It's a Penis, Not a Joystick

"She did her best to bring Pac-Man to a worthy climax."

What the French, toast?!?

You're handling my junk like you're trying to get the high score (enter intials here: __ __ __ ).  As much as women complain about men fumbling with their bodies-- like a toddler trying to command a toy-- you'd think women would be more delicate.

But no.  You know those old cigarette machines where you put your money in and then jerk the knob?  That's what it feels like.  And with the dry hand, no less!  I don't care what you use-- spit on that shit!-- but please grease the gears.

A DRY HANDJOB IS THE ANTICHRIST.

I know, it looks like it can take a little horseplay, but it's extremely sensitive (and veiny).  Why do you think we spend half the day trying to situate it in our pants so as not be in Hell?  So be gentle, Ben.  I mean, do jerk it vigorously.  (Tip: A man's penis will become "accustomed" to the way he tugs it-- that is, fast and furious-- so you should be just as committed.)  Just work it toward us rather than pulling it toward you like a lever.

And make sure you hold it somewhat askew at the end so we don't get Jackson Pollock'd by our own Jamba Juice.  Thanks again!