Saturday, May 22, 2010
A Man's Breakup Bonanza
Men don't let their friends wallow in the depths of a breakup. Truth be told, we never liked that bitch anyway. So we're going to help him as he transitions back into single manhood and waits for his testicles to descend (they've been in his throat for some time).
We have to get him drunk. He may have may played it in front of you like he didn't give a shit but on the inside he's a janitor's nightmare-- a complete mess. Alcohol will dull the pain, copious amounts of it. His cell phone will be taken away because drunk dialing or texting is counterproductive (and shameful).
We won't spend a whole lot of time disparaging you to him. It's not about making you seem small; it's about making him see the truth about his new situation: he's single, completely unencumbered! And what do single, completely unencumbered men do after a breakup?
They fuck everything moving.
That's right. As his friends we're now on a mission to replace the smell of your old shoes with as many new and improved pairs of shoes as we can find. We're spreading the gospel of a broken man to all corners (this is where we take a giant shit on you), telling girls at the mall and the club, strippers at the gentlemen's club and drunken coeds how our friend's heart was ripped out by a hateful, shrewish bitch and chucked in the garbage like a Derek Fisher free throw.
You women might do a bit of introspection following the end of an affair, taking stock of the good and the bad and wondering if you go looking for love again or take some "me time." You might even get together with your girls to be re-affirmed, over three dollar margaritas, as an independent woman who can and will survive without a man. Men, on the other hand, are simply out to forget they ever loved anything enough that it could hurt them in the first place. Casual breakup sex returns a man to his natural state, one his friends shared in and enjoyed before he took a long detour into your universe.