A Portrait of the Asshole as a Young Man 2

What a 48 year old bachelor looks like.

I am single.  I choose to be single.  And I want to remain single for as long as I can.  I don't mean until I'm in my thirties with a stable career and a receding hairline, or until love comes and knocks me down.  I mean that the only way I'll get married, if at all, is if the administrators at the nursing home tell me I have to "choose one and go sit down somewhere."

Some women hear my opinions and observations and say, "Geez, no wonder you're single!  What women would want you when you think like that?"  Answer: a lot of them.  If I wanted a girlfriend I would go get a girlfriend.  Women are plentiful, almost always receptive to relationships, and long-suffering in their capacity to put up with utter bullshit.  If I just wanted to check *in a relationship* on my Facebook profile all I'd have to do is grab some chick and say, "I've never felt this way about anybody;" she may not be an eight, nine or ten, but quality wasn't part of the question, was it?

Older people tell me I'll wear down eventually, that this is something that just happens.  That's as depressing as the thought of lifelong matrimony!  Who's to say that I can't be the next (black) George Clooney as I hit the half-century mark?  Who's to say that, provided I take care of myself, I can't go on enjoying women of all ages, races, nationalities, and types of crazy?

I ended my last official relationship in 2004.  Since then I've had a few deep "entanglements" which never panned out, mostly because I wasn't trying.  I was raised an only child and I've preferred my own company to that of others for almost 27 years now (although most people know me as an extrovert).  I can go to the movies alone, eat all my meals alone, go out to night spots alone-- and sleep alone.  I hear many women say they're fine being single, but behind their voices a true loner like myself can detect the quiet desperation of a person who wakes up in cold sweats at the thought of growing old as a party of one.

"I am alone... but I'm not lonely," said Robert DeNiro in the movie Heat.  And why get married anyway?  For a man it's nuts.  I can always get myself a live-in girlfriend, play that out for several years, then offer her the door when she issues a BuyNow! ultimatum-- keeping my money, my place, and my dignity.  And there are so many women in the world!  I feel it's my job to be curious, and you can't do that with shackles on.  Not everyone, male or female, is built for a single life marathon, but it's what I desire.  So if you meet me and start to like me just know that I'm already engaged... to me.

[Postscript: I've always said that on a long enough timeline I'd consider trying marriage out once or twice, but I'd have to be Larry King rich first.]

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