Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Friday, May 7, 2010


(This post was written for a reader's special request.  See!  If you ask me to address it, the kid will do just that.  Enjoy.)

Fuck what you've heard.  Men go down on women a lot-- and mostly without solicitation.

To be sure, it's a labor of "love."  It can get funkier down there than a Bootsy Collins headliner tour.  There's that acidic taste (always makes me think of 9th grade chemistry when I discovered what a "pH balance" is) and five-day stubble that would make us sneeze if we weren't so thoroughly committed.

Do what you want with your legs but do not, in a moment of ecstasy, strangle us with them like a reticulated python.  And don't pop your pelvis up into our faces either; it's easier to break a nose than you think.

Your bed sheet will double as a napkin.

There will be a lot of tongue flicking, as most men assume that the Serpentor method of cunnilingus is most effective.  They'll also head straight for your Easy button, so don't be surprised.

If you're the spitting cobra type (yeah, we're just gonna keep the snake references going), please give forewarning.  Men like to be inside vagina but not mug-to-mug with it; it's already stressful without the exploding dye pack effect.  And cooch, on its own, is quite unattractive-- especially if it resembles a show curtain.

Look, if the guy's into you he'll want to put his face in the place, but you've got to coach him.  Otherwise he'll be like Moses in the wilderness and you'll never reach the Promised Land.  Oral sex is different than vaginal sex-- a man's pride isn't so tightly wrapped around it-- so you don't have to worry so much about bruising his ego by giving him a hint or two.  He'll thank you later... when you thank him later.


  1. Thanks. Even if it's controversial or off the mark, the comedy is a constant.

  2. "Your bed sheet will double as a napkin." -- I love you.

    LMAO -- Good stuff.

    However, (You know I have to argue with you.)
    If all is well with a woman, her vagina should not be funky. Vaginas don't inherently stink. They stink if they are overwashed, not washed at all or if there is something wrong down there. Otherwise, it should just smell like (*) ... pu$$y.