinned.  I like my white girls with dark features (unless she's a redhead).

I like to do activities most people consider social -- going to the movies, for example -- all by myself.

I know how to swim but have a deathly fear of drowning.

My first meal of the day is always oatmeal.

I have the same birthday as Saddam Hussein (April 28).

I have no tattoos.

I plan to write a book from this blog starting Valentine's Day 2011.

Cheese doodles are my weakness.

I hate Tyler Perry more than the Nazis.

Milk doesn't agree with me.

I do an impression of Frederick Douglass that is, I think, a bit more authentic.

My mother reads this blog.

So do my "sisters," a collection of young women who, while acknowledging that I'm an asshole, provide me with as much love and encouragement as an only male child can stand.

I get a pedicure at least once a month.

I've kept the ticket stub for every movie I've seen since I was fifteen.

A wig by itself is creepy to me.

I get lost very easily.

There are things I love more than women -- but not many.

I don't have kids or want them, but there is a little boy who is like a son to me.

I know how men really think.