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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 9

I used to say that a man didn't watch porn for any real length of time unless his pants were down around his ankles (if he'd bothered to have any on in the first place), but I'm forced to amend this after remembering the porn watching "parties" from my college days.

"Say, I got this new DVD!" was usually the kick-door.  As my friends and I are African American, you know the title had to have the word "Azz" in it somewhere-- "All That Azz, Vol. ____" or some nonsense.  "Yo, put that shit in," someone'd say, not feeling in the least bit homo about watching it with a bunch of dudes, all of whom you knew in the back of your mind would have at least half a stiffy by the end of Scene One.

At first, watching a chick get drilled by a dude in Timbs and a wifebeater while folded up like an origami swan is pure arousal.  A man might preface with "no homo" before explaining that he lives vicariously through the male porn star, imagines himself as the lucky pumper... which is why Wesley Pipes is such a disappointment.

But after thirty minutes of incessant thrusting, bouncing and fake-ass moaning the porno becomes something entirely different: pure comedy!  That's why I love porn (besides the other reason).  It's a hot-ass mess from the improvised sets (somebody's house) to the "actors" (their hammy performances rivaling William Shatner on a good day) to the whimsical acrobatics that deserve a rewind/replay (Nigga Flip, anyone?)

I can appreciate porn as both a good time in lieu of a costly date and as a sexual laugh-in.  Amateur porn is better, as it consists of real (read: out of shape) people attempting to do the stuff they see in pro-porn, only with horrible lighting and even shittier music.  I mean, why not get a forearm and an ab workout?!  So, ladies, when your man asks if you'd like to watch porn with him, go for it-- and remember to laugh extra hard even if he doesn't.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, I'm just realizing where you got that move that you tried last week.  Except this dude didn't slip out trying to execute it. [LOL]"

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