Do you believe there's such a thing as a soulmate?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers

Just hope it's you that comes in first.
Here's the deal: If you don't ask a dude to use a Jimmy there's a pretty good chance he won't.  It's not that men are sexually irresponsible (per se).  It's not even about the whole "I can't feel anything" argument (although that's not completely without merit).

If it's going down for the first (and maybe last) time, a man will want to cross the velvet rope as soon as possible.  See, a guy will throw it in you even if you cough way too much (sketchy?), fart like a Viking or ask him "Do you love me?"  A woman, on the other hand, isn't as committed to a burst of frisky and it's our concern that if the temperature in the room changes even slightly we may not get laid.  So it's imperative that we "clock in" faster than Usain Bolt.

If a condom gets in the way of this-- and you don't say anything-- you might end up ingesting raw meat, which could make you sick.

You don't have to be a bitch about it.  ("STOP!!!  Condom-- now!  No?!?  Go fuck yourself!  LITERALLY!!!")  Just be as smooth with it as you were when you said, "I need a second opinion on where I should move my bed.  Got time to take a look?"  Mention that you have rubbers in the drawer of your nightstand if he doesn't have any on him (he just might); don't worry about looking like a slut, it's too late for that.

Voila!  Now all you have to do is tell him to chill out on the jackrabbit stroke.


  1. I love the raw meat analogy...classic. You've never spoke more real words than jackrabbit stroke. The truth is spoken on this blog.

  2. LOL I'm just a wolf peeling the sheep's clothing off other wolves.