Saturday, May 8, 2010
"I Have to Get Up Early," and Other Post-Coital Lies
Wow! That was great... but...
It's an uncouth man indeed who gets right up and leaves (unless he's been told to) or pushes a woman out his door after sex. Real men come up with semi-lame yet totally plausible excuses; the sharpest of us can do it au pied levé.
"I have to get up really early in the morning." Don't we always?
"There's this volunteer thing I have to do tomorrow." Mentally challenged kids, so you can't challenge it; no, you can't participate.
"Damn, I forgot to let the dog out." We don't have a dog.
"My mom's supposed to be visiting this morning, and she's always early." She's never on time!
"Just got a text. _______'s in jail and I gotta go help bail him out." This actually happened a month ago.
"I have this back condition and I need the whole bed to-- what? No, a massage wouldn't help any. Thanks, though! See ya." When we turn down a massage (especially a frontal), you know we're serious.
"I don't want your roommate to see me. I'm a very private man." On the contrary, we love to advertise in front of her. She could be our next "contestant."
"I think I'm allergic to your perfume. I wanted to say something before but.... Yeah, I know, right? I gotta wash these sheets and pillowcases after you leave." This might be true.
"I snore like a motherfucker." [Followed by raucous snoring if she doesn't take the cheese.]
"I have to sleep in my own bed. What? Sorry, it's just twin-sized." We'll appear lame but so what? That's a worry for guys who haven't scored yet.
"What? No, I can't stay. I have to publish the next post ASAP or the New Shoes fans will kill me!" How did this one get in here? LOL